It’s a little baffling how often extended families seem to argue about names for babies when the parents are in complete agreement.
A new mom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother-in-law protested the name for their first child.
PinkCougar05 asked:
“AITA for not letting my in-laws call my son by a different name than what my husband and I gave him?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Some back story that is relevant here, my son was born on the same day as my husband’s favorite uncle. We wanted to name our son KJ, so we decided to pick names that go with those initials.”
“We found a ‘K’ name that we loved, but couldn’t think of a ‘J’ name that would work for his middle name. Luckily my husband’s favorite uncle gave us the idea for my son’s middle name.”
“When we named my son, my MIL did not seem to care for it and kept calling him different pet names like sweetheart, buddy, baby etc. she then started calling him by his middle name because it was such a great idea by the uncle (MIL’s brother), we asked her to call him ‘KJ’ instead and she did after that, but we could tell she wasn’t happy with it.”
“Well 6 months later the favorite uncle suddenly and tragically died, everyone was devastated.”
“Soon after this time my MIL decided without asking us, she was going to call our son by his middle name to honor my husbands uncle, and told everyone in the family to call him by his middle name too since he was the one who gave us the idea, and since he was born on his birthday.”
“We asked her not to and she ignored us and told us that it’s important to honor this uncle.”
“We finally sat down with her and explained to her how disrespectful it was to us to ignore us and rename our kid while telling everyone else to call him that too, and that it needed to stop immediately.”
“She argued with us and was so mad at us, and told us that we were being selfish and disrespectful to the memory of the uncle by not letting her call him that. She said she will stop calling him by his middle name but that she will not like it.”
“I honestly don’t feel like I can trust her to keep her promise, and I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned. I do feel like she is using this as an excuse to not use the name we chose for him and is trying to manipulate us into having her way.”
“What do you think?”
The OP later added:
“We are fine with MIL and family calling our son by his actual first name too, not just KJ. We wanted to name him only KJ initially, but we decided to give him names that go with those initials so if he wanted to go by that when he was older he could.”
“We are good with either name and as he gets older he can decide. My MIL dislikes both KJ and his first name, and especially dislikes his first name so that’s why we told her just to call him KJ then, but she doesn’t want to do that either.”
“She insists that the way to honor the uncle is by having everyone call him by his middle name because that will memorialize him. She already hated his name though and wanted to change his name before he died, so it feels like an excuse to guilt us into changing his name.”
“We didn’t take issue with my MIL calling him pet names that are common like sweetheart, baby, buddy, etc… It was when she started constantly calling him by his middle name and only that, knowing it bothered us and then telling everyone else to call him that too that rubbed us the wrong way.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I want to know if others think I am an A-hole for not letting my in-laws call my son by his middle name when they claim they are just honoring the dead uncle. We asked them not to and they are mad at us for not letting them and they think we are A-holes.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA, it is ridiculous to try and get parents to change their child’s name, even if the reasons seem compelling.”
“I would simply ignore this altogether, though l might send a gentle group text reminding everyone that your child is named ( name) and that is what you will continue to call him, though you understand other peoples emotions around it.” ~ Spare_Necessary_810
“NTA, his name is what you decided it is not what she wants. Uncle called him KJ so why can’t she honor uncle by calling him KJ too. I’m petty so I’d probably start calling MIL a different name like Susan and when she gets upset explain why it’s important to call someone by the correct name.” ~ 123randomname456
“Different name…of the opposite sex.”
“If her name is Susan and she calls the kid by his middle name, just say ‘Now, Stephen, we’ve told you to either call him by his first name or call him KJ’.”
“Next time she does it, use Samuel.”
“Then Scott…maybe Samir (I think that’s a man’s name)…whatever you think up at the moment.”
“If/when she complains, tell her if she can’t get the kid’s name right, you see no reason to get hers right.”
“My sympathies to your husband on the loss of his uncle…” ~ FurBabyAuntie
“You named your son. You choose the name. Unless he has said he’s going by the middle name, no one gets to rename him for you or for him. And quite frankly it’s shocking anyone has the stance that the mother-in-law can just bully in another name.”
“We cannot seriously be against an actual mother who named her child and is asking to have her names respected.” ~ DeadpanSal
“I’m petty. Every time she would call me or send me a text or talk to me in person referring to the kid as anything other than his name I would just pretend like I didn’t hear her. I would be dead quiet on the phone. I would ignore texts. I would stare at her with a blank expression in person just to piss her off until she corrects herself.”
“Or better yet start calling her a completely different name. If her names Nancy I’d start calling her Barbara. Bonus points if you pick the name of someone she can’t stand. See how she likes it.”
But I’m that guy. I embrace conflict. It’s fun for me to make others that are in the wrong feel uncomfortable. They only do crap like this because most people don’t push back.” ~ Expensive_Candle5644
“Or do the whole ‘MIL, his name is KJ, remember? Honestly I’m getting really concerned at these memory lapses. Maybe we need to schedule a doctors appointment’ thing every single time until she sorts herself out.” ~ Aethermist88
“Worked for a friend of mine when he transitioned and his grandmother wouldn’t call him by anything but his deadname. He took her aside one day and said ‘look. Everyone sees me as a man. You’re the only person that’s calling me by a female name. That doesn’t make me look bad. It makes you look senile. You’re welcome to continue but you need to know people are starting to question if maybe these are signs of dementia.’ She stopped immediately.” ~ AzsaRaccoon
“You shared, ‘I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned’.”
“So don’t turn your back. MIL is not allowed to be alone with your child. Child stays with you at all visits, MIL is not allowed to babysit.”
“Until she lets it drop, you keep the leash short. Set your boundary and make it FIRM or she will continue to walk all over it.” ~ nightcana
“Everyone knows she will do what she wants because she already actively went around (without your permission and against your wishes) telling everyone to use the name SHE wants.”
“Call her out in front of everyone and let everyone know how disrespected you feel, and how you now can’t trust her. Put them on notice about how you and your husband feel about her boorish behavior, and that they need to use your child’s actual name.”
“YOU are the child’s parents, and not her. If anyone persists in this (including her), you will go no contact. Stand firm in this.” ~ TepHoBubba
“Exactly. And if she calls him by the wrong name, 3 months no contact. Do it again? 6 months. Again? 1 year.”
“Don’t hesitate to lay down the ban hammer. I would.” ~ DigitalMunkey
“NTA. You get to name your kid and it’s literally your job to make sure he’s respected. If grandma needs uncle to be honored she can change her own name. She doesn’t get to name other people’s babies.” ~ ramblingamblinamblin
OP and her mother-in-law can argue about this all they want. But at some point, the child is going to get the final say.
Maybe this isn’t a hill worth dying on.