Content Warning: Sexist and Misogynistic Comments, Reactive Abuse
There are people who like to make their opinions abundantly known, and there are also people who enjoy turning those opinions into arguments at every chance they get.
At some point, we have to stand up for ourselves and say that enough is enough, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ConfectionDull3312 had been hearing critical comments from his uncle ever since he came to stay with his family, and the comments often related to his “feminine” look because of his long hair.
But when he was preparing a special dinner for his girlfriend, and his uncle turned every detail of the dinner into an insult, the Original Poster (OP) finally decided it was his uncle’s turn to receive an insult.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for snapping at my uncle after he kept calling me a girl because of my hair?”
The OP was preparing a meal to care for his girlfriend.
“I (19 Male) have long, curly hair. I’ve been growing it out for a few years, and I take care of it.”
“I use conditioner, and I have leave-ins and curl creams for when I need a little more styling, as well. The brand I use has a little silhouette of a woman on it and is technically ‘for’ women.”
“Last week, my girlfriend had a really stressful week, so I cooked her dinner. My parents wouldn’t be coming home until later, so I set up candles, wrote her a card, and tried to make it nice with flowers and stuff.”
The OP’s uncle, unfortunately, had a lot to say about it.
“As I was setting up, my uncle (52 Male) came into the room. For context, he is bald and divorced, and currently living with us.”
“He looked around at the candles and said, ‘This looks like something a girl would set up.'”
“I didn’t really respond, but he followed it with, ‘You do a lot of girly stuff for a guy.'”
“He then said, ‘With all that girly hair stuff too, you’re really selling it.'”
“I told him to back off, and he laughed and said, ‘Relax, don’t be so sensitive.'”
The OP’s uncle’s comments continued to worsen until the OP spoke up.
“While I was setting up, he kept making small comments like, ‘Careful, don’t break a nail,’ and, would just randomly talk about the fact I was cooking for her and how girly that was.”
“I kept telling him he was ‘real funny’ and making it clear I was annoyed.”
“It started really getting on my nerves, and I said, ‘Why the f**k would I take relationship advice from you? You’re divorced, and you can’t talk about my hair when you’re literally f**king bald.'”
The OP was blamed for what happened.
“He got all up in my face, got p**sed immediately, and said that I crossed a line by bringing up his divorce and that I was being disrespectful.”
“We got in each other’s faces, and he was saying some stuff about not disrespecting him, and he eventually left the kitchen.”
“Later, my mom talked to me and said she gets why I was upset, but thinks I should apologize because he’s already embarrassed about his situation, and I didn’t need to make it personal.”
“She said that she didn’t want us to have issues, and I’m starting to think maybe I crossed a line and went too deep.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his uncle was just jealous.
“Your uncle is jealous that you are young, handsome, have a girlfriend, and have your whole life ahead, while here he is, all alone living at somebody else’s house. But with his attitude using ‘like as a girl’ as an insult, I am not surprised he is divorced. Your mother should talk to him about respect, not to you. NTA.” – bizianka
“NTA, OP. I have a feeling the mother knows the score, she just knows that uncle is going to whine about it and she doesn’t want to have to listen to him, so it’s easier to ask her son to leave it alone than to ask the whiny brother/BIL with literally zero self-awareness to shut up, which he’ll never do.” – Sorry_I_Guess
“OP didn’t make it personal, his uncle did. So if Mom wants them to get on, she needs to tell her brother to knock it off and be a good guest.”
“Seriously, ‘You insult MY son, in MY house, while I do you the favor of letting you stay here? Straighten your attitude before I put you back out on your a**!’ Your mom handing anything less than this back at him is an absolute tragedy. She’s doing the same, putting you lower in the household hierarchy BS that he was trying to push. She’s just putting some sugar on top to make it easier to swallow.”
“Is this a**hole even doing anything to pull his own weight around the house? It’s a wonder he managed to get married in the first place, forget the divorce.” – Normal-Height-8577
“NTA. Being a ‘girl’ or doing traditionally ‘girly’ things is not an insult. Being a good partner to your girlfriend is not an insult.”
“You don’t owe him an apology for your comments until he is ready to apologize for his comments (and even then, it’s debatable). I doubt he’s going to, so I wouldn’t worry much about making the first move on that front.” – wanderingstorm
“I hate people like your uncle. They’re annoying as f**k and love to press buttons, but LORD FORBID he gets a taste of his own medicine. NTA. If the Bald Avenger wants to talk s**t, he better be ready to get it back.” – Dependent-Section-49
“Well, I can see why he’s divorced! NTA.”
“Sounds like you did something amazing for your girlfriend, and I’m sure she really appreciates and loves that side of you. Heck, anybody would love for their partner to be that thoughtful, man or woman.”
“As for the hair, my boys love having long hair, too. My six-year-old says it’s his superpower and that he looks like Thor.”
“Your uncle sucks, and is clearly just projecting and lashing out because of how crappy his life is. No apology needed – he started it, and “it” was taking an issue with you being a better man than he ever could be.” – JBB20022902
Others agreed and believed the OP walked into his uncle’s reactive abuse trap.
“Do a Google search on ‘reactive abuse.'”
“That’s when an antagonist does their absolute best to provoke another person over a long period of time, and then when their target gets angry, pushes back, and retaliates, the antagonist gets all upset and plays the victim. Uncle AH was trying to get a rise out of you, and once he did, he turned into a whiny little b***h and tattled to your mother.”
“I would have nothing but contempt for this guy in your position. NTA.” – MizWhatsit
“I call it stabby comments. It’s nothing that is going to outright make you say something, but enough of them will. Then they have a shocked Pikachu face like they haven’t been doing anything, when you finally say something. My mum wrote the book on it.” – Onlyonehoppy
“What’s more infuriating is when everyone believes the actual villain because they ran off and told their side first. Especially when everyone else should know better.”
“If my experience is anything to go by, that dude probably turned every comment into an argument because he perceived every comment to be about his shortcomings and made everyone’s life miserable and drove his wife away because nothing she ever said was ‘good enough.'”
“In this instance, dude is so insecure and bitter about being bald and divorced that he has to take it out on a teenager and then run and tell. That’s beyond pitiful.” – Neveronlyadream
“People focus so hard on the one moment someone finally snaps and completely ignore the nonstop poking that led up to it. Dude spent the whole time needling OP and then immediately ran to play victim once he got clapped back. Classic ‘dish it out but can’t take it’ behavior. Calling that out doesn’t make OP the bad guy at all.” – Mundane-Priority-536
“Please share the concept of reactive abuse with your mother. You do not deserve to be abused by him just because he f**ked up his own life. That has nothing to do with you. He started this, and you have a right to defend yourself.”
“Your mother should be telling your uncle to suck it up and stop needling you, or find other accommodations.” – Nishikadochan
“NTA. Your uncle is a really big a**hole, being so misogynistic, it makes sense he got divorced, and you’re not supposed to attack him back after he just mocked you for ‘being sensitive’ and having long hair? He needs to learn how to respect people if he wants respect back.” – pandicarajolote_1
“Oh f**k no, do NOT apologize. Unc got what was coming to him. Just tell him to ‘Relax. Don’t be so sensitive.’”
“How is his divorce more ‘personal’ than anything he said?? You took it for a while and warned him to stop, but he’s the one who obviously crossed a line. I’m actually proud of you for standing up to him. You obviously did it well, or he wouldn’t be so pi**ed!”
“Definitely NTA.” – MarionberryOk2874
The subReddit applauded the OP for restraining himself from the earlier comments and later defending himself when the comments grew too frequent.
There is such a thing as ignoring an occasional, distasteful comment, but at some point, a person has to say that they will accept no more disrespect from family or anyone else.