A first impression can be misleading.
That being said, sometimes it’s easy to get a sense of who someone is very shortly after meeting them.
This is particularly true when it comes to dating.
As it’s often more than clear that there is no future here before you’ve even taken the first sip of your drink.
Redditor True_Marionberry732 recently went on a first date with a man she met on the apps.
While the date began as any other did, things took an unexpected turn when the man asked a “harmless” question.
Leading the original poster (OP) to put an end to the date after a mere five minutes.
Wondering if she was being dramatic, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for ending a date after a ‘harmless’ question?”
The OP explained why she made a speedy exit on this ill-fated first date:
“Last night, I met a guy off the apps for a dinner date.”
“We arrived at the restaurant, exchanged pleasantries and ordered our drinks and food.”
“After about five minutes, he leans over and asks me.”
“‘Are you a man?'”
“I was shocked.”
“For context, I’m very much a woman.”
“Long hair, curvy, was wearing a cute dress, makeup, the whole deal.”
“However, I’m also about 178cm in height.”
“He swore he was not trying to offend me.”
“‘You’re just so tall for a woman’, he said.”
“Still, I felt like I had just been slapped.”
“So I politely excused myself from the table, paid for my drink, cancelled my food order, wished him a good rest of the night and left.”
“At the time, I was upset and convinced the man was an idiot.”
“Now that I’ve had time to cool down, I’m wondering if I overreacted.”
“His tone wasn’t negative or accusatory and there’s nothing wrong with being trans.”
“AITAH for immediately bailing?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for bailing on her date.
Everyone agreed that the harmless question the OP asked was sexist, homophobic, and anything but harmless, agreeing she did the absolutely right thing by leaving:
“I’ve never in my life seen a big woman and thought ‘that gotta be a man’, usually my first thought is ‘wow, tall woman’.”- Jiras
“He just assumed you were a man because you’re what, 5’10”?”- Equivalent_Lemon_319
“I’m 5.10.”
“I only really feel tall if I’m in a room with only women, otherwise I feel average.”
“I feel like men are getting weirder about height.”- Katharinemaddison
“You’re not even all that tall.”
“That wasn’t a harmless question, and you totally dodged a bullet there.”
“‘No, are you?’ would have been hilarious.”- justmitzie
“Listen, in any context, what he said was rude.”
“Two possibilities:”
“He knew it was rude, and the fact that he pretended it wasn’t doesn’t change that.”
“His intention was to throw you off guard, affect your self esteem negatively so he had an easier chance of manipulating you going forward.”
“This is not a man you should ever let in your life under any circumstances.”
“He is so out of tune with normal social behavior that he is not a good match for you.”
“This doesn’t make him evil or unredeemable, but he’s not a good partner for you right now.”
“Also, he also has strange ideas about women’s bodies and what is or isn’t normal and that smells like sexism to me.”
“Either way, you were right to leave.”
“Dating is tough.”
“Continue to prioritize yourself.”
“Grow your own garden.”
“I know, oh do I know, that it can feel so achingly important to find a male partner but you are already a complete person.”
“Keep enjoying your life as much as you can and only date when you have space in your calendar!”-owlpinecone
“NTA.”
“The same thing happened to my cousin.”
“Beautiful girl, asked if she was trans.”
“It’s just a new form of negging, and you were right to walk away.”- Beneficial-Sort4795
“Ask him bac,k ‘Are you?'”- Ross_noodlehound
“Should have asked him if he was.”
“NTA for ending the date, he’s clearly a dumba**.”
“But I’m not sure how you could have responded otherwise that wouldn’t seem transphobic.”-Fit_Strike8584
“I’m 5ft, curvy, long hair, extremely feminine face and voice.”
“Had a boomer yell at me I was ‘overcompensating for not being a real woman’ by wearing so much pink and call me trans slurs.”
“I happened to be wearing a pink Jacket, a pink shirt, and a pink bag.”
“The rest of my outfit was tan or grey.”
“Some people are just so disconnected from reality or afraid their closet door might be a bit too see through.”- iesharael
“Now we know why he is still single.”
