No matter how hard some may try, our emotions are the one universal thing that no one has control over.
Particularly when grief comes into play.
As grief has a way of affecting our day to day life in ways we might never expect.
Often having a deep impact on our relationships, for better or for worse.
Redditor Thedefiantmessenger recently lost her husband.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) did not have the best relationship with her late husband’s children before his passing.
Nor did their relationship get any better after he died.
Not helped by the fact that they wanted something that the OP was not at all willing to give them.
Concerned she may be in the wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not giving his ashes to my husband’s children?”
The OP explained how her relationship with her stepchildren went from bad to worse after her husband’s passing:
“My husband had been sick for a long time.”
“I was his carer and was able to work from home to be there when he needed me.”
“When we went to hospital I was his advocate.”
“His children would call or stop by just to ask for money.”
“I even gave up a works bonus to give it all to his daughter.”
“We took £1000 out of our limited savings to help the other with the understanding she would pay it back.”
“We did not expect massive payments, just like £20 a month.”
“My husband finally realized what they were doing and stopped giving them money.”
“This was about 2 years before he passed.”
“The girls stopped calling or coming by at all once the bank dried up.”
“I could see how badly it affected him, at times he would just stare off into space and say he missed them.”
“Both girls had changed their phone numbers and had moved from their home so we had no way to get in touch.our numbers were the same.”
“The landline was about ten years old and the mobiles about 8 years.”
“So they could have called anytime or stopped by as we had been at that address for 14 years.”
“He passed at the end of December.”
“It was really unexpected as he was doing ok.”
“I was absolutely hysterical about his death.”
“And then I found out the corner may wish to do an autopsy, as it was unexpected.”
“The time of year made a backlog of cases for the coroner, so we had to wait.”
“It took me a week to even think of notifying his daughters.”
“I realize I should have tried to reach out earlier, but I was not doing well with the loss.”
“I remembered one of the daughters having a Facebook account, so I looked through and found her.”
“I sent her the message ‘please call, urgent.’ I got a call almost immediately and told her what had happened.”
“About 20 minutes later, there was frantic knocking on the door.”
“The younger of his girls was out there spitting fire, it took me a week to tell them.”
“She asked when the funeral was being held, and we told her we didn’t know but would be telling them the minute we found out.”
“She accused me of lying about it and that I wouldn’t let them know when their own father’s funeral real would be.”
“A few days later, I started getting text messages with ‘I want this item or that one.’ It was becoming ridiculous.”
“I rounded up everything that had been theirs and gave it to them.”
“Plus more from the texts they asked for.”
“It was funny after 2 years of silence, suddenly they wanted rings of his.”
“I was finally able to arrange his funeral, and a few days later, his ashes were delivered to me.”
“The final text I got from them was Can we have some of his ashes for remembrance jewelry? ‘”
“I said No.”
“I told them my husband had never even wanted me to notify them he had died.”
“So I wasn’t going to give them any of his ashes.”
“AITA for not giving them some of his ashes?”
The OP would later return with an update, offering some more information as to why she waited as long as she did to tell her husband’s children about his passing:
“What you have to understand is I got up to use the toilet at 3am went back to bed next to him and then woke up at 4:05 am and he was gone!”
“He had a DNR in place so I couldn’t even try to give him CPR.”
“The doctor was called and I sat downstairs waiting for the results of the exam to verify his death and I honestly thought the doctor was going to say I have arranged ambulance to rush him to hospital.”
“Instead he said his condolences.”
“Called the police to stand guard over our bedroom until the corner got there hours later.”
“I was in such shock I sat in his favorite chair, for days, barely ate, and just stared at nothing.”
“It took a week for my brain to even comprehend he was gone.”
“Kept thinking he was just at hospital.”
“I have learned since that the trauma of waking up next to him kind of shut my brain in down to try and protect me from the pain.”
“So I agree they should have been told right away, but I was in no state to think rationally and as soon as my brain stated working I tried to find a way to contact them.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not hte a**hole for not giving her late husband’s ashes to his children.
Most agreed that since the OP’s stepchildren only relied on their father to get them out of financial hardships, they were unworthy of inheriting his ashes:
“NTA.”
“Their behavior is abhorrent.”
“That said, I wouldn’t make or be pressured to make any big decisions right now.”
“If all the legal actions are completed, including funeral arrangements, hit pause.”
“You need time to process, grieve, shake your fist at the sky, and start to heal.”
“Give yourself some grace.”
“In six months if you feel the same way, then nothing changes for you – keep the ashes.”
“If you find yourself willing to part with some ashes, so be it.”
“Arrange it through a neutral party – his kids’ treatment of you is awful.”
“Another option or compromise is to leave his ashes to them upon your passing.”
“Bottom line, NTA.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”- Reasonable-Bad-769
“NTA.”
“Do what you want with the ashes and block communication with his free-loading kids.”
“It takes time to grieve, and you don’t need the irritation of dealing with selfish brats.”- LompocianLady
“NTA.”
“When my husband died, I couldn’t part with his ashes for a while.”
“I did give out 14 year 14-year-old daughter some in a locket, but the rest of his family no.”
“I didn’t want to separate him out, I wasn’t ready to let him go really.”
“You do what you need to do, and the rest can just accept it.”- SpencersLady73
“NTA.”
“If he didn’t even want them informed, you’ve done what’s needed and more.”
“Could have packed their items and shipped it to them instead.”- CompetitiveBuddy3712
“NTA.”
“When the bank closed, they quit visiting, so that shows they had zero care about him, just his money, so go strictly by his will, wishes.”
“If there is nothing required to give to them, they should get nothing.”
“Tell them they should have thought about that when he was alive, and they could have visited.”
“Their lack of caring about him ended and inheritance.”- olderguy6432
There were some, however, who felt that grief was getting in the way of everyone’s ability to see clearly and make decisions. Many felt that as they were his daughters, the OP’s stepchildren were deserving of his ashes, even if they found her hesitancy to hand them over understandable:
“NAH.”
“This is a tricky situation.”
“Everyone sounds emotional.”
“I think that you should give them some ashes.”
“Your husband does not care.”
“Your husband is not in those ashes.”
“The ashes are dirt.”
“Your husband is in a better place.”
“If the kids want dirt… what does it harm you to give them dirt?”
“Anyway make the choice that you can live with best.”
“I am sorry for your loss.”- ScaryButterscotch474
Children wanting possession of their late parent’s ashes is not unusual.
However, seeing as the OP’s stepchildren were only interested in being involved in their father’s life when they needed something from him, one can understand the OP’s hesitancy.
As many have suggested, though, perhaps it would be best for everyone to wait on making any decisions on this matter until after their judgment won’t be affected by grief.