Some of us feel really loved when we realize someone has thought of us and made arrangements to surprise us with a special gift or celebration.
But others of us really do not like to be surprised, period, and that is okay, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor OkImpression9915 knew that their husband didn't like surprises much, but because he was coming up on his fortieth birthday, it felt like a big milestone, so they wanted to put together a special surprise for him.
But when he found out, he was so upset about the surprise arrangement that he had the Original Poster (OP) completely cancel all the plans they'd arranged.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for planning my husband's surprise 40th birthday celebration, which he then made me cancel last-minute?"
The OP wanted to throw a party for their husband's birthday that would create lasting memories.
"To preface this, my husband's bachelor party a few years back was ruined because his brother did a s**tty job planning it (old rundown party bus, a school bus in fact, hot liquor, no ice, no cups, and randoms that weren't even invited to the wedding showed up)."
"I said to myself, for his 40th birthday, I was going to make it up to him."
"So here we are, he's turning 40 next week, and I decided a few weeks ago to plan something for him this weekend, since for his actual birthday, we will be in Mexico for vacation already."
"I thought this would be a gathering for family, not just the two of us. I got a limo, a bottle of his favorite bourbon engraved with a sweet message from us, an ice bucket with champagne bottles, some lite bites for the car ride, and a limo to take us to a restaurant."
But the OP's husband was not up for a surprise.
"He is a firefighter and works a lot of odd and sometimes back-to-back hours, so today, being aware of that, I made sure he got to sleep and rest and had breakfast for him waiting and lunch for him for when he woke up."
"I bought a new outfit for him to wear so it would be one less thing to think about, and a fancy watch as his birthday gift."
"Well, before he could change into his nice outfit, he asked me where we were going, and after I insisted it was a surprise, he said, 'I don't like surprises. Tell me right now where we are going.'"
"I explained the plan, and he got furious. He said that's not something he likes; he wants it to just be me and him. Since the bachelor party, he doesn't like elaborate surprises."
"I explained that this would make him forget that day and that I had everything planned."
"He went on and on about how bad the idea was, how inconsiderate I am, and how I don't know him and am off with timing."
"He hasn't seen the champagne bottles, or the engraved bourbon bottle, or the lite bites, or the watch, or the outfit, or the balloons I have stashed in a trash bag to put them in the limo when it arrives. He doesn't want any of it, though."
The OP was surprised by their husband's reaction.
"He is tired and is a low-key person, but I thought I planned everything well enough that it would just be slightly more special than any other birthday, and he would still be able to enjoy it. Not a lot of people, just five to be exact."
"Am I the a**hole? Should I have just let him be? Or in the anger, did he just mess something up that would've been great?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that if they were married, the OP should have understood how problematic the surprise element could be for their partner.
"YTA. 'I don't like surprises.' You've been married for a few years, so you should know this about him by now."
"And the way you describe everything, it sure seems like most of the focus was on you." - houseonpost
"Did he actually like the surprise, or did he go along just to try not hurt your feelings? Perhaps the best celebration in his mind would have been a quiet and peaceful evening for you guys."
"I hate surprises, hate attention, and hate being celebrated. And my friends know this. And the one time someone tried to throw me a party, the rest of my friends told them it wouldn't go well." - U_DontKnowMe
"I think you meant well, but YTA. I've done surprises before, but I gave the person a vague idea of what was happening. "Save Saturday evening, your family and I have plans for you." Birthdays are supposed to be for the birthday person, not the planner." - IHaveBoxerDogs
"This would annoy me if I were in his shoes. He expected a date, because that's what you told him. He was likely looking forward to some one-on-one time with you. And then he got completely blindsided by a group event."
"YTA. You set him up for disappointment by giving him an expectation and not meeting it." - civilwar142pa
"Why did you make this a group event, and why did you invite your sister and her husband to your husband's birthday? Is he especially close with them? Not only have you surprised him with a group event, but you've invited more of 'your' people than you did of his." - SudburySonofab***h
"Did HE say that's what HE wanted for HIS birthday celebration? I can't come to any other conclusion than that he HAS said he doesn't want a surprise, and you took it as a challenge to make the surprise so good that he would forget the bachelor party thing. YTA." - Spiky_Pineapple_2841
"But he is low-key, and you told him you were going on a date. Then you turned it into a group thing. Do you think he might just want low-key time with his wife, not other people?"
"He doesn't like surprises, and he hated the bachelor party bus, so you thought it was a good idea to recreate a low-key redo of something he hated? Why? What's the logic there?"
"My husband does this, he does what he THINKS I want instead of asking what I want or listening to what I have said. You may not have meant any harm, but YTA for not listening to your husband and promising him a date, and then doing a bait and switch, turning it into an activity he has to 'be on' for other people. I would be p**sed too if I were in your husband's shoes."
"40 is a milestone birthday and also a hard one for a lot of people as it is the beginning of middle age. It feels different from, say, 30. Instead of checking in with him, you made it about how you felt and planned something more for you than him."
"It doesn't matter if he is close with your sister or not; that doesn't mean he wants her there on what he THINKS is a nice, intimate date with his wife on HIS birthday. No offense, but it's HIS birthday, the one day HE should have a say in what HE wants to do."
"NTA for the sentiment, but YTA for not giving him a choice on what he wanted to do for this milestone birthday." - chaosrulz0310
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP took all of the decision-making power away from their husband, right down to the outfit he was expected to wear.
"Old boy was overstimulated. Even his outfit wasnt his idea. YTA." - YeshuasBananHammock
"I can't imagine my wife buying me an outfit and saying, 'Here dress in this, honey.' What I put on my body is always a personal thing to me." - BeanieMcChimp
"Maybe his time alone with you is just what he needed."
"Now he needs to ramp himself up and put on a show he didn't sign up for. Chat with people for hours, thank them so much, laugh at all the right times, and at the end of the night, thank everyone who showed up, and then deal with you."
"Maybe he needed a rest and just wanted you and some ice cream cake." - Anthem-ringthebells
"He thought he and his wife were going on a date together, only to find out she'd got people waiting at the restaurant, a limo hired, and a bunch of fancy stuff organised... and when he said he wanted to just be the two of them, like he expected, she insisted he wouldn't want that."
"He has a right to be upset that she's ignoring what he's saying and that she planned a mini party when she said it was just the two of them on a date." - agrinwithoutacat
"I don't understand how this is confusing. He works a stressful job, he doesn't like surprises, and her 'treat' was a series of surprises, including a complete change of the plans from what you'd been told (a dinner with just you and your spouse turns out to be a party)." - ThatInAHat
"You don't have to intend harm to do harm. It's a YTA because she intentionally did something she knew he didn't like despite it being for him."
"OP, I completely understand your partner's situation because I'm very much like him from the little bit you explained. I don't like surprises like this in the slightest, and if you had sprung something like this on me for my birthday, I would not have enjoyed it."
"This may be tough to hear for some and some to understand, but it doesn't mean I don't like being celebrated AT ALL. It just means that type of surprise celebration isn't for me. For me, low-key means just the two of us (me and my partner), and yes, sometimes, but way more rarely, I enjoy high-key. High Key means for me what you tried to do."
"You need to calibrate yourself on his perspective. What you called low-key is high-key for him. And yes, it's difficult to predict, but that's why you could have tried to tease that info from him months ago, or just decided not do a surprise and just asked him what he wanted for his birthday. That's what I'd have appreciated as the person being celebrated, so there's no confusion."
"You said, 'He's low-key, and the fact that it was just the siblings was low-key.'"
"I wanna also drill on this. You're passing your perspective off as a fact here. That's where you're going wrong."
"Going to a restaurant is a basic fact. Being with the siblings is a basic fact. But calling being with them low-key is a matter of perspective. For you, that's low-key. For him, it sounds like it is NOT, based on his feedback you reported (and that may change with context)." - pengouin85
"You say he's a low-key person, and yet you planned something that's anything but low-key."
"I think he could have handled his reaction better, but I get why he was frustrated. I don't know this man, but from how you describe him Im positive he has never given you the slightest indication he would enjoy this type of party."
"I'm not sure you're an A H because I think your intentions were good. However, your actions showed either a lack of understanding of who your husband is as a person or a willingness to use his events for your own entertainment."
"Parties should be planned with the person being celebrated's likes and dislikes in mind. I don't think you did that. I think you had a vision of redoing the bachelor party and you never stopped to think about whether that was something he wanted." - throwAWweddingwoe
While the subReddit could understand that the OP might have meant well and wanted to swap out a negative experience for a good one, this didn't change what their husband actually wanted for his birthday, which was a quiet evening with his partner.
When it comes to birthdays, it's really better to check in with the birthday person to see what they would want, and also consider what makes them feel the most loved.
When we decide what we think they should want, it just sets everyone up for disappointment.
