Most of us carry opinions with us about the best ways to live our lives, and we might even have a thought or two about how others are living their own.
It's when we share those unsolicited thoughts, and wrap them up in morals and religion, that they really become a problem, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
A Redditor, who has since deleted her account, called her parents to share the great news that she and her boyfriend were expecting their first child and were incredibly excited.
When her mother instead sent her a series of hateful texts, wishing her to one thousand h**ls for her behavior, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to close this chapter with her parents and start a fresh one with her boyfriend and baby.
She asked the sub:
"Was I overreacting by cutting my overzealous, religious mom off when she freaked out because I am pregnant?"
The OP received hurtful messages from her mother upon revealing that she was pregnant.
Her mom texted:
"This is shameful and shocking news. Lord, forgive her, for she knows not what she does."
"1 Thessalonians 4:3: 'It is God's will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality.'"
"As above, fornication is a sin, and we did NOT raise you to throw away your life like this."
"We tried SO hard to steer you down the right path, and then you let liberalism take over."
"Your father will be hearing about this."
The OP was over it:
"You know what? F**k you. I am not a child anymore, mom. I am no longer the spineless little girl who was once too scared to even tell her parents she was on her period."
"[Boyfriend's name] and I love each other. We don't care how you feel [or] how dad feels."
"I'll kick you out of our lives if it means we are happy and my baby is healthy."
"I called you, thinking you'd be happy, but I thought wrong, huh?"
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Her mom lashed out:
"You will not talk to me like that."
"I curse you! I curse you to a thousand hells."
"I refuse to be a willful participant in all that is ungodly and unholy. I therefore wash my hands of the situation."
The OP ended the conversation:
"I am so over this."
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The OP then proceeded to block her parents.
"I blocked her since this conversation, and I preemptively blocked my dad bc he's just as crazy."
"If you've ever seen 'Carrie,' I basically have a mom like that (maybe not as bad, but you get what I mean)."
"My parents both grew up as strict Christians in strict Christian households in Arkansas (they'd moved to New Hampshire by the time they had me), and they never grew out of it."
"Honestly, I don't care if I lose them both. I have a bundle of joy on the way and a loving partner."
"Besides… I'm an adult, and it's about time I start taking control of my own life."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were disgusted by how the OP's mother hid behind her "religion."
"The irony of her refusing to participate in anything unholy, all while cursing you to a thousand h**ls." - cruddypoet00
"Too many people use religion to be abusive. Nowhere in the Bible does it say pray for your children's demise. Nowhere in the Bible does it say use prayer for retribution. People twisted it so much. It's f**king horrible." - Healthy-Grape-777
"Praying for bad things to happen is not Christianity. That's like some kind of weird, malicious superstition. (It's also a horrific thing for a parent to say, so I'm sorry that you had to endure that )"
"As a Catholic myself, I just had to mention there's nothing Christlike about that kind of prayer and that there are many ways to try to become closer to the divine, and the God I believe in is present in all of them." - LiteraryOlive
"An actual Christian does not believe humans have the ability to curse someone else, and they also don't believe in a thousand hells. She's just making it up and calling it religion." - MollyRolls
"See, I would have told her that I did know what I was doing and I had fun doing it!"
"My mom told me I was a sinner because I was having premarital sex. I told her it wasn't premarital sex, if I didn't plan on marrying them!"
"I am NOT my religious mother's favorite child..." - Worried_Necessary157
"Wait until the next part, where, a few months or years from now, she wants to be part of the child's life to 'save' them."
"There will be a pathetic excuse for an apology, begrudging fake pleasantries, all to get right back to cursing you to 1,000 hells (Even though their precious Bible says, 'judge not lest you be judged,' and many other accounts of God basically saying you have no power to judge anyone because you're all equally sinful)."
"As a fellow Hell-bound child of uber-Christians, I can say my life is 1,000-fold happier free from that false-Christian crap. 12 years away next June and never looked back." - ShadowBox_Fox
"Tell your mom to go back and reread The Book of John, chapter eight, verses one through eleven."
"It's about a woman who was an adulterer, and the townspeople wanted her to be stoned to death, and Jesus stepped in and basically said okay. Whoever among you is without sin may cast the first stone. What do you know? No one threw a stone."
"From us REAL Christians, your mom isn't one. You cannot judge and have a holier-than-thou attitude. Jesus hung out with the homeless. The 'lesser' part of man."
"She needs to get the f**k out of her glass house." - Wicked-elixir
"I'll say it with my whole chest: a lot of mentally ill people are using religious imagery to hide and mask the fact that they are bugf**k crazy as s**t. And whenever anyone points out how bugf**k crazy they are, they use scripture to shield themselves from accountability and refuse to seek real treatment." - akestral
Others found the mom's comments to be ridiculous and immature.
"I'm sorry, but I literally laughed out loud at, 'Your father will be hearing about this.' Are you 12? Will he ground you? Take away your iPad?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sure this is hard, even if you expected it on some level. But good for you for protecting yourself, your baby, and the life you are building now. Definitely NOR."
"And congrats to you and your guy." - GenoFlower
"My mom used to actually leave for a few days and act like she was never coming back, and then eventually would. It destroyed me as a kid, but yes, as an adult, she lost all her power."
"We are no contact now because she couldn't deal with the boundaries I put up, and no longer had her threats to throw at me. Sorry I'm not a scared little kid anymore; please go ahead and leave." - InterestingTry5190
"I completely understand what you're going through, OP. NOR."
"My mother wasn't a religious nutjob, but she was very dramatic about all sorts of s**t, including threatening to kill herself over it."
"I was in my late 20s when she did her latest, 'I'm such a s**tty mother; I should just kill myself.'"
"Something in me just was done with her **t, instead of trying to placate her, I said as coldly as possible, 'Please do, it'd save me a lot of headaches and not having to clean up your s**t.'"
"She gave me the silent treatment for a few days after that, which was quite peaceful, then unfortunately, she started talking to me again. I wish I realized I could have cut her off with the rest of her relatives, but now I'm stuck with her leeching a** because I'm not evil enough to let her die in a ditch." - LadyReika
"I'm sorry. Oftentimes, when a parent is not informed of their kids' choices or is not in the loop as much as they should be, they ought to look inwards because they are and were the parent."
"My mum will pray daily to God for my health (severely physically ill for years), yet I have received the emotional support the size of an atom. Praying for hours is all well and good, do it, I don't care, but do they not realise the immense sin they are doing by not being there for their kids and being supportive in reality, where it actively matters more in those moments."
"I feel like many religious people think being religious means being all in with praying and patience (even that is on a surface level a lot of the time) only, but they neglect the basics of most religions, which is to be considerate and kind in your character, speech, and relationships." - Wild_Commission1928
"NOR. This actually feels scary, and I'd be scared to let my child around someone who speaks like this."
"I wouldn't be surprised if OP has CPS and cops showing up all the time to do well-fair checks on her mother's "grandchild" and then try to take custody away from OP."
"They won't win, but people suffering from psychosis do irrational sh*t all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if she tried this stunt."
"If I were OP, I'd make sure my mother never has my address or phone number ever again. For my child's safety and well-being. Don't want 'grandma' showing up randomly demanding to see their grandchild." - UncFest3r
The subReddit did not appreciate how the OP's mother spoke to her about her pregnancy, her baby, and her life, and they were grateful that the OP made the decision to go their separate ways.
Family might be family biologically, but when they resort to hateful comments and wishing someone to a darker place, they really shouldn't have a place in our lives anymore.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp