Friendships are often more complex than people realize.
True, we all have friends who we can rely on, who are always a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to, who we're equally happy to be there for as well.
That being said, it's not uncommon for jealousy to arise within friendships.
Even with those we consider our nearest and dearest.
The wedding of Redditor Own-Prize-4078 was fast approaching, and her best friend was set to be her maid of honor (MOH).
The original poster (OP) was finding herself experiencing those all-too-common anxious episodes that come with planning a wedding.
Things took an unexpected turn, however, when the OP's MOH made an announcement that not only added to her wedding planning stress, but might have forever affected their friendship.
Wondering if she overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA my best friend is having her wedding a month before mine"
The OP explained why her MOH's wedding date threw her into a tizzy and forever threatened their friendship:
"My wedding is in May 2026."
"My best friend, I will call Sara, is my MOH."
"I have been planning my wedding for a long time and it has been very stressful."
"The issue is Sara over dinner informed me she is having her wedding in April of 2026."
"I asked her why and she told me the venue was open and asked me to be her MOH."
"I told her that it was about a month before my wedding."
"She told me she knows and started talking about needed to go weddding shopping and that the bachelorette party needs to be planned."
"I told her that she is making my life so much harder."
"That she knows that I am stressed about my own wedding and now I have to do all this extra sh*t for her wedding. not to mention she knows I am tight on money due to my own wedding and I can't buy the stuff without going in debt."
"Like bridesmaid dresses or do an extra trip."
"I also point out that I knew she had a problem with me getting married first (she is older, and made comments about how nice is was to get married, and that she should have been first and this was petty bullsh*t."
"She got mad and told me I don't control the wedding date, and she can have it whenever."
"That if I am not going to be her MOH and help plan it to not come at all."
"I told her okay and told her good luck."
"I have gotten many mixed responses about this and want an outside perspective."
"She got engaged last weekend, for her one-year anniversary."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for their reaction to Sara's wedding date.
Many agreed with the OP that Sara planned her wedding when she did simply to one-up her, and was being petty and malicious:
"I have a feeling I will be downvoted."
"NTA."
"That is f*cked up to put her wedding a month beforehand and ask you to do all this extra stuff when she knows you are stressed about your own wedding."
"She plans to do it in 6 months and expects you to be MOH and all that entails."
"Weddings usually take a full year to plan."
"Yes, she is doing it to be a d*ck."
"The whole be my MOH or don't come is stupid."- SoccerProblem3547
"NTA."
"You have no say in when she has her wedding."
"And you're not AH for declining to be her MOH since you have your own wedding to plan."
"And normally I'd say no AH here, but Sara agreed to be YOUR MOH."
"And that involves a lot of work, which she most likely won't be doing a good job of, since she is planning her own wedding, getting married, AND having her honeymoon just before your date."
"So she's not going to be a good MOH."
"Which makes her the AH here."
"Plus if she has a bigger budget, her wedding will definitely overshadow yours."
"If you're ready to end the friendship, you're free to decline to be her MOH and find a new MOH for your wedding."- 1962Michael
"NTA."
"You've been planning your wedding for a long time, she suddenly announces hers is one month before yours, and then she has a tantrum because you won't shift essential money and planning energy from your own wedding to hers."
"The 'I should have been first' energy is gross and will continue to show up in your friendship if you stay close to her."
"Let this friendship die and enjoy your wedding without the presence of a fake friend who sees you as competition."- Rich_Leather8124
"Do you have a backup MOH?"
"You're going to need one, I'm betting."
"But no."
"You are NTA."
"That's just too much to handle at once."- Aggravating_Sun7672
"NTA."
"Given the precedence of her behavior while you're planning your wedding, I don't think you're the a**hole."
"I think you're doing the right thing."
"Congratulations on your wedding."- Affectionate_Two2497
"NTA."
"You're well within your rights to decline being MOH when you've already spent so much time, energy, and money on your own wedding."
"She should have known when she picked that date there'd be a huge chance you couldn't be MOH or even a bridesmaid."
"For her to basically say 'be my MOH or don't come' is not something a best friend would do."
"I'd start looking for a new MOH."- Zadsta
"NTA."
"Drop the so-called friend."- InkBlot83
"NTA."
"I agree with you."- Elmy50
"NTA."
"I had a friend who was a one-upper."
"I'd be lying in a hospital bed and she would be trying to get in there with me, pushing me to the side to say she was sick too."
"I get where you are coming from."
"She sounds horrible."
"I wish you had included in the edit for the whole story since most people are going say you are the ah."- Beautyizdead
"NTA."
"In my opinion."
"While she is allowed to have her wedding anytime, suddenly deciding to do a wedding right before yours does reek of jealousy and control issues."
"Additionally, if your budget is stretched tight."
"It just feels shitty and like too much."
"You two don't really sound like best friends."
"Maybe time to move on."- IndicaRain
There were some, however, who felt that the OP didn't need to sink quite so low, and wondered why she even chose Sara as her maid of honor if she brought on so much trouble, even if they still didn't sympathize with Sara:
"ESH."
"You don't own dibs on the months around your wedding date."
"You can just decline being a maid of honor without accusing her of being jealous and trying to sabotage you."
"Are you two even friends?"
"If she's saying the invite depends on your helping or not, that's pretty rude and not what a friend would do either."- thewhiterosequeen
"ESH."
"'I told her that she is making my life so much harder. That she knows that I am stressed about my own wedding and now I have to do all this extra sh*t for her wedding'."
"This is rude as f*ck, you should have just politely declined and told her you wouldn't be available to take on the responsibilities because of your own prior obligations."
"But she's also rude as f*ck for telling you not to come unless you agree to be her maid of honor, that's extremely unreasonable and manipulative."
"'I talk about getting a dog , she gets one before me'."
"Bro do you think you would have been the first person to ever get a dog?"
"Who f*ckin cares."- BigBigBigTree
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood between her and her maid of honor:
"You're right, I responded badly to it, but I am done,"
"She has a habit of always having to be first, always having to be the center of attention."
"And for once I thought It would be about me and she does this."
"I talk about getting a dog, she gets one before me, and from the same place I talked about."
"Literally was meeting them a few days after she dropped that."
"I plan a vacation to the Finger Lakes, oh she does it two weeks before my date and tells everyone how great her idea was on vacation
"So on and so on, I bet if I talked about kids, she would get pregnant just to beat me to it."
"Always having to be first for everything."
"I am just done with her; I deserve better."
"The wedding was the last straw."
There's no denying that Sara's wedding date was bound to be an unpleasant surprise for the OP.
Even so, based on everything the OP said, it doesn't really seem like Sara and the OP are friends.
Leaving one to wonder if either of them will be missed at either wedding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp