Packing efficiently is a skill not everyone possesses. But some people are so far from efficient that it’s hard to characterize what they do as packing.
A husband struggling with his wife’s chaotic packing turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Ok-Cut-9597 asked:
“AITAH for telling my wife she makes traveling no fun?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my wife (38, female) and I (36, male) have been together 8 years. We live in my home state of Arkansas, she is from San Diego.”
“Every year she wants to visit home, we used to fly, but since we have a kid (2, female), she now wants to drive.”
“I have no problem using all my vacation days for this. She lives here. Traveling is a pain because she overpacks.”
“Used to fill my CX-7 FULL, but work gave me a $900 car allowance and we used that to get a full size Surburban. This time she loaded THAT full. I mean, front passenger to the ceiling, so I can’t see the mirrors fully.”
“We didn’t use hardly any of it. Every stop, I carried everything into the hotel because she was afraid it would get stolen. It’s 3 days each way.”
“Got through it, told her she makes traveling miserable because she is also super late. Tell her 10am. She might arrive by noon. So every day, we don’t leave the hotel until 12, then she insists we drive until midnight, ugh, unfun.”
“Anyway. This weekend I was sent to a work conference. They got me a sweet hotel room, a week at a nice resort, super excited.”
“We were going to go and leave the baby. The day before she cancels, my mom is watching to bring our child. Fills the suburban full, again. Mind you, it’s my work trip. 5 days, 5 nights.”
“Most of the stuff was just overpacking. She brought a tote of blankets. One of towels. Two of her clothes! Totes!!”
“I told her she makes it miserable (the hotel always gets cluttered and full, the night before we leave is always a mess trying to pack, and her ‘organizing’ stuff she brought that never gets used.”
“She freaked out, told me I just want to go hook up and cheat at these things (I invited her) and that she is filing for a divorce because I told her ‘your overpacking and insisting we fill every vehicle full and always being late makes me miserable’.”
“We were 3 hours late leaving to get to the conference, so I missed the networking opening night, which is where in my industry people tend to clique up afterwards to a degree.”
“I missed going to the best vendor events, etc, because she insisted that I not leave because she was overwhelmed with how messy the hotel room was.”
“Mind you, it was all the stuff she brought, took out of totes, and never used, and the toddler then destroyed.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“Yes, I am involved in raising our child. I actually packed for our trip. I had one bag for the baby to go to mom’s (toys, diapers, food, etc). A big bag and one large suitcase. I had a bag packed for wife and one for me.”
“She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was younger. Used to be on meds, stopped taking them before she met me.”
“She does have anxiety about leaving the baby with anyone but my mom. My mom raised my sisters’ kids (now 22 and 18), so she loves just being grandma to ours with babysitting, weekly visits, and some overnights.”
“As for hobbies and a couple of times, that’s not a thing. She did have hobbies, but has cut them out of her life.”
“I take baby for a walk (stroller) 45 minutes a night when I get home so she can breathe. She used to paint, and we built her a studio (she just does it for fun) so she could get back into it.”
“However her entire identity now is being ‘mom’.”
“She had postpartum. I got her an online therapy resource, but found out a few months back she never logged in and never met with someone.”
“She always says she doesn’t want to do this, then trip comes and she does it.”
“I am not a cheater. She accused me of it last time I went solo. I am exhausted. If she left me, I think I would be done with relationships; my own mental health is wrecked.”
“My boss wasn’t mad; he found the whole thing hilarious when I told him. He skipped half of the conference himself. My job wasn’t threatened, but to me it was.”
“I tried the whole packing thing for her and me. I have tried to just accept her issues, but it’s gotten worse. When we first got together, she needed a large checked bag for a 2-day trip to Las Vegas. Now she needs an entire suburb for a week’s trip.”
“One of the issues is that the vehicle is so full. If it were just the back, I might be able to deal. But it’s so full I can’t even see the side mirror. I’ve expressed how unsafe that is, and she doesn’t care, just yells that I don’t understand.”
“Yes, she comes from a hoarder background.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not in the wrong (NTA).
“NTA. Personally, I think your wife is crazypants for wanting to drive the 20+ hours both ways between San Diego and Arkansas with a 2-year-old instead of flying. I’ve made that trip twice without kids, and it was torture.”
“I feel like she’s making it harder for y’all to travel, not easier.”
“The bottom line is that she went with you on a WORK trip, made you late, accused you of wanting to cheat, and threatened to divorce you. None of those things are okay OP.” ~ No_Fix8103
“OP needed to make a stand eight years ago. This woman has been walking over him for that entire time, guaranteed.” ~ Mach5Driver
“The fact that she is impacting your job and career would be it for me. Not only did you miss events, but I can only imagine what your peers thought when you rolled in late or were seen taking the kitchen sink from your Suburban to the hotel room.”
“I also would never drive a car where I can’t see out the back window and the side windows. I literally would not back out of the driveway.”
“NTA, but you need to grow a spine and deal with this. If I were your boss, I would be extremely unhappy with you showing up late to a conference that I’m paying you to attend.” ~ Puzzled-Safe4801
“You very much remind me of my parents.”
“My mother has a major anxiety disorder that makes everyone else’s lives miserable, and my father is a massive coward and a pushover who doesn’t want to ‘rock the boat’ and lets her do whatever her anxiety-riddled brain decides is OK as long as she gets soothed, no matter how dangerous or crazy.”
“Your wife needs some help, and you need to grow a backbone, or your kid will grow up to have a similar anxiety disorder to their mother and attachment issues from you teaching them that they cannot rely on their own parents for safety.”
“You both need counseling, and your wife needs a psychiatry appointment with someone who understands postpartum. PsychologyToday has a good provider finder on their website.”
“I hope you both get the help you need and your child needs.” ~ Mysterious_Product13
“Medication. Therapy. Not letting her walk all over you because of it. Lots of us have OCD and still manage to not be jerks to our partners.”
“I have ADHD and OCD, sounds like she might too, and after a baby, hormones can make that so much worse. Never one to diagnose over the internet, but you might want to suggest couples counseling and individual therapy for each of you.” ~ Sea_Brush9110
“She’s definitely got some kind of anxiety issue going on – lots of warning signs in OP’s post. She needs some mental health assistance for sure.” ~ General_Scratch2647
“Insisting on going with the baby, overpacking, then not letting him leave the room, basically, to a work function, and then threatening divorce over the situation is… not right.” ~ rageagainsttheodds
“Dude, your wife is an emotionally abusive a**hole. You guys either need to get counseling to work through this or you need to seriously consider just divorcing her.”
“Stop inviting her on work trips. Tell her that until she learns to respect and trust you, your time, and your job, she’s not welcome to come with you. She needs to grow the hell up. Send her this post.”
“Someone who loves you wouldn’t insult you or accuse you of cheating. She is the problem, and she needs to get help for her issues instead of making you pay for the sins of her past partners.” ~ MaryEFriendly
It seems like the OP has at least a path forward.
Hopefully, he can convince his wife to travel it with him.