Marrying into a family may require adding new traditions to remain friendly with your in-laws.
Outright rejecting them is certainly within a person’s rights, but then they can’t be surprised if they’re unpopular with their in-laws.
A woman married for eight months turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after conflict with her husband’s siblings over a family tradition.
LilacEl54 asked:
“AITA for telling my husband’s stepsister that we’d no longer be going on holiday with her/his stepsiblings ever?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband’s parents are divorced, so he has stepsiblings, a stepsister and one stepbrother, from my mother-in-law’s second marriage. He also has one sister whom I love and get along great with.”
“Every year, the siblings take at least one vacation together. To them, it’s probably considered a tradition, and it’s been very clear in the few months we’ve been married that his stepsiblings intend to continue that tradition regardless of how I feel about it.”
“This is an assumption, but I feel like they partly want my husband there because he either pays for it or has access to my father-in-law’s vacation homes.”
“The reason I want to put a stop to it is because I don’t like his stepsister or his stepbrother’s wife. My husband didn’t introduce me to his mother’s side of the family until after he proposed, and from the start, his stepsister and stepbrother’s wives were very frosty and standoffish with me.”
“I moved in with him once we got engaged, but we lived about an hour apart while we dated for four years, so it wouldn’t have been impossible for me to meet them before, but he wanted to wait.”
“We see them with such a huge frequency now because my husband tries to spend an equal amount of time between both parents; otherwise, it causes conflicts with my mother-in-law.”
“I have no idea why they dislike me, but I got the vibe that they were hoping/expecting our relationship to fizzle out. Now they’re a bit nicer to me, but I know they’re not my type of people, and I much prefer his sister and his father’s side of the family.”
“I’ve known them for about 8 months, and we usually have dinner with them once every 2 weeks, but leading up to the wedding, I saw them almost every day for about a month.”
“Before we were married, if my husband wasn’t in the room, they wouldn’t really speak to me and would intentionally switch to a topic that I knew nothing about, and they wouldn’t make an effort to include me. When I would try to speak to them, it was one or two-word responses.”
“They’d also invite my husband to places and then act shocked that he’d brought me too. I know from my sister-in-law that after they met me for the first time, their stepbrother’s wife asked if they thought my husband would call off the wedding, and that even though no one outright said yes, they were all giving each other a look which clearly showed they thought he would.”
“The idea of having to spend at least one vacation a year with them makes me feel so much dread, and I’m not going to force myself to do that.”
“My husband is close to his stepbrother, so he doesn’t mind going on holiday with them. He said he didn’t introduce me to them right away because he didn’t want to scare me off after I had already dealt with his dad and that side of his family. I thought he was joking, but I guess not.”
“His stepsister informed me a few days ago that we’d be going to Greece in August. Honestly, the way she told me instead of asking me really rubbed me the wrong way, so I told her we wouldn’t be going on holidays with her/his stepsiblings going forward.”
“She asked me if my husband had said that, and I told her no, that I was telling her that’s how things will be going forward. I know I should’ve spoken to my husband first, but he knows his stepfamily hasn’t been the most welcoming, and I said it in the heat of the moment.”
“His stepsister essentially told me, his wife, that I couldn’t make that decision for him and that I didn’t need to come on the vacation, but my husband definitely would. I was pretty angry at this point, so I told her he wouldn’t go if I asked him not to, which is true, but I think it’s made it easy for my stepsister to turn my mother-in-law against me.”
“My sister-in-law is siding with me, but I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law doesn’t like me very much anymore. My husband agreed he wouldn’t go if I didn’t want to, but he thinks I should’ve spoken to him and let him handle the conversation because now I look like the bad guy when I should’ve let him take the blame.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my husband’s stepsister we’d no longer be going on holiday/vacations with her or his stepsiblings going forward.”
“I said it without first speaking to my husband, even though I know they have a bit of a tradition where they take at least one holiday together a year.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors overwhelmingly decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“YTA. Nothing you’ve shared excuses your actions. Even if his stepsister is a problematic person, you’ve made things significantly worse for yourself and for your husband.”
