Wearing all black for funerals in the United States is no longer a hard and fast rule. In most cases, just muted colors and clothing are de rigueur.
But what about hair color or jewelry?
A college student turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback about their appearance and their great grandfather’s funeral.
No-Math2211 asked:
“AITA for refusing to dye my hair a ‘natural’ color and take my face piecering out for my great grandfather’s funeral?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My great Grandfather died a couple days ago and the funeral service will be next week. I’m a senior in college and I’m taking off of work and school to go to my great grandfather’s funeral and honor his memory.”
“I live in a different state than the rest of my family, so I have to fly out there. It’s a whole expensive process to go to this funeral, but I want to be there for my grieving family and see my Pop Pop one last time.”
“My mother and older sister called me earlier today and told me that I have to either wear a hat or dye my hair a natural color AND take out all my face piecerings when I go to the service.”
“I said no, that it’s a disrespectful request to ask me to do all that.”
“Pop Pop always said he loved my hair and the way I dress. I’ve been dying my hair for the better part of a decade now.”
“I don’t look this way for attention or anything. I’ve had a long struggle with my appearance and like myself in my body and stuff. I realize I was trans and that was part of the problem.”
“It’s just I spent so long trying to enjoy how I look and it seems silly to change it for someone who KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE. And who liked it.”
“I haven’t seen my pop pop or my extended family in a couple years because I haven’t been able to travel while in college. And I’m fully independent financial wise from my family.”
“My extended family haven’t seen me since I started transitioning, is my point, and I’m already worried I’m gonna get sh*t for it.”
“I just can’t help but feel like they are embarrassed to be associated with me. My mom and my sister saw me only a couple months ago. I’m talking about my extended family.”
“It’s my family. I should show up as I am. Don’tcha think?”
“I’m gonna wear a nice outfit, but my mom was even policing that too.”
The OP later added:
“I have green hair, short.”
“I have two lip piecerings, a septum, a bridge and eyebrow piercing.”
“I just don’t think it makes sense to change my appearance. But if it’s truly disrespectful to show up to a funeral looking the way I do, I will do it.”
“I’ve never been to a funeral, but it just seems like a stupid request.”
“I feel like, especially for a funeral, my family should take me as I am.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I refused to dye my hair a natural color and take my piecerings out because I think it’s a stupid and disrespectful request on my mom’s part.”
“But I don’t want to be the loud trans person at the funeral. WIBTA if I showed up to the funeral as I am?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not and would be the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Tell them, ‘I’ll be there looking exactly how pop pop loved and knew me’.”
“I’ll never forget the time my Papa (maternal grandfather) defended me when his wife (not my grandmother who died when I was a baby, but a woman he married when I was a preteen) laid into me about my piercings.”
“He told her, ‘if she doesn’t want them anymore one day she can take them out and have them surgically fixed like you did with your droopy earlobes!’.”
“Wore them all to his funeral, and a few years later to hers, because f*ck her.” ~ KittenVicious
“NTA: as you said, your Pop Pop knew what you looked like. Green hair and face piercings don’t preclude dressing appropriately for the funeral—if it’s held someplace like a church, or if the deceased requested people wear a certain color, etc…” ~ Marillenbaum
“I think you can be who you are but a less amped up version of who you are, if that makes sense. My husband is a heavy metal rock singer and his usual look expresses that. At family events like holidays or weddings he tones it down.”
“He can put on khaki pants and a button down shirt or a suit and tie to show respect for the occasion. He doesn’t feel it takes away from who he is to dress for the occasion.”
“A funeral is a somber event. Mourners usually dress less joyfully, with the intent to not draw attention. Removing some or all of your faces piercings will make it less about you.” ~ Metoocka
“Dressing somberly and taking out the more showy piercings or putting in plugs makes sense. Dying your hair, not so much. Two things can be true at once. 1. Your grandfather was okay with how you dressed. 2. It’s not going to be appropriate or welcomed by his other family members at his funeral.”
“Toning your look down without completely removing your identity is an easy way to be both respectful and avoid drama. If drama happens after you try to be more mindful of everyone’s feelings, then that isn’t on you.”
“You’ll be able to know you tried to be an adult and bend a little to accommodate others, something we’ve all had to do to keep the peace. If your compromise doesn’t work, the rest of the family can go kick rocks.” ~ invisibleconstructs
“I’m biased as a fellow piercing/body mod person, but changing out all piercings for a funeral feels wild to me. I’ve been to many traditional funerals, I always focus on making sure I look clean, presentable and modestly dressed.”
“Changing out all my facial piercings to spacers would take a chunk of time and probably be stressful while I’m grieving/preparing to comfort those who are. With my ‘not exactly fine’ motor skills it would likely take an hour to remove jewelry and switch to spacers or something.” ~ gigglesandglamour
“Dressing appropriately for the occasion is important. I don’t take my piercings out but I braid my weird coloured hair into a conventional style, cover up my tattoos, and wear beige and grey when the occasion demands it.” ~ unlovelyladybartleby
“Amping up the formality or normie-ness of clothing can help counteract the piercings and hair. Blazer, collared shirt, maybe necktie will appear formal and respectful if piercings are left in.”
“And just to address it… I’m a very femme cis woman and I consider a blazer, dress shirt, tie to be a gender-neutral outfit that looks appropriate on anyone, and something that I myself have worn to formal occasions.” ~ elle-elle-tee
“I’m a fairly conservative baby boomer. That being said, I don’t personally see how your short green hair or facial piercings are disrespectful to your deceased great-grandfather. You say that he loved your hair. Celebrate him!” ~ Striking_Physics1894
“NTA. It was, indeed, rude for them to even ask.” ~ Flat-Replacement4828
“NTA. If you’re great grand father was okay with your appearance, then you’re okay. He wouldn’t want you to change yourself.” ~ RandomModder05
“NTA. Be yourself, learn about grey rocking, and learn the power of ‘I’m not having this conversation’ and walking away/hanging up.” ~ GregTheTerrible
“NTA, go as you are, pay your respects, and turn away from those making a scene. It becomes about them. Unless you think your mom can force the funeral home to gatekeep you out. Best of luck.” ~ Mathamagician77
“NTA, you’re there to honor him. Sounds like you two had a good relationship. He told you he liked the way you look, if it was when you were wearing accessories and had your hair dyed… then why change that ‘for him’ after he’s gone?
“I’m not a fan of saying the deceased would have wanted this or that, but when he was alive, he wanted you just the way you are. Don’t change to suit someone else’s idea of ‘acceptable’ when you were more than acceptable to him.” ~ JasminJaded
“NTA. Seems like PopPop loved you as you are, and would probably have some strong feelings about him being used as an emotional bludgeon to get you to change your looks.”
“Show up as you are. That’s the best way to pay respects to a man who loved you as you are. It’s just unfortunate some of your other family can’t be as awesome as your great-grandfather was.” ~ Reddit
“Hard no. NTA. It is about honoring your PopPop, who liked it. It is not about your mother and sister. Their feelings are for them to manage.” ~ GnomieOk4136
“NTA. I’m a priest. Trust me: people come to funerals looking all kinds of ways. The way to be respectful at a funeral is to honour the deceased and to do so with a generous spirit. That’s all that’s required.” ~ the-william
OP is the only one who has to live with any changes they make to their appearance.
The best thing to do is only change what they want to change.