Every person has their own interests, priorities, and even physical interests in a partner.
Two people can think that they are aligned for marriage, but when they realize that one of their key priorities don’t align, then more than likely, the engagement will be off, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BurdenedGaze hoped to move in with his future wife, who he had a long-distance relationship with, soon, so they were planning for a wedding and buying a house in the not-too-distant future.
But when his partner spent a large portion of her savings on breast augmentation surgery instead of saving for the house, and he didn’t even like her new look, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure their relationship could continue.
He asked the sub:
“Would I be the a**hole if I left my long-distance fiancée after finding out the size of her breast enlargement in person?”
The OP and his partner planned to go from a long-distance relationship to marriage soon.
“I (30 Male) have been seeing Eliza (31 Female) for two years, and we got engaged a year ago before I moved away for a year-long job assignment.”
“I fly back every couple of weeks for a week at a time. Sometimes more, sometimes less.”
“Eliza and I had some shared goals, and one of them was saving up to purchase a house, which is why this job assignment was a good gig for me. It put me at about 50 percent of the way to my 50,000 goal towards the down payment.”
One day, Eliza surprised the OP with the news that she wanted to get plastic surgery.
“Three months ago, Eliza said she was going into surgery to get some cosmetic work done.”
“I knew she was always a little insecure about her breasts and wanted some work done, but I wasn’t aware she was doing it so soon.”
“As soon as I could take off, I came for a week and helped her recover. Eliza insisted that her mom help her with the bandages, so I didn’t really see her naked breasts, besides that they were prominent under her robe and bandages.”
“It kinda concerned me at the time, but I thought maybe it could also be swelling and inflammation.”
The OP was surprised when he could finally totally see his future wife.
“Well. A couple of days ago, I came back. Eliza and I got dinner and a hotel room to celebrate our reunion, and… she went big.”
“I’m not sure how she convinced the surgeon, but she went from, like, a B to a DD, I don’t know. They’re big. The scars are also angry and prominent, and the skin looks stretched and unnatural.”
“I asked her how much they cost, and she said an eye-watering 10,000 dollars.”
“I asked how much she has saved towards the house down payment, and she says 5,000.”
“I trusted her that she would earnestly save towards the house, and she mentioned she wanted a breast augmentation. I had no idea it would look like this or that she’d have so little money left.”
The OP wasn’t sure he was happy in the relationship anymore.
“That night, after a romp where I imagined the whole time that she had her old breasts, I came to think, I’m not happy with how this played out.”
“I don’t want to make her feel bad about her new body, but I honestly am deeply unattracted to the changes she’s made. Further, I don’t feel like we’re financially aligned.”
“I want to say my priorities have changed, and I want to move on, but would I be the a**hole? I would do my absolute best to preserve Eliza’s feelings during the breakup. She’s an awesome person, and I don’t want to hurt her.”
“WIBTAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some appreciated the way in which the OP was thinking of breaking up with his fiancée.
“I am glad that you are going to try to preserve her feelings and I like what you said about ‘my priorities have changed.’ I think that’s a nicer way to end things than ‘you’re no longer attractive to me.'” – Eastern-Opening9419
“Saying your priorities have changed really stood out to me, in a good way. It’s honest without being cruel, and acknowledges that people grow in different directions. You can end a relationship respectfully even when attraction shifts without making someone feel like they’re being punished for changing.” – Educational_Web964
“Besides being unattracted to her new chest, it sounds more like the financials have you upset. Let her down gently, but leave the breasts out of it.”
“I did a reduction and got dumped for it because they were suddenly too small, ugh. It’s traumatizing and causes body dysmorphia to be told that’s why someone you care about is leaving. Focus on the money.” – GingerTuxedoTabby
“NTA. OP is thinking with a good heart imo and there’s no good reason to compound insecurities by bringing up physical appearances.” – vladsquirrlchrst
“Nobody is the a**hole. She wanted implants, and she got them. You’re no longer attracted to her. You’re both allowed to feel the way you feel.”
“You can’t stop her from getting them, and she can’t make you like them. It’s already done. Either accept it or leave. She made her choice without consulting you, and now you get to decide for yourself whether you accept it. Nobody has to agree with the other’s decision.” – paarthurnax94
“You guys are engaged. That’s generally when people start talking really seriously and in depth about their financial situations and goals. You’re planning to purchase a house and plan a wedding, so why haven’t you two started running big-ticket purchases past each other yet?” – __lavender
Others agreed and thought how the former fiancée handled money was concerning.
“I think the red flag is that y’all are engaged and she spent a significant amount of money and got plastic surgery without the two of you discussing in detail. That doesn’t mean she needed your permission, but I’d think that is something that two who are engaged would discuss in detail before moving forward.” – Frosty_Resource_4205
“I’m all for split finances and being in charge of what you make.”
“But if there was an agreed goal for saving and a timeline set ahead of time, I feel like that’s when you’ll want to discuss big purchases as a team. Or at least your progress toward the savings goal.” – GamerGuyHeyooooooo
“This is no different than if she went away for an extended amount of time and came back and found out he spent money on a brand new car. Yes, it’s her body, but there was a goal in mind, and she should have discussed it before spending that much f**king money on tits.”
“And speaking as somebody who has Double D’s and how painful they are on a daily basis on the back and the shoulders and the body as a whole, she wasted her godd**n money.”
“Anybody who comes to me asking about boobs before they get them, I always say don’t get anything bigger than a C because you will regret it. Not only can I never find shirts or bras that I like, but the constant pain is not worth how cute they look in a low-cut top.” – SmokeOneRoll1
“NTA. To me, it’s more about where she is prioritizing her savings. You are prioritizing getting a place together, and she is prioritizing her appearance (cosmetic surgery). It sounds like she also didn’t really want you to know.”
“Over time, the scars will become less and the skin will loosen up. They will never look natural, but it just sounds like your priorities are different than hers, and it’s better to know now than to decide five years into a marriage that you have different priorities.” – Jillio_NH
“It seems to me like she was okay with him knowing, but she knew he was going to be upset with the size, so she tried to hide them as much as possible until some of the swelling went down. Swelling is really bad for the first month! It’s at its worst for like the first seven to ten days, but the whole month you are swollen, and they truly don’t even settle for six months, so they should still go down a little and move more into a natural shape.”
“But as somebody who just compromised… I think three years ago… with my husband on the size of my replacement implants, he wanted one size bigger and I wanted close to three sizes smaller! So I went with one and a half sizes smaller. Still big enough that he finds them attractive, but not so big they’re in my way anymore.”
“I get that this is only a girlfriend and her money, but you’d think she would have at least talked about her plans. Unless she knew he wasn’t going to like them, which means he must have been vocal at some point that he didn’t like really big boobs or really obviously fake implants. And yeah, some guys that like big natural boobs don’t like big implants.”
“It definitely feels like she was okay with him knowing she wanted the surgery, just not her chosen size. Also, this is usually a one-price-fits-all situation. Like a 200cc implant is the same price as a 440 CC implant! One is like a nice B and the other is well into double D! But usually one price.”
“And I’ve actually heard girls say I wanted to get my money’s worth. So I guess it’s always possible that maybe she went to book her surgery and went with a really big size because she felt it would be more worth it? Who knows!” – Background_actor412
The subReddit appreciated that the OP wanted to make this breakup more about the financial situation and having aligned priorities, rather than potentially hurting his former partner by addressing her appearance.
Clearly, they both needed to work on their communication skills if they wanted their next relationship, and eventually marriage, to work out. Understanding each other’s expectations, financial plans, and even romantic interests would have solved a lot of this.