“What a douche.”- crujones33
“If he was respectful but blunt and wanted to know if you were trans, he would have asked if you were a trans woman.”
“Asking if you were a man makes there 0 chance he’s not an a**hole so NTA.”- Exilicauda
“NTA.”
“You do not need to justify ending a date or relationship.”
“His question was rude.”
“He is obviously emotionally immature and fixated on image.”
“You dodged a bullet.”- AKIcegirl
“He was negging.”- SnooGoats32
“NTA.”
“But how tall is he?”
“It’s giving insecure and that he was trying to offend you.”- sh*tty_loser
“No.”
“He was an a**hole who said it to f*ck with your head and self-esteem.”
“NTA.”- Cold-Bug-4873
“You did the right thing.”
“I’m 6’2” (male), and I’m attracted to tall women (my wife is 5’10”).”
“My daughter is 6’, maybe slightly taller, and uncomfortable about her height.”
“She would be mortified if anyone mentioned it on a first date.”
“I think compliments are appropriate – that dress looks great on you.”
“But drawing attention to physical features is plenty off-putting.”
“‘Hey, you have HUGE KNOCKERS! Do you buy special bras? Oh just kidding…’”- No-Picture4119
“No, his question wasn’t ‘harmless’, he was essentially asking you what bits you have.”
“That’s not a first date question.”- meowbutt_treefiddy
“It’s a date.”
“Anything you don’t feel comfortable with is grounds for cancelling.”- MKMK123456
“NTA.”
“He didn’t ask if you were trans.”
“He asked if you were a man.”
“Rude.”- shyfidelity
“One of my daughters-in-law is 178cm and every bit a woman.”
“As is Taylor Swift, Hannah Waddingham, Zendaya; and Brook Shields, Signourney Weaver and Geena Davis are all taller than that.”
“Sounds like OP’s date is just an insecure man.”
“Best choice was to gracefully leave.”- Successful_Voice8542
“NTA.”
“Women need to normalize leaving in the middle of sh*t dates.”
“I cannot believe the shit my team is putting up.”
“As soon as it’s a no, leave!”
“You’re never getting that time back.”- mapleleaffem
“I’m a transwoman, so might not b the audience you are seeking your advice from but if I were a cisgender woman and a guy asked me that the response would be as follows.”
“Him: Are you a man?”
“Me: I haven’t really thought about it. How did you decide to finally transition?”
“Him: What do you mean?”
“Me: Well, I’ve suspected for a while now because of the obvious tells.”
“You know, like how your voice gets sometimes, especially when you laugh, or how you walk after you stop paying attention to how you’re carrying yourself?”
“Let him sit on the idea that he’s going to have to monitor and modulate himself.”
“If he protests, just chalk it up to an honest mistake, but trust me that he won’t stop thinking about these things.”- Princess0fOoo
“NTA.”
“The guys who always made man ‘jokes’ in the early stages of dating usually ended up being really insecure about my height.”
“Got tired of being the butt of their jokes or making sure my sneakers didn’t have too much of a stack.”
“Heels were out.”
“Always trying to get me to sit down…it was exhausting.”
“Not to mention they usually had so many other things that were manly/womanly.”
“There are so many ways to comment on someone’s height, but asking them if they’re a man isn’t it.”-OkIssue5589
“I’m 171cm tall, and my wife is 185cm tall.”
“We have never questioned each other’s manhood or womanhood.”
“Height doesn’t define a human being (and its gender).”
“Your values, wit, and your heart do.”
“That’s something you can choose, and he didn’t choose well.”
“Tall women are equally beautiful, don’t let this situation take you down.”
“Some men have to belittle others to feel better about their own insecurities.”
“You’re worth more than that, and someone will love you for who you are.”
“Have a nice day!”- Leukuir
It’s hard to imagine how the OP’s date could have possibly believed their “harmless” question would lead to a good outcome.
If anything, he got off easy with the OP leaving so quickly.
As not many other women would have likely had the courtesy to pay for their drink…