Anyone who has known a man who is very close to his mother can attest to the difficulties of maintaining a relationship with him.
But a romantic relationship with a guy and his mom is a whole other obstacle, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor justthatgirly1 had been with her partner for three years and was engaged to him, despite issues she’d had with his mother over the years.
But when his mother’s comments continued to escalate, and he did nothing to defend her, the Original Poster (OP) realized she couldn’t live with this relationship long-term.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for breaking up with my fiancé because I couldn’t deal with his mom anymore and he refused to see the problem?”
The OP was still getting over the end of her long-term relationship.
“Three weeks ago, I ended my engagement. It wasn’t something I did lightly, and I still catch myself second-guessing it even though I know deep down it was the right call.”
“My ex and I had been together for three years. We lived together, got engaged last year, and were planning a small wedding for later this fall.”
“We had our differences like any couple, but there was one thing that had been bothering me for a long time: his mom.”
The OP never had a good relationship with her ex’s mother.
“She was always involved. At first, it felt like she was just being friendly, trying to get close. But it didn’t take long before it started to feel like something else entirely.”
“She’d show up to our apartment several times a week unannounced and always stayed longer than she needed to. What started as quick visits to ‘drop something off’ slowly became her just sitting around our place for hours, commenting on things.”
“And those comments were never outright cruel, just… calculated. Subtle little things that were clearly meant to get under my skin while sounding completely innocent on the surface.”
“She’d say things like, ‘You look tired lately,’ or, ‘You’re not much of a cook, are you?’ Or she’d make passive remarks about how clean the apartment used to be when it was just him living there. It was always something, every time.”
The OP tried to talk to her partner about it, but he refused to support her.
“At first, I tried to laugh it off. Then I brought it up to him. I told him that I was starting to feel uncomfortable, like she was trying to make me feel small in my own home.”
“He brushed it off and said I was overthinking things. That she didn’t mean it that way. That she was just trying to help.”
“The problem was that this kept happening. I started to dread seeing her, and it got to the point where I couldn’t relax in my own home.”
“I asked him gently if he could talk to her, just ask her to call before visiting or maybe scale back how often she came over.”
“He got defensive and said I was trying to come between him and his family.”
“After that, I stopped bringing it up. I just kept swallowing it and trying to keep the peace, telling myself maybe I was being too sensitive.”
“But it wore me down. It wasn’t just her visits, it was how he never once stood up for me or even acknowledged what I was feeling. I felt alone, like I was the only one trying to make things work.”
“The final straw was the day she came by again, unannounced, and made some comment about how he ‘must be starving’ since I hadn’t cooked that day. He laughed. I didn’t.”
The OP decided she was done putting up with the comments.
“That night, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I told him I loved him, but I didn’t feel loved in return, not in the way I needed. I didn’t feel like he had my back. I didn’t feel like he saw me.”
“I left two days later and moved in with my sister.”
“He’s since told people that I ‘threw away a good man because I couldn’t handle his mother.'”
“His family is convinced I was insecure and jealous.”
“My friends and family have supported me, but I can’t lie, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if I gave up too soon.”
“Maybe I should’ve just stuck it out and tried harder. Maybe I was too emotional.”
“But then again… maybe I just finally chose peace.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she deserved a partner who would support her.
“You told him how you felt, and he dismissed your feelings. You did the right thing.” – Stunning-Attitude366
“I’m sorry you went through this. He absolutely should have had your back and set boundaries. You made the right choice.” – SafeIncrease7953
“He proved that you could never rely on him to have your back, even after you had said something about it he didn’t change – you gave him a chance. Well done on choosing yourself.”
“Why on earth should you handle his mother, and who are you meant to be jealous of? His Mom? Ewww. If they think you were jealous of his Mom then they really need to look at why that might be, maybe he’s a bit toooo close to his Mom.” – FeedsBlackBats
“NTA. For future reference, when someone makes an underhanded comment, the response should be, ‘What do you mean by that?’ Don’t let people be comfortable with their foot on your neck.” – morbidnerd
“NTA. A good man wouldn’t need his wife to handle his mother.” – day-gardener
“I left my significant other over a year ago. It was absolutely the right decision, but I still questioned it for ages. It’s just hard to walk away from that level of intimacy with someone.”
“From your post, you didn’t leave because of his mother, you left because he never had your back, and didn’t listen to or acknowledge your concerns. That’s what you focus on; his deficiencies as a partner.”
“Don’t worry about what his friends and family think or say. Focus on yourself, your healing, your community.” – No-Sea1173
Others agreed and said that the ex and his mom would never see the OP as enough.
“OP, you were smart to leave now. It was only going to get much worse after marriage. He is looking for mommy or a trad wife to do what mommy did.”
“You did not throw away a good man over his mommy, he threw away the woman he said he loved and wanted to spend his life with, but did not and would not back you up when it mattered.”
“The right person is out there.” – RaptorOO7
“These dudes don’t want a partner, they want a caretaker. And mama ain’t giving up her throne.”
“It doesn’t change even when mother is no longer around. Then you get endless comparisons like, ‘Mum always had a hot meal ready for me when I got home,’ ‘Mum’s recipe for X is nicer,’ ‘Mum was much more organised about my laundry,’ or, ‘I never had to worry about a packed lunch when Mum was around.'”
“If you’re second fiddle to MIL in life, you’ll still be second fiddle to her memory after death.” – chubalubs
“You threw away a BOY not a man… a boy playing house. You need an adult partner and that’s not him.”
“He might grow up someday…but don’t count on it. This kind of thing can go on for decades. Getting out was good.”
“Personally, I would speak up for myself when he criticizes you that you threw away a good man because you couldn’t deal with his mother. O would like to see you get nasty. That would be entertaining but not healthy. Respond that you loved him and would have loved to marry him…IF he grew up.” – Impossible-Cap-6433
“OP, you didn’t throw mommy’s baby away. You just quit trying to have an adult relationship with an emotionally stunted man-child.”
“Oh yeah, and ‘she couldn’t handle my mother’ is code for ‘I’m a spineless momma’s boy.'”
“Most people understand that.” – NoResolution6666
“OP, NTA.”
“I love my MIL. She visited our house once six years ago and hasn’t been again since. We visit monthly for Sunday dinners which are always a hoot. She is ditzy and fun, she is younger too only 57 as she had my husband at 21.”
“His gran is my favourite, also young she’s 73. I encourage him to visit more but monthly just works best for schedules and he calls weekly.”
“We have only had one disagreement, she wanted grandchildren, and we are child-free and remaining so. He shut that down so fast I got whiplash, I didn’t even say anything I was shocked and he immediately jumped in and said no mam, no kids we’ve said that. End of conversation.”
“Your ex-fiancé was a mummy’s boy and didn’t have a backbone. If he did he would be on your side not hers. It also stands out that it was small things that built up and he didn’t say anything.”
“I’m sorry that your relationship ended, but there will be someone out there who has your back.” – fergie_89
The subReddit applauded the OP for recognizing her worth and for standing up for herself against not one, but two, people who were not valuing her or listening to her concerns.
The OP undoubtedly would find something new, but her ex would need to learn something about boundaries before a relationship would work for him.