Content Warning: Mentions of Abusive Relationships and Negging
Not all relationships are created equal, and that’s also true for toxic and abusive relationships.
Some people won’t realize how bad a relationship they’re in for a long time, because it doesn’t look like the typical representations of abuse and toxicity.
A “popular” feature that people struggle to catch on to is negging, a combination of backhanded compliments and insults disguised as jokes, meant to tear a romantic partner down over time, pointed out members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor lyss_uhh had been with her boyfriend for a while, and one more time, when he repeatedly woke her from sleeping to comment on the state of their mattress, her weight, and allude to her being the cause of the mattress breakdown, she realized how often he made comments like this.
Also realizing that he was wrong in his evaluation of her, the Original Poster (OP) decided to end the relationship before the comments could continue.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for getting upset because my boyfriend kept waking me up and then making upsetting comments?”
The OP’s boyfriend repeatedly woke her up and messed with her sleep.
“I (26 Female) was sleeping over at my boyfriend’s (32 Male) place and woke up this morning.”
“This morning wasn’t the best in general because I woke up with severe menstrual cramps.”
“At around 10 AM, he started tapping my shoulder and asking if I needed to get up and go to the bathroom or drink water. I woke up a bit and said no and closed back off.”
“Then he kept bothering me, telling me that I should wake up because it was getting late. I told him I had cramps and wanted to sleep in a little longer.”
“Mind you, he was still in bed, too, and I wasn’t keeping us from going anywhere.”
Then the OP’s boyfriend started making comments on her weight.
“He kept bothering me after that. I finally asked what his problem was, and he said it was nothing, just that his back hurt and he needed room to stretch out. He’s 6’4, and I’m 5’9.”
“I said okay, still annoyed, and then went to the bathroom. I came back, and he was sprawled across the bed.”
“I asked him to scoot over, and he agreed but then asked me to give him a back massage. I got upset and left to sit on a chair instead.”
“He then sprawled across the bed and said that he needed to get a new mattress because my ‘side of the bed is deformed and dented in.'”
The OP felt conflicted about how her boyfriend was treating her.
“He’s made ‘jokes’ about my weight before (I weigh 178 pounds, and he weighs 170). He never explicitly said that it’s because I weigh too much, but he strongly implied it.”
“This hurt my feelings, and I’ve been pretty upset and crying all day.”
“I just feel like he doesn’t respect me in general or care about the fact that I’m not feeling well. Am I overreacting here, or is this… bad?”
The OP continued to think of more ways that her boyfriend had mistreated her.
“Also, in case it matters, I found out a month ago that I have sub-hypothyroidism, and my doctor thinks that’s why I have gained 15 pounds in the last four months and have really heavy and painful periods. Other than that, my doctor said I was completely healthy and just needed to fix the hormonal imbalance. I’ve been on meds lately, and my weight has gone down about one pound per week so far. My boyfriend knows all of this and still comments on my weight.”
“There was also a chocolate festival in the neighboring town today: free chocolate tastings and fun stuff. I asked if he wanted to go, and he said, ‘That doesn’t sound very healthy,’ while he ate Oreos and a protein shake for breakfast… I think he equates being skinny with being healthy.”
“I honestly had zero insecurities until I met him a year ago; even now, I usually get compliments from strangers when I’m out and about. I’ve started to think that he’s been intentionally trying to wear me down.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was not overreacting about her boyfriend’s bad jokes and harmful commentary.
“NOR. In fact, you’re under-reacting imo. This wasn’t a misunderstanding or a bad joke.”
“It was repeated disrespect while you were vulnerable, capped with a passive-aggressive body dig. If this is how he treats you when you’re in pain, believe the pattern.” – ProlapsedMonday
“NOR. Just the fact that you have to state your weight and his weight to show that it appears that you think you are obviously heavier than him tells me that he’s already affected your self-esteem.”
“By the way, 178 for a five-foot-nine woman is fine.”
“He sounds very passive-aggressive. Moaning and groaning, and insisting you get up very possibly just so that he could make that crude remark about the dent in the mattress would be all I would need to say, ‘See you later,’ and then be gone for good.” – Justyermom
“NOR. I’m also 5’9 and am around your weight. My partner is 6’7 and around 240.”
“He says, your partner is a pathetic little b***h who doesn’t appreciate you.”
“I’ve been with men who take their insecurities out on me. This man-child is negging you, and it’s working. Drop the 170-pound energy vampire. Being alone has to be better than being with an unsupportive man.”
“He’s also messing with your stress levels, your rest, AND your sleep schedule, all of which will make your medical situation worse. I bet you’ll feel a lot better, FAST, in your mind AND body after you ditch this guy.” – randomdude221221
“NOR.”
“He’s showing AND telling you with his words AND actions what kind of guy he is.”
“SPOILER: a s**tty one.”
“You’re allowed to stand up from the table when respect is no longer being served, OP. I would look for an exit plan on that relationship as soon as possible.” – copypop
“NOR. Read what you just said. Does this sound like a good partner to you? Do you think you should be feeling this way with someone who truly loves you?”
“Your partner should make you feel safe and loved. That is what someone who truly loves you should make you feel.” – smoked_parzival
Others agreed and hoped that the OP would end things before her boyfriend treated her worse.
“The good news is you don’t live together.”
“Honestly, if it were me, and I meant to break up with him, I’d probably tell him not to contact me again because he’s a selfish, immature brat, and then mute him everywhere.”
“Not block, just in case he gets crazy. But yeah…. Be done with that s**t. Never speak to him again if you can avoid it. We have one life, girl. Don’t waste it on people like him.” – Revolutionary_Wrap76
“Dump that jerk. A partner, or even a friend, lifts you up, not puts you down. He’s being passive-aggressive and is insecure.” – Ok_Math_1099
“I’m sorry to say this, but he’s going to continue trying to tear you down. You didn’t have any insecurities until you met him, so that tells you a lot right there.”
“He is not the person for you. He’s not going to get any better. He will always be an a**hole.” – Suspicious_Dark3251
“Hypothyroidism is also closely linked to depression, just FYI. Living in a hyper- or hypo-thyroid state is miserable, and it makes it difficult to see the world and yourself clearly. You’re probably retaining a s**tload of water.”
“Anytime I’m hypo, I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognize my face because it changes so much from the water bloat. Thyroid issues f**k with your brain much more than people think.”
“It’s also SUPER dependent on stress levels. I wouldn’t be surprised if your condition significantly improves after leaving this guy.” – BohemianHibiscus
“NOR. What value does he add to your life?”
“It sounds to me like you need a new boyfriend, one who will respect you and support you as you are on your journey to get your hormonal balance righted.”
“One who will bring you a heating pad and some Ibuprofen when you stay in bed late with your period, a guy who will make you feel good about yourself, not insecure.”
“A guy who will say, ‘A chocolate festival? Sounds like a lot of fun, let’s go!'”
“OP, you deserve to be respected. You deserve to be happy.” – Provers21-3
After receiving feedback, the OP felt reassured and shared an update.
“Thank you all for your comments.”
“I went out with one of my best friends a few days ago and was telling her about the issues in my relationships. And she said that she thinks I’m in a cycle of emotional abuse.”
“I think so, too. When he was doing all of this, it was like, I don’t know, seeing everything without wool over my eyes. That’s the underlying reason for me being upset.”
“While we were hanging out, she reminded me that I am indeed pretty, hot, and that people would ‘kill for my body type’ (her words). She also said that I might be developing/have body dysmorphia. She also showed me some photos that she took of me in December on our girls’ trip which made me kinda feel better.”
“After looking at all of your comments, I broke up with him yesterday morning.”
“He seemed really… surprised? And sad. He said he was just ‘worried about my health’ and that he doesn’t understand why I’d think he didn’t like me because of my weight.”
“There were a bunch of other things leading up to this, as well. He also said a bunch of other stuff and more or less begged me not to end things.”
It was obvious to everyone else that this boyfriend was bad news, and everyone expressed relief when the OP woke up to his comments, literally, and broke up with him.
Since he seemed to be so eager for her to lose some weight, the fastest way was to dump 170 pounds of it. That should do the trick.