Everyone grieves in their own way, and while it might look odd to someone who’s comfortable crying in public for someone else not to, there isn’t necessarily a right way to do it.
Either crying or not certainly shouldn’t be a scary choice, either, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Total-Dark-4909 was not much of a crying person and definitely did not want to do so in public, so when one of his family members passed away, he did not cry at the funeral.
Not only was his friend surprised to hear this, but the Original Poster (OP) was taken aback when she admitted to being afraid of him because of not being emotional enough.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for immediately removing a friend from my house after she stated her fear of me since I didn’t cry at a funeral?”
The OP had his way of coping when his family member passed away.
“I (27 Male) put my sadness and anger into hobbies. I rarely cry (outside the death of a dog in a film).”
“There was a death in the family last week. I didn’t cry then or in private, though I was devastated. That’s who I am and how I process.”
But that wasn’t a good enough explanation for the OP’s friend.
“My friend (26 Female) was at my house, and we discussed how I dealt with it. I guess my stating that I put my sadness into the gym and my books made her uncomfortable.”
“She said that she was starting to fear me, if I’m so outwardly calm.”
“I asked why she was even at my house if she feared me. She didn’t have a good answer.”
“I have to ask, if you were scared of someone, wouldn’t you want to distance yourself as fast as possible?”
The OP did not appreciate his friend’s perception of him.
“I kicked her out and told her to take an Uber home, and that I don’t want people around me who are scared of me.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that they would have understood “concerned” but drew the line at “scared.”
“It would’ve made sense if she said she was concerned, but instead she said she was scared? Definitely NTA.” – jumpycow
“She used ‘fear’ to shame him because she didn’t understand his reaction. Therefore, in her head, he is bad and wrong, and what else is OP hiding or capable of?”
“Grandoise drama. We can not control what others think or say about us. However, we can cut out those toxins like jellyfish stingers.”
“Some people think differently and have a different perspective shaped by their experiences or lack of. Her ‘fear’ is her issue, and she should take it and go.” – FeRaL–KaTT
“No genuine friend would ever say something like this to someone when they’re grieving. She wasn’t there to help.” – Beth21286
“Gotta make it about herself somehow. She’s not a friend. NTA.” – Unfixable5060
“NTA. How you grieve is your business. You are right, if she was scared, she should’ve left.” – Binarycodewitha2
“I think she’s watched too many movies. She either expectedly the OP to be broken down, sobbing, and unable to do anything for himself, or she expected him to want grief sex and was mad that she couldn’t get any.”
“How can she expect everyone to process a tragic event in the same way? It begs the question of whether she actually knows real people.”
“To be honest, she needs to be scared of her own assumptions because she’s not getting anywhere with them.” – GentleRosePetal
“As a widow, I’m way too familiar with people who feel entitled to police how others grieve. You were right not to take any crap from that jerk. Well done!” – PieSavant
“She used ‘fear’ to shame him because she didn’t understand his reaction. In his house. Which is wild to me. She came into his house.”
“Look, like every post on these drama subreddits, this is obviously one-sided. We’ll never know the whole story, or what she actually said, or what she meant, or what op heard, or how he reacted, or why. We’ll never get enough nuance to fully appreciate and adjudicate the situation.”
“But given the information that we are given, ‘I don’t need people in my house who are afraid of me, or disrespectful of my grieving process. The door is over there,’ is a perfectly understandable and humane take.”
“I can tell you that my grandmother and I were close. When she died, I did not cry for days. Not until I stayed up all night, writing her eulogy. My wife was right by my side, helping me.”
“Later, she confided that she had “been a little worried” when I did not cry for a long time. Worried for me, is how I took it. And yes, that is what she meant.”
“But a person’s emotions are all over the place when they are grieving. Labile and unpredictable. Having bad feelings can put a bad cast on everything everyone says, just like when you’re tired or hungry.”
“In my humble opinion, a few deep breaths, and time, are probably needed in OP’s situation.” – phenomenomnom
Others reassured the OP that he was NTA and that men’s mental health is commonly misinterpreted.
