When someone gives someone a gift, there are usually no strings attached.
Usually…
Not in this case, though.
Some gift givers feel like they have a say in how a gift is utilized.
This doesn’t always sit well with the person receiving the gift.
Redditor Known_Occasion_2041 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for dyeing the sweater my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] knitted for me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) offered to make me a sweater.”
“I am also a knitter, and I understand the time and effort that goes into a project.”
“I said yes, but asked if I could pick out the color, and also said I would happily pay for the yarn.”
“She declined and said she wanted it as an excuse to use up her stash. “
“She is a big-time ‘tee-hee, I have a stash beyond life expectancy!’ type.”
“She finished the sweater for me, and it fit great, but was in a beige color that I would never wear.”
“I’m a soft autumn who favors plums, roses, terra cottas, olives, etc.”
“I don’t like plain colors very much.”
“But I loved the look of the sweater, so I ended up dyeing it to a pretty green.”
“I reach for it all the time.”
“I wore it when I was hanging out with family, and she was there.”
“She said it looked like the one she’d made me.”
“I said that it was, but I’d dyed it.”
“She stared at me for a long time and finally said, “I wish you had told me you were going to do something like that. I wouldn’t have wasted my Malabrigo on you.’”
“I was taken aback and told her that I absolutely loved the sweater, I just would have never worn it as a beige sweater.”
“She got the sour lemon look on her face and said she would keep in mind to never knit anything for me ever again.”
“She got up and left the room, and I didn’t talk to her the rest of the night.”
“I live in a different city from my family, so I probably won’t see her again for a while.”
“She has every right to not knit for me again, but was dyeing that sweater really that big of a deal?”
“I thought it would be better for me to dye it a color I would wear than for me to never wear it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Hi. Knitter and yarn snob here.”
“NTA, and you can tell her Malabrigo is not that special, and she should have listened to you about the color in the first place.” ~ RhubarbSkein
“Very torn on this one because while I always check patterns and colors with knit giftees.”
“I do know Malabrigo is a big deal to a lot of people.”
“Like it’s $20+ a skein and usually hand-painted, isn’t it?”
“I think OP has every right to dye her sweater to a colour she loves, but I would also be a little taken aback if someone overdyes one of the precious and limited yarns in my stash.”
“As I wouldn’t be mad, but I’d have to unpack my feelings on that one privately, and it might be a while before I knit for them again.
“And for folks who don’t have stashes, it’s not extra yarn you don’t want (usually), it’s often precious, rare, favourite, or expensive yarn that you’ve been saving for a special occasion.”
“In a similar way, when my dad proposed to his wife, we designed the engagement ring.”
“Her first husband gave her a large diamond and rubies, so my dad got her a smaller but extremely high-quality diamond set to look like a flower with good-quality emeralds as leaves and emerald chips on the band.”
“He (and I, as a sidekick) put time and care into that, we studied gemstones, we spoke to jewelers.”
“At some point during their marriage, my stepmother had the emeralds replaced with diamonds, all of them.”
“She likes it better, and she’s allowed to have a ring she likes, but it hurt my dad’s feelings. He said once, ‘The best gift I could give her wasn’t good enough.'”
“So, NAH. OP is allowed to have a sweater she loves and do whatever she wants with the gift she was given.”
“The knitter is allowed to feel a little taken aback, and like her gift wasn’t good enough.” ~ Arienna
“NTA. She specifically said she was ‘Using up her stash.'”
“This implies she was using yarn she wanted to get rid of, and the color was secondary.” ~ nonamejohnsonmore
“NTA. She used non-dyed Malabrigo.”
“Now, I love working with Malabrigo; it is soft and lovely, but it also dyes so beautifully.
“SO… you dyed it.”
“You turned a sweater you liked the pattern on into something you love, and she made it.”
“What is the problem?”
“Now, if you requested that color and then dyed it, maybe there would be something to complain about, but even then, you are still wearing it; she STILL made it and still used her stash.”
“Also, I am a knitter.”
“I love using a lot of different yarns and often use Malabrigo.”
“But hands down, NTA.” ~ JGalKnit
“I’m a huge knitter and crafter.”
“I’d be so happy if someone dyed a sweater I knitted into something they liked! It’s way better than never wearing it, donating it, or throwing it away.”
“Why is she mad if she got to use her stash yarn?”
“She needs to chill out.” ~ piratemeow21
“Not a knitter, crocheter here… NTA.”
“I would never make a sweater for someone without getting input on the color first, even if I’m using yarn out of my stash.”
“I want my gifts to be used, not shoved in the back of a closet to never be used.” ~ False_Adeptness1541
“NAH. When you asked to pick the color and pay for the yarn from the beginning, that should have been a sign to her that you’re a wee bit picky (I do not mean that with any negative connotation; there is nothing wrong with having preferences).”
“The smart thing for her to have done would have been to ask you if you liked the beige color from the beginning or given you choices from her ‘stash.'”
“I get that she probably wanted to surprise you, and that she wanted to use high-quality materials for you out of love; pero like, don’t you want the people who receive your presents to use them?”
“I don’t know anything about color analysis beyond recognizing that’s what ‘warm autumn’ was referring to.”
“But I know that some people just can’t wear certain colors without looking sickly or naked.”
“I can’t wear most yellows, if I do, I literally get asked, do you feel okay?’ by everyone.”
“It’s a thing.”
“You took a generous present and made sure you could use it.”
“I guess you could have given her a heads up.”
“But not doing so doesn’t make you an a**hole about it.”
“Apologize for the misunderstanding (not the behavior).”
“Reaffirm to her that you adore the sweater: the craftsmanship, fit, pattern choice, all of it, AND you wanted it to be something you could wear often, not just when you have a tan, because beige washes you out (or whatever the explanation is).”
“You dyed it BECAUSE you loved it so much.”
“If you didn’t actually like it, you would have left it beige and only worn it when you were going to see her. You appreciate and completely understand the amount of love and work she put into it.”
“You’re so so sorry for unintentionally hurting her feelings–just because it was unintentional, doesn’t mean the hurt isn’t real.”
“What can you two do together to reconcile, because you were excited to have another knitter in the family and a way to bond with her?”
“You can even offer to knit her a sweater in return or set up recurring virtual girls’ nights where you knit together. etc.” ~ BadgerNo4726
“NTA. She presented the gift as an opportunity to use up old wool, and you dyed it in a color that appealed to you.”
“No reasonable person would dictate how to enjoy a gift.”
“It’s like insisting someone eat a cake with only coffee rather than a tea they love.” ~ thebiggestgouda
“NTA. I don’t knit, but I sew.”
“When I ‘use up my stash’ on a project, I make sure it fits the person for whom I am making it.”
“Your sister-in-law kinda sucks for her sulking.”
“At least you do have a great sweater that now works for you.” ~ SpicyPorkWontonnnn
“Agreed. She also sucks for not checking on colour preferences before she started.”
“Even as a stash-buster project, you need to be sure someone will like what you’re making – and all the more so if they’ve actually asked about picking out a color!” ~ Normal-Height-8577
“NTA. As a knitter, if I offer to knit something for someone, I ask them what they want and what color they prefer.”
“If I’m making a gift for someone and they don’t know about it, I might use my stash, especially if I know what they like and I just happen to have it ‘in stock’, but I recognise it’s a gift, so the minute it’s in their hands they can do with it what they want.” ~ JudgementMaker123
“NTA. Malabrigo isn’t cheap, BUT you offered to pay for the yarn, and she used stash yarn instead.”
“As a knitter, I’d only care if I bought the yarn for the project, and when I buy yarn for a gift knit, I either ask the person or pick a color I know they love.” ~ terrible-aardvark
Reddit is with you, OP.
You asked to pick the color.
You kept the sweater, and you love it.
Changing the color isn’t a crime.
Enjoy your sweater.