The only way to really know if you can trust your partner is to trust them and see if they live up to it.
But some people cannot handle trusting first and find ways to test their partners, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor False-Damage5520 thought that everything was going well with his girlfriend, at least until they attended a birthday party together with some of their friends.
When he discovered that she had given him a "loyalty test" by sending a few of her friends to flirt with him and record his reaction, the Original Poster (OP) felt betrayed and wrongfully judged, and he wasn't so sure about the relationship anymore.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being annoyed that my girlfriend tested my 'loyalty' in front of all of our friends?"
The OP noticed some unusual behavior at a birthday party he attended.
"My girlfriend (23 Female) and I (20 Male) were at a birthday party for one of her friends this weekend. There were maybe 15 people there, mostly her friends, but some mutuals."
"At some point, one of her single friends (who I've barely spoken to before) starts talking to me while my girlfriend is across the room. Normal conversation. Nothing weird. We were literally talking about where we grew up."
"Out of nowhere, my girlfriend walks over and goes, 'So… do you think she's pretty?'"
"I thought she was joking, so I laughed and said, 'I mean, sure? She's objectively attractive.'"
"That was the wrong answer."
Then the OP discovered this was all part of some "test."
"Apparently, this was some kind of 'loyalty test.'"
"Later that night, I found out she had told two of her friends beforehand to 'see how I move when I'm around other girls.'"
"One of them admitted they were intentionally trying to flirt a little to see what I'd do."
"Now my girlfriend is upset because I 'entertained it' instead of immediately shutting it down."
"I'm upset because I feel like I was set up in front of a room full of people."
"The next day, two of her friends texted her, saying I 'seemed a little too comfortable.' Now she says she feels embarrassed because she 'defended me.'"
"I told her it's weird to orchestrate a social experiment on me and then poll a jury about it. She said I'm overreacting and that 'if you had nothing to hide, you wouldn't care.'"
The OP felt uncomfortable and betrayed.
"Now it feels awkward with her entire friend group, and I feel like I'm being judged based on a situation they created."
"Am I overreacting for being annoyed that I was basically put through a public loyalty test?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some questioned if the OP's girlfriend was mature enough to be in a relationship.
"What were you supposed to say in front of this girl? That you believed she was ugly?"
"Your girlfriend sounds insecure. People who do loyalty tests like this are not mature enough to be in adult relationships."
"I would break up, OP. Life is short, and you are young, so why stay with someone who purposely humiliates you in public?" - swift_stegosaurus
"She's 23 and acting like she's in high school. You're not overreacting. Loyalty testing someone you're with is weird no matter what." - blasianho
"NOR. If you're setting your partner up for these kinds of tests, you obviously have trust issues and shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. I'd rethink dating this girl, OP, because she's likely to continue doing things like this." - copypop
"Loyalty tests are for insecure and immature people. Break up and find someone better." - Ihavenoclue91
"100%, OP, cut your losses and move on. This girl is gonna continue to be toxic. She obviously has some insecurities that she needs to tackle before dating people." - New-Avocado-3010
"I won't lie, I had an ex tell me to tell her friend that she's pretty."
"I pulled my ex aside in front of her friend, and I said, 'Don't you ever ask me something like that again.'"
"That was the last time it happened. Don't ask me questions that may make you feel insecure about us, I'm not playing the games." - PaladinHunter
"NOR. The only acceptable response to that is, 'That's a really disrespectful question, to both me and her.'" - anonymommy15
"I can only imagine the 'correct' response is, 'I only have eyes for my girlfriend,' or something. I imagine."
"The whole setup is just... cringe. A loyalty test? And one where failure includes simply saying, 'I can see that she is objectively pretty, yes,' which to me is a very neutral response... It just sucks."
"I can imagine that if OP had said, 'I don't know, it's not something I was thinking about,' instead of looking at the friend and giving a response, then the girlfriend would have assumed he was not being truthful or avoiding getting himself in trouble with the truth." - gabsaur
"I've been married to my husband for a (COUGH) long time. Wanna know how many times I've tested his loyalty? ZERO. That would have weakened our relationship, not helped it, and I wanted this thing to last." - Heavy-Temporary5450
Others weren't sure what the girlfriend was even trying to accomplish.
"NOR. I'd leave my partner if they revealed themselves capable of a profoundly stupid and immature stunt such as that. Especially if they followed up by doubling down. If anything, you're underreacting." - Reteperator
"Wouldn't this be a good confirmation of honesty? If your significant other can't handle that you find other people attractive BUT CHOSE THEM, then they are just super insecure, and they need to get over it." - DiarrheaJohnson
"She doesn't want you to be hospitable toward her... friends? That's preschool s**t, not dating territory."
"My boyfriend absolutely MUST get along with my friends. Except when I decide that means he's a cheater. No, I won't tell you what mode we're in; you'll know we've switched when I start yelling." - AstuteSalamander
"Your girlfriend should be embarrassed… because she is embarrassing herself. What she did is extremely juvenile. Getting her friends involved? And this is a growna** woman?"
"NOR at all. We need to bring back shaming. Like, this is point-and-laugh levels of embarrassing on her part." - collaredd
"Was he supposed to just refuse to talk to them or be friendly because... they are female? I don't know how one passes this 'test.'" - Grilled_Cheese10
"Seriously, isn't the point of introducing your significant other to your friends for everyone to get along, get to know each other, and have a good time? Like, integrate them into the group?"
"How could you be yourself or enjoy yourself if you thought every interaction was a test? So weird. This is lowkey narcissistic and psycho behavior, in my opinion." - Pmw9554
"My experience has been that the ones administering the 'tests' to their significant others are the cheaters. They keep the focus on you so nobody notices what they're up to. Beware. And leave." - Organic-Low-2992
"With this type of woman, there is never a correct answer and no way to pass the test."
"As a woman, I have found that even being friends with someone like this is exhausting. I can't imagine what being in a relationship would be like." - One-Illustrator5452
"That's some real childish behavior on her part. I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship if my significant other did something like that. A relationship with someone who is too immature would be so dramatic and draining." - LittleMissKicks
"NOR. That is disrespectful to say the least. So your girlfriend likes to play games that you didn't sign up for or consent to. Can you trust anything she does from this point forward? A move like that would honestly make me question the relationship. What did I do that made her feel the need to test me besides her just being a bored preteen with access to her mom's Cosmopolitan or TikTok account with too many relationship trend videos liked and saved?" - RidiculousSucculent
"It may not be the right answer for the girlfriend, but it'd be the right answer for OP… but he needs to just call her out on it right then and there."
"Do you think she's pretty? The answer is, 'What do you want to hear? If I say yes, you're upset and think I'm tempted. If I say no, I've just insulted your friend. Whose feelings do you want me to hurt by 'testing' me this way?"
"People who do these 'tests' are horribly insecure and shallow. They need to be called out. It won't end well for the relationship, but OP can have a clear conscience." - Squibit314
The subReddit was left actively side-eyeing the OP's girlfriend for how she tested him in front of everyone before accusing him of having something to hide if he was uncomfortable with being tested.
A relationship is nothing without a foundation of trust and communication.
If the girlfriend was unsure about something, she should have brought it up to the OP in private, not tested him in public. Now, most Redditors would find themselves second-guessing or ending the relationship the OP found himself in, and it seemed he was harboring the same thoughts.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.