Having to wear diapers past a certain age can be a sensitive topic for children.
At night, sometimes accidents happen.
It doesn't mean diapers will be needed forever.
But for a kid, it can feel like the problem may never end.
The last thing they want is their business exposed in public.
Redditor CryptographerOld5750 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not being more discreet at the store for my son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My son, 9 M[ale], is upset with me right now for an incident that happened yesterday at the store."
"Yesterday we were at the store to stock up on groceries, it was me, 37 F[emale], my son, 9 M, and my daughter, 7 F."
"My son still wets the bed and wears Goodnites (big kid pull-ups for bedwetting) for it, and we went and got those first like we always do, so we can hide them underneath other stuff."
"It went pretty well for most of the trip, but there was an issue when we got to checkout."
"I was unloading the last of the groceries when I heard him say in a kinda worried voice, 'No Mom, please stop,' but I had already put his Goodnites on the belt."
"I asked him what was wrong, he pointed out that his friend was at the store with her parents and might see us, and he didn't want her to see his Goodnites."
"I said it would be okay and put the last of the other groceries around his Goodnites so nobody would see them."
"We got our stuff rang up and left with no problems, but my son didn't say a word to me on the car ride home."
"Later, I asked him what was making him so upset."
"He said he didn't want his friend to see his Goodnites, and that's why he wanted me to stop unloading the groceries, and said I was being a jerk for not stopping, and his friend almost saw them."
"I explained to him that I never meant to make him feel bad, I just needed to get the groceries unloaded so they could be rung up."
"But this didn't help, and he said I was being a jerk and didn't talk to me much for the rest of the evening, and was very quiet at Breakfast today."
"I asked him if he was still upset, and he said yes, he was cuz I was a jerk."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. Even small humans deserve to have a say over things that embarrass them."
"I would really try to order these online going forward."
"You know your son is uncomfortable to the point that you hide them in your groceries, just remove the discomfort and order them online."
"Kids can be mean, and they absolutely will use something like peeing the bed at that age to mock your child."
"He's right to want to protect his privacy and peace."
"As grown-ups, we're allowed to be embarrassed by things we buy and have the ability to buy them discreetly."
"Give your son that same option."
"ETA a judgement since I forgot one and ended up in the top comment!"
"YTA, but this is fixable." ~ nikki57
"I mean, they could say it's for a baby cousin, too, but it still doesn't matter."
"Little guy is terrified, and I think that really SHOULD matter enough to order them online or have them brought to the car for pickup (Walmart does this for free)."
"I was bullied my entire childhood/high school, as well as being abused at home, and it destroyed me."
"I really feel for this child and his fears."
"He deserves to matter enough to have someone consider his fear and get this private item in a private way." ~ Moonfallthefox
"I had an accident in grade school; it happens."
"My mom did not attempt to keep it quiet at home, and my sister told everyone she could find at school."
"There are still grown a** adults I went to school with who remember this."
"He won't get over it."
"Being a kid is traumatic enough; your parents shouldn't be a source of it. YTA." ~ emortens_liz
"I mean... you decide if you were the a**hole, but consider this."
"If the kids at school got hold of this information, you would essentially end his life."
"He would mercilessly be bullied for all of his formative years, in all likelihood."
"You took that chance."
"Your kid understood the stakes."
"It clearly haunts him."
"And you decided to play a little Russian roulette with your kid's reputation." ~ leaveitintherearview
"Not to your question, but I'd like to share."
"My son never got out of nighttime diapers."
"He started kindergarten with his twin, and I was concerned he might be embarrassed."
"A family member shared that when her kids were young, she had the same issue and bought a 'wet alarm.'"
"It's a device worn on the wrist, with a wire running down to a clip that clips on the underwear in front of the privates."
"If the contact is made between the clips (by getting wet), the wrist alarm beeps."
"The child wakes and goes to the bathroom."
"My son was cured in 3 days, and he's almost 40 now."
"I would highly recommend."
"They're probably higher tech now."
"I don't know what your son's issue is, or if this would be helpful."
"My son just slept too soundly to wake up." ~ Unusual-Cloud-5048
"YTA, order them online or have them delivered."
"I know delivery fees can be outrageous and inconvenient, but if it spares your son embarrassment, it should be worth it."
"Or maybe buy them when he's not with you, like on your way home from work." ~ po-tat-o-bi*ch
"What would you want if the roles were reversed?"
"That's what I think of when things like this happen with my daughter."
"I would want someone to apologize first, then discuss with me what they could do differently next time."
"It's basically just being respectful."
"This works every time with my seven-year-old."
"Dismissing someone else's feelings or becoming defensive only makes things worse." ~ SJBirdofprey
"YTA. That's the kind of thing that would absolutely be used to torture him at school."
"It's inconvenient, but I buy them without my kids in tow."
"It sucks to make an extra trip, but it's not worth my child being tormented at school because someone saw us at the store." ~ cakeresurfacer
"Soft ESH."
"He needs to recognize that other people don't pay remotely as much attention to him as he thinks they do, but that's hard at that age."
'He needs to not call you insulting terms, and he needs to forgive when it's clear you weren't intending anything bad."
"You need to recognize the level of risk he feels."
"To him, this is huge."
"Exposure could mean complete social destruction."
"Maybe the cashier could scan the Goodnites with a wand, so you don't have to take them all the way out of the cart."
"Maybe you can hand them to the cashier right when it's time to ring them up, and put them right back into the cart."
"Find some way to show him that you are doing what you can to minimize the visibility of the Goodnites, if only to demonstrate to your son that you understand how dangerous this feels for him." ~ Tom_Tildrum
"I'm going to go against the grain and say it's a soft YTA."
"There's clearly a lot of angst and insecurity about the whole thing (as expected), and you kinda dismissed and minimized your son's anxiety in the moment, even if it was unintentional on your part."
"He's clearly struggling with this, so it might be worth finding a different way to get the pull-ups." ~ MutantHoundLover
"I wouldn't say YTA, but maybe a bit insensitive."
'Would you have plunked a case of adult diapers on the belt if your co-worker were within eyesight of your purchases?'
"The best thing to do would have been to take another turn around the store while waiting for the schoolmate and her parents to leave." ~ aeraen
"Soft YTA."
"Be more respectful of your son's embarrassment and feelings."
"He tried to speak up and let you know how he felt, and you minimized his feelings."
"He will be less inclined to share his feelings in the future because of that. 😕."
"Buy them without him in the future or order online, do grocery pickup, or something."
"But mostly, LISTEN to your kids." ~ earmares
"YTA, it doesn't really matter if you are in the wrong or not."
"What matters is how your son feels and your willingness to acknowledge his feelings."
"Sometimes you can make a mistake, and the way you act after is what actually hurts." ~ thewhaler
"YTA. Order them online or buy without him there."
'He asked you to stop, and you carried on."
"Poor lad." ~ TippyTurtley
OP came back with an Update...
"I just talked to my son and apologized to him for making him feel like I didn't care about his feelings and being a jerk at the store."
"I told him I never meant to make him feel bad, and I was sorry I did."
'I promised him we will be buying his Goodnites using curbside pickup from now on (we do most of our shopping at Fred Meyer's and they offer free delivery for orders 35$ and up, so making his Goodnites part of a bigger delivery will work fine for us and not hurt our Budget)."
"He was quite glad to hear this, which makes me wish I had done it sooner."
"He accepted my apology, and we cuddled for a few minutes, and now we're about to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie that he picks out."
"Thanks, everyone, for your help!"
It's great to hear that the situation was resolved, OP.
It's nice to see that parents can acknowledge their mistakes and apologize to their kids.
Happy Shopping!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp