The hope for children of divorced parents is for co-parenting to be amicable, but that’s often not the case.
When one orboth parents start new families, things can get complicated. If both parents are from different socio-economic classes, jealousy can become an issue between half and stepsiblings.
But is it the responsibility of a parent to meet the needs of their exes other children? It might bring greater harmony among the siblings, but where would it end?
A father with primary custody of his son turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his ex-wife told him he needed to buy things for her children, too.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Kovuruunns asked:
“AITAH for saying it’s not my problem if my ex and her husband can’t afford their kids?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, male) was married to Marin (30, female) and we have a son together who’s now 8.”
“When Marin was pregnant, I found out she was cheating on me with James (33, male). James had a girlfriend who was pregnant at the same time.”
“When my son was born, we needed a DNA test to find out if I was his father or James was. As Marin’s husband, I was the legal father and that made it easier when the DNA results showed he was actually mine.”
“Because she fought to name James his father, things were toxic. James was there for everything in the later pregnancy and the birth and Marin told me nothing.”
“Her parents were the ones who gave me info on when my son was born so I could file with the courts for a DNA test and custody and our son’s birth was also when our divorce could proceed.”
“James’ ex ended up giving him custody of their daughter and so they had her full time and my son 50% of the time and a year and a half later they had a daughter together.”
“At this point, they have James’ daughter and four more children together—five total kids not counting my son who lives with me. I won custody of my son 3.5 years ago because, in order to force more money out of me, they wouldn’t feed him enough and let him wear dirty old clothes.”
“She thought I would send more money so she could ‘afford’ to feed him. Because that was how she framed it. She couldn’t afford to feed him more.”
“I was only asked to pay child support because I earned more than Marin. But we had equal parenting time, 50/50, back then. Now Marin only sees our son every other weekend.”
“My son’s in therapy to help him with all the mess he’s witnessed and been a part of in some way in his young life. Marin was also ordered to pay a small amount of child support, but she only paid a few times.”
“She always uses the excuse that she can’t afford it and that might be true. I never push it, because I can take care of my son without her.”
“For the last 2-ish years, Marin has looked to me to buy extra school supplies and share them among her two school aged kids. So her stepdaughter and first daughter with James.”
“I have always ignored those requests and sent my son with supplies and donated a few to his class as requested. I have never bought a single thing for the other children in my ex’s household.”
“Two weeks ago my son had a small surgery and Marin showed up. Marin brought up the school supplies issue and asked me to please be decent about this and get some supplies for her girls because they couldn’t afford them.”
“She told me they struggle to support the kids they have as it is and their other kids suffer. I tried to move away from her, but she followed me to another table.”
“So I told her I don’t care if they can’t afford their other kids. I told her that her other children are not my responsibility and she needs to figure something else out.”
“I told her she already denied our kid food to try and get money out of me and she lost most of her time with him as a result and my priority was my kid, not the kids she keeps having.”
“I told her I would not discuss it with her again and I haven’t, but she has sent many messages through the co-parenting app the courts have ordered us to use where she calls me an a**hole and not a good dad to our kid.”
“My lawyer knows. He tells me to keep ignoring her.”
“And for those who might wonder, this will not remove her visitation with him. It was difficult enough to get primary custody after her denying our son enough food to try and make me pay more.”
“Unless my son is older and doesn’t want to see her or CPS removes the other kids, nothing will change regarding visitation.”
“Knowing all of this, AITAH?“
The OP later added:
“He never brings his school supplies to her house. Since he only goes two weekends a month all his school stuff is left here.”
“He hates going there. He can remember the neglect (being denied enough food) because that’s what it was that happened and it was intentional.”
“That carries with him because he just doesn’t understand why his mom wouldn’t let him eat more. But his feelings about visitation don’t get taken into account by the courts at his current age.”
“But I have him in therapy, so it helps him. Plus we have the therapist as help if I ever need to get him out of there ASAP.”
“She has no shame. Neither has he. He thought I was an a**hole for not arguing against her being ordered to pay child support, because it ‘wasn’t fair’ to make her pay according to him.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was doing nothing wrong by not financially supporting his ex-wife’s five other children.
“How about this: ‘One more insult, one more demand that I do things for the kids that aren’t mine, and I will go to court for the balance of the child support you owe’.”
“That should shut her up. Or land her back in court. Which ever she chooses. NTA.” ~ lapsteelguitar
“Don’t say anything that she could use as proof she thought there was an agreement for her not to pay. It won’t erase her debt, but could get her out of a contempt charge.”
“Listen to your lawyer and keep ignoring anything that isn’t actually relevant to parenting your son. Huge – NTA.” ~ Lucky_Stay_7187
“Yeah, because if you really press it, the courts can make someone’s life extra crummy for not paying child support.” ~ Corgidev
“NTA. She chose to cheat on you. Married and had kids with her affair partner and still had the audacity to ask you to provide for the kids she has with her affair partner. That’s wild. The audacity and entitlement is insane. She should be ashamed of even asking.” ~ lazy_Genius254
“Maybe next time tell her ‘I’m surprised you can’t afford school supplies when you aren’t even paying your court ordered child support’. On the court monitored app.” ~ Aylauria
“She called you a bad father because you won’t buy stuff for children that aren’t yours? She is seriously insane.”
“Keep ignoring it and if you have to, get a restraining order as this is harassment.”
“I don’t understand why they won’t take away all visitation when she was abusing your child. The system is completely f*cked.” ~ WinterFront1431
“NTA – does she know that you could go to court to get her paychecks garnished for the back child support she owes? By her not paying the child support, she’s already taking money from you. Now she wants you to ‘give’ her more money to support her other children via school supplies? No.” ~ Visual-Lobster6625
“I love how she’s calling you a bad father to your child because you won’t help her with kids that aren’t yours. And when she was the one actively starving your son. There’s definitely a terrible parent here but it’s not you! NTA.” ~ EffectiveNo7681
“Only have conversations through the parenting app. You can also reference her attempts to communicate outside of the app in the parenting app.
“Such as, ‘please don’t approach me outside of the app as you did yesterday. Let’s only talk through the app’.”
“Also, openly and obviously, start recording her attempts to talk to you. Don’t need to address her remarks yourself, but record her remarks. Don’t talk at all. Gather evidence for your lawyer.” ~ Ok-Passenger-1960
It sounds like this father has done everything he legally can for his son. It’s unfortunate that his ex-wife thinks he needs to do everything for her five kids, too.
As most advised, he needs to ignore her requests and document everything for his lawyer and the courts to take any necessary action.