You never know whom to trust when it comes to keeping a secret.
Some people are certainly better at it than others, but sometimes even the most trustworthy people can let a secret slip, completely inadvertently.
Of course, there are people whom you know you simply can't trust with confidential information of any kind.
More often than not, these same people don't react too kindly to learn they've been kept out of the loop.
Redditor M426fdn had some celebratory news to share with their nearest and dearest.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s grandmother shared their news before they had a chance to.
Resulting in the OP seriously reevaluating her relationship with her grandmother.
After being accused of being too hard on her grandmother, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for now keeping secrets from my grandma because she ruined the gender reveal?"
The OP explained why they didn't feel she didn't feel like she could trust her grandmother with a secret any longer:
"My husband and I are almost thirty and about to have our first baby in December."
"This is after multiple miscarriages and adoptions falling through."
"I have been telling my close family all the details from the beginning in case I lose this baby as well."
"I wanted to wait to announce to the world, but my grandmother kept pestering me about just letting her tell everyone since she's 'so excited'."
"It made her visibly distraught when I told her I wanted to announce to the world on my own terms."
"When I finally announced to our church, she was upset I hadn't allowed her to do it earlier because I'm 'already getting big enough to notice'."
"Now, we found out the gender last week, and I told her this morning I wanted to wait to announce to the world."
"I didn't want a gender reveal party, but I still wanted to be able to tell everyone on my own terms."
"She didn't care for my answer and told everyone in our church (we have a VERY small town/community) the gender this morning when I wasn't around."
"Church members just began walking to me saying congratulations on baby's gender!"
"My sister saw I was obviously distraught and told my grandma to stop telling people which upset her more."
"Now I feel I can no longer share information about my baby without her going behind my back and telling everyone every little detail."
"My father says I am overreacting because 'this baby is all she has'."
"She already has three other great grandchildren she was nothing to do with."
"I just want information released when I'm comfortable to."
"AITA for not wanting her involved in my progress anymore?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not telling her grandmother any more secrets.
Everyone agreed that the OP's grandmother was being selfish, particularly after everything the OP and her husband had gone through:
"You're NTA."
"'My father says I am overreacting because "this baby is all she has".'"
"Being old is no excuse for stealing someone else's big moments."
"Especially ones that are so sensitive."- Dittoheadforever
"'She already has three other great grandchildren she was nothing to do with' tells you everything you need to know."
"She's the common denominator."
"She's the problem."
"You're NTA."
"Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed."
"Your baby wouldn't be the 'only thing she has' if she still had a relationship with her other grandchildren."- nickybateleur
"'This baby is all she has'."
"What about you & your husband that have been trying for years, and this is now all you have?"-xpl0sad3
"NTA."
"Ask your grandmother if she wants to make this her 4th great grandbaby that she has nothing to do with, because it can easily be arranged."- Dharling97
"NTA."
"'She already has three other great grandchildren she was nothing to do with'."
"She does not give a crap about you or your child."
"All she cares about is being the center of attention."- Adorable_Click9074
"'This baby is all she has'."
"It's not HERS."
"She's not doing any of the work."
"She doesn't get a say."
"Tell her and dad to kick rocks."
"NTA."- Paul-Kersey
"NTA."
"Grandma gets to know info when everyone else does, and your dad is probably going to get put on that list as well."- midcen-mod1018
"NTA."
"I wonder why she isn't on the other grandchildren's lives."- mathhews95
"NTA."
"She can't be trusted to keep a secret."
"It doesn't matter if she's excited or not - it's your baby and not hers."
"Also with a history of losses, that's a delicate subject and she needs to keep her mouth shut."
"Sorry Dad but you're wrong."
"What your mom or MIL is doing is incredibly disrespectful."
"I bet she's his mother."- thechaoticstorm
"She's had her babies--now it's your turn."
"Time to put grandma on a serious info diet."