“It’s also such a d**ned if you do, d**ned if you don’t. Cried openly at my mom’s funeral, and I got so annoyed by the number of women who came up to me and told me it was okay to cry.”
“I was like, no sh*t, that’s why I’m not trying to hide it at all. Instead of trying to provide any comfort, they were more interested in giving me permission to express my emotions. Of course, my sister never got told it was okay to cry.” – Kendertas
“I’m a (60 Female) Boomer/Gen-Xer… and men’s mental health is misunderstood, under-treated, and grossly lacks support. When my sister’s husband tried to leave and take his daughter, there were no domestic violence shelters for him and his child. The disparity between support for domestic violence genders is harmful to society.”
“And that is just services. Attitudes towards men’s mental health can be both covert and openly abusive. Shamed for crying. Shamed for not crying…” – Saymynaian
“OP’s friend showed a real lack of understanding of how differently men in our society are raised from women.”
“H**l, I’m a woman and don’t always cry when family members die. I don’t have a particularly close-knit family, so people like uncles and cousins I’ve seen maybe two dozen times in my whole life. I’ll be sad when they go, but I don’t foresee waterworks because we don’t have a bond to mourn.”
“Like I’m gearing up to be a true emotional support for my dad for the first time in my life, as his brother’s health is steadily declining, and I’m sure losing his younger brother is gonna be really, really rough on him. But I’m not realistically gonna be that beat up about it because I barely know the man.” – Valiant_Strawberry
“This is me whenever there is a death in the family, my garden gets weeded obsessively, and I start cooking up a storm (actually some of the best things I have ever cooked came from my fugue state cooking sprees).”
“Everyone grieves differently, and there is no ‘right’ way to do it… so don’t try to cry if you don’t feel like you have to, as that would just be being performative in your grief, just do what feels right and helps you through.”
“PS. I am sorry for your loss, OP.” – sdjmar
“After my dad’s funeral, I (a man) flew back to my home and went straight back to work. I loved my dad. I was devastated when he died (it was not unexpected, at least). But to process the grief, I needed to go back to a routine ASAP, and that’s what I did.”
“Other people feel differently. I’ve personally felt differently when other people close to me have died. The grieving depends on the person grieving AND on their relationship with the deceased, which is often complicated.”
“OP’s friend was all up in her own feelings and completely missed the point of how to support someone who is grieving.” – BillyNTheBoingers
“I think that social media has robbed us of grief. Your grief has to be performative in order to be ‘real.’ Some of us just don’t process grief that way.”
“My dad died, and I took one day to arrange all the practical bits and went back to work. I had pre-grieved for him as he had advanced dementia, and I could not see the point in sitting around the house staring at the walls.”
“Some people were very disturbed that I was not wailing and sobbing 24/7. I was sad, and three years later, I still tear up when I remember things, I just don’t think I have to go into a Victorian decline to prove that I am sad.” – JaBe68
“It’s not just a difference between men and women. Different people do things differently. I’ve never cried about someone dying. Probably never will.”
“I know plenty of guys who cry about stuff, including my son and my husband. It’s totally okay that my son and husband do, and it’s totally okay that the OP does not. His not-friend is the problem here. NTA.” – kittenlittel
“I don’t cry a lot and never in front of anyone anymore. People are weirded out by it.”
“I didn’t cry when my mom died. I had to deal with everything. I didn’t have time to cry. What would crying change? What would it do besides making me feel gross?”
“There are rare times when I have cried in the past and had it thrown back at me by the people who were supposed to comfort me. It’s just not worth it. You do you, OP. You aren’t scary.” – Competitive-Use1360
The subreddit couldn’t help but shake its head at how the OP’s “friend” had treated him during a time of terrible grief. Not only did he have to process the loss, but clearly, he had to consider how he looked when processing it, too.
But to them, there are just as many people who do not cry in the face of grief, especially in public, as people who do, and neither coping mechanism is right or wrong. The only thing that was wrong here was how the OP’s “friend” accused him of scaring her and making his grief about her.