“You’ve made yourself look like the controlling wife that’s isolating him from his family, and that is a huge red flag. All because of your petty attitude towards someone. Grow the f*ck up!” ~ Squirrelly_Khan
“Essentially, you aren’t an easy person to be around or get along with, is what it sounds like. YTA.”
“Clearly, your husband loves you. I’d suggest alienating him from family is not going to help that last.”
“Pick your battles or your marriage will be short-lived.” ~ Express-Nerve-1718
“If he doesn’t mind going on holiday with them, just have him go. You don’t have to go. You don’t have to be super close to his stepsiblings for him to have a relationship with them.”
“Sounds like you just don’t like stepsiblings from this post. Maybe you have something against divorce? Sounds like you’re headed that way by not allowing your husband to have a say in this.” ~ Alternative-Row4900
“Please inform us what in the world these stepsiblings have done to you aside from ‘seem a bit cold’? Like you haven’t shared a single slight against you in any way, shape, or form.”
“YTA. You sound like a toddler who isn’t getting their way. If they’ve done something to warrant your hatred, why not share it in the post or any comments?” ~ nomskittlesnom
“He doesn’t mind? You mean he wants to go. Dude, stop trying to f*ck your husband over with his family.”
“You’re selfish as f*ck and only are taking what you want into consideration while acting like a f*cking dictator.” ~ dijonjackson
“YTA. You don’t have to go, but you don’t get to dictate what he does with his family. If he wants to go, he gets to go.”
“This entire post is about you not getting along with them, there’s nothing in there to indicate that they are treating you unfairly, and nothing says your husband does not get along with them and doesn’t enjoy the trips.
They just rub you the wrong way because of things even you state are just assumptions you’re making, so you decided that your husband doesn’t get to go because of that. That’s a big no.” ~ Ldowd096
“YTA. Your husband is right – you should have spoken to him and agreed together how to handle this. Instead you just started a fight where frankly there was no reason for one.”
“Your stepsister doesn’t need to turn your MIL against you. You’re speaking for her son, without consulting him, being rude to his stepsister/her stepdaughter – yeah, no sh*t she won’t like you much after that.” ~ happybanana134
“Honestly. All OP gives us is that they were “kind of standoffish” on their first meeting. What a horrible, horrible offense of being not warm and bubbly to a new partner. How dare they‽‽”
“It seems to me like she’s been taking things personally, making assumptions, and escalating minor issues from the start. No wonder they have issues.” ~ beckdawg19
“She’s automatically assuming they’re using her husband. Like, there couldn’t possibly be any other reason they want to spend time with him.” ~ Any-Question-3759
“Yeah, that really rubbed me the wrong way, too. Like, I’m not the richest one in my family, and they often foot the bill when we hang out, but that’s not why we hang out. I just love them and hanging out with them, and I’d be just as happy to split the bills if they ever asked.” ~ beckdawg19
Some thought the OP was the a**hole, but so were some others in the situation (ESH).
“ESH. You don’t get to decree what your husband is doing. Neither does his stepsister.
You could have handled this like an adult and said something like, ‘oh, you are going to Greece with? the siblings are going? my husband and I haven’t heard about it, but we will discuss whether that works for us and whether we’re interested and get back to everyone’.”
“That’s all you had to say. Then you could have spoken with your husband and discussed how you felt about this being presented as a fait accompli. How you feel about the stepsiblings in general and specifically regarding the trips.”
“But instead you made it you v. them. Why? Are you 5?” ~ rak1882
“ESH – you just shot yourself in the foot. You don’t want to go talk with your husband and have him share that news. Now you seem just as entitled as they do. This will be the talk of that side of the family for years to come.” ~ SillyMoose22
OP has only known their in-laws for less than a year and admits most of her decision was based on her own assumptions and feelings, not anything that actually happened.
OP said she doesn’t know why she’s disliked.
Everyone reading her story has a pretty good idea…