"When baby comes, don't even tell anybody (family, church friends or anybody else) you're in the hospital."
"Be admitted under a nondisclosure, and don't tell anybody you're home until you're good and ready."
"NTA."- Weird-Roll6265
"NTA."
"But I hope you will never again tell her ANYTHING before you are ready for the whole world to know it."
"Congratulations on the baby!"- DoodleLover20
"You're NTA, but . . ."
"Given what you've mentioned here - that your grandmother was 'so excited' to know the gender of your child and that she repeated became 'visibly distraught' when you told her that you would reveal the information in your own good time - it's really hard to believe that you didn't anticipate that she'd do what she did."
"You're not overreacting because this was your news to share, and she took that from you, despite you asking her not to do so."
"Sorry, but how excited she might be is irrelevant here; this was your opportunity for attention and she deliberately swiped it."
"And it seems like if you were to share information with your father, he'd tell her, and you'd be back here in a couple of months with a similar complaint."
"So, limit what you share and then share when you're ready."- DeskRider
"NTA."
"Your only choice, really."
"If she doesn't like it, she can blame herself."- ScarletNotThatOne
"NTA."
"Sadly I imagine she cares more about the little power control of the info than the actual baby it represents."
"Next will be pestering you for the name."
"Protect your peace and avoid her as much as possible."
"Congratulations and best of health to you and your precious baby!"- Easy-Tip-7860
"NTA."
"But don't be naive and learn the lesson already!"
"Stop telling her things you want to announce yourself."- magiemaddi
"NTA."
"It's nice your grandma is so excited for you, but it's YOUR baby and she should respect what you do and don't want to share and when you share it."
"It's really inappropriate for her to share your personal news as if it's her own, and irrational for her to be mad at you."- Salt_Strike5996
"NTA."
"Grandma's on an information diet unless/until she can learn to keep her mouth shut about other people's personal business."
"It wasn't her place to tell anybody anything and she's clearly shown she can't be trusted."-Professional-Scar628
"NTA."
"Tell her you aren't going to tell her anything again because of her need to be the center of attention and taking your choices away from you."
"I would also go so far as to not tell others anything in case it gets back to her."
"Tell everyone that because of grandma, everything is going on lockdown and they can thank her."
"Also, it's very telling that she doesn't talk to the great grandkids."
"It would be funny that if something comes up that she wants to know, tell her you only told those she's not talking to so as to make sure she doesn't get the scoop."
"Double whammy."- SparkleBait
"NTA."
"No one, no matter their relation to you or the baby, is entitled to information about your baby."
"Share what information you are comfortable with, in the timeframe you are comfortable."
"Congrats on the little one!"- ani-dani
"NTA."
"She's repeatedly disrespected your wishes."
"Do what you need to do for peace of mind."
"You're growing a whole human!"- OriginalRush3753
"NTA."
"I wouldn't tell grandma anything else unless I absolutely had to."- Telly94
"My moms friend had a LOT of miscarriages."
"We'll call her S."
"S could get pregnant but none of the babies lived long enough for her to give birth to actual healthy living babies."
"She always lost them early."
"S got pregnant again."
"She told everyone to just ignore that she was pregnant."
"This would just be another miscarriage in an already long list of miscarriages."
"She called my mom in the middle of the night in absolute hysterics when somehow the baby survived past the point where she miscarried all the others."
"She was prepared for another miscarriage."
"She wasn't prepared for the baby to survive when she'd lost so many others."
"She eventually did give birth to a healthy baby."
"If someone did that to S we would have blacklisted them for that."
"We'd be furious."
"I hope everything goes well for you and the baby."
"Absolutely NTA."- FrostyIcePrincess
If there's anyone who gets more excited about a baby's arrival than the parents, it's the grandparents and great-grandparents.
However, excitement is no excuse to spoil announcements and surprises.
Particularly coming from a couple who have gone through what the OP and her husband have, leading up to the arrival of their first child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp