Alcohol can be very expensive, depending on type.
When planning a party with a group of people where alcohol is served, a budget for alcohol should be set so no one is getting a $500 bottle of something only they drink and taking leftovers home.
BYOB is probably the most equitable.
But if that’s not done, who should contribute to the alcohol costs: everyone or just those who imbibed?
A woman wrestling with that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rahimsa31 asked:
“AITA for refusing to split the alcohol costs at a bachelorette party even though I’m pregnant?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my friend had a bachelorette party. We rented out a cute Airbnb house with a hot tub by the lake.”
“Everything was paid and organised by us (the party guests) as it was a surprise for the bride. We shared the Airbnb costs evenly, even though I am pregnant so I didn’t use the tub (we paid 500 extra just to use the hot tub).”
“We also each made one meal for the party and bought all things needed for the party and the barbeque including alcohol. It was all on one receipt, so it was easier to divide earlier (between the party of course, the bride didn’t paid a dime since it was her party).”
“Since I am pregnant and I wasn’t drinking, I bought my own alcohol free wine. After the party when we were splitting the bill for the groceries, decorations, etc…, I said I’m going to pay my share excluding alcohol since I haven’t drank.”
“My friends said that we should split evenly and I was the a**hole for refusing to do so. I told them I paid extra for the house and the tub and it was already 80 bucks for something I didn’t use.”
“So I will not pay for their alcohol (it wasn’t much, but it was still like 50 bucks). I didn’t care about the money, but why should I pay for something I said in the beginning that I won’t drink?”
“So am I the a**hole?”
The OP later added:
“I didn’t bring it up before the party because I didn’t think I would be expected to split the alcohol bill.”
“I’m not a bridesmaid as I’m not invited to the wedding—it’s common in our country.”
“We’re Polish and we like to party with lots of alcohol.”
“I said in the beginning that I’m not going to drink, so everyone knew that.”
“I am not grumpy or petty about not being able to ‘party’ because I’m pregnant. I had a blast and I am very happy about being part of the party despite my condition.”
“The girls bought a lot of ‘good’ alcohol and some of them took what was left home (they hadn’t drunk everything).”
“It’s actually normal in my country to be invited to the bachelorette and not to the wedding, so it’s a cultural thing it seems.”
“The bachelorette was 50/50. 4 girls attending were invited to the wedding and 4 weren’t.”
“I had the best time and I fully enjoyed myself and my company. It’s not about the money, but principle? I would never assume vegan to pay for the meat for a barbecue or an abstinent for the alcohol.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to pay for the alcohol I wasn’t drinking at the party, since I’m pregnant, but we said to split the costs of the party evenly beforehand.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors couldn’t decide if the OP was the a**hole, with some saying they were (YTA).
“YTA. This wasn’t a party for you, it was for the bride and you agreed to share costs. The bride drank and went in the hot tub, correct? With your logic, you’d need to assess costs based on how much each guest drank. That’s crazy.” ~ WestCovina1234
“Nobody likes that person who wants to come to split-cost events, then pulls out the calculator and says, ‘well I didn’t do X, and I didn’t drink Y, and I was just opposed to Z, so instead of a full share, I’m going to pay diddly/squat’.” ~ H_Lunulata
“Several years ago, I was out for lunch with two co-workers where we shared a basket of fries. When the bill came, they got into an argument about who ate how many fries—’I don’t think I ate a full 1/3 of them so I shouldn’t have to pay 1/3 of the cost’. I never went out with either of them again.” ~ momdabombdiggity
“Yeah, OP seems to be conflating hosting a party with splitting the bill at a restaurant. I think it’s pretty normal at bachelorette parties for the hosts to cover everything, including a selection of (alcoholic and soft) drinks.”
“Since it sounds like there was no discussion on the cost split, I think it was fair for others to assume that things would be divided evenly. OP should have clarified the costs and how they would be split beforehand.”
“However, she should reflect on why she’s balking at paying for anything where she is not able to personally indulge—it starts to sound selfish and petty really fast (especially when she also says it’s not about the money). OP, YTA.” ~ DeathMachineEsthetic
“If you agree beforehand with other people to split the cost of a party for someone else, you just do it. It doesn’t matter if you’re not drinking. And if you have a problem with it, you should say something beforehand. This is extremely selfish.” ~ caryn1477
“It sounds like YTA for bringing up not wanting to pay for the alcohol after the fact, not before.”
“Please don’t make this an issue that causes the bride to have to intervene to keep her friends from fighting. Consider it a gift to your friend and learn to communicate your expectations about these things BEFORE the bill comes next time.” ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
While others said they weren’t (NTA).
“Ugh, she’s pregnant and stated that she wouldn’t be consuming alcohol. Splitting costs entails accomodations and travel (if traveling together), but to have to pay for others’ drinks? Nah that’s an unreasonable expectation.”
“I will say it is perfectly reasonable to cover her fair share of the bride’s portion. As someone else pointed out if it’s 4 people over $80, OP would pay $5 while everyone else pays $25.” ~ DestructoDon69
“She paid her share for everything including the extra $ for hot tub she couldn’t use. That’s the right thing. But I don’t think she should be paying a share of the alcohol.”
“If she was a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t drink would they still ask her to pay? That said I wouldn’t start a war with friends over it.” ~ kitrose4
“NTA. As a non-drinker, I’m not paying for other people’s (expensive) alcohol so they can have a good time on my dime. I wouldn’t have chipped in for the hot tub I didn’t use either but that’s just me.” ~ wanderingstorm
“Pay your share of just the bride’s portion of the alcohol. All the rest of it wasn’t a shared expense because you didn’t drink. NTA.” ~ _ThunderJones_
“NTA. It’d never cross my mind that a pregnant woman would be chipping in for alcohol.” ~ Sunny_Snark
“In Australia, there has always been a pregnant women’s rate for these sorts of dinners and weekends amongst my peer group.” ~ Gullible_Relative843
“I’m in California, and we never, ever, ever make the pregnant woman pay for booze! It’s wild to me this is even a question.” ~ TiberiusBronte
“NTA. You’re pregnant. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to make you pay because well, you’re expecting. You also paid extra for the house and the tub. Those people just seem greedy to make you pay so they won’t have to pay as much.”
“These are some extra wild takes saying YTA. To me, if you consumed the alcohol, then you pay for it. If you did not consume the alcohol you do not pay for it. It’s simple.”
“Also, you stated that you will not be consuming alcohol. My first thought would be if you told me this, ‘ok you’re not consuming alcohol, that’s one less person I have to ask for their share’. To me this is common sense.”
“It’s like going on a trip skydiving, but one person stays on the ground due to being scared of heights. I wouldn’t ask them for their share because one, they didn’t jump out of the plane. Two, it wouldn’t be fair to them. Three, it’s just plain greedy to ask for money if they only came and stayed on the ground.”
“Those people you went with are the a**holes.” ~ iOawe
“NTA. There are some wild takes in the YTA responses here. Alcohol costs are directly proportional to consuming. They would have had to buy less because they wouldn’t need to account for whatever you were drinking.”
“You were already very fair to fully participate in the rental costs, including the upcharge for the hot tub. I think that fairly subsidized the bride’s alcohol here.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised at the audacity of the other women to have ever expected you to contribute to alcohol. If you were a sober person, would they have done the same? Would all the YTA responses still exist? I think not.” ~ Ebyanyothername
Some Redditors thought everything needed to be an even split. Others thought asking a pregnant woman to pay for alcohol was absurd.
With no clear judgment, the OP will have to decide for herself if her stance was acceptable.