Dinner parties can tend to be a mixed blessing.
While it's always a nice occasion to get together with friends and family and catch up, you are not always sure what will be served.
Should the food be something you normally wouldn't eat or don't like, the polite thing to do is put on a brave face and stomach it as best you can.
Some people, however, always have a safety net of sorts for situations like this.
Redditor True_Marionberry732 was recently invited to dinner at their sister-in-law's (SIL).
Upon learning what was being served, the original poster (OP) asked their SIL if they could bring their "safe food."
Something the OP's SIL firmly objected to, as the OP's safe food didn't meet with their SIL's dietary restrictions.
Resulting in the OP choosing to skip the dinner party entirely.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting to bring meat to my vegetarian SIL and not going when I was not allowed too?"
The OP explained what ultimately led them to skip their SIL's upcoming dinner party:
"I have ARFID; there are a lot of textures/flavors of food that will make me physically sick if I put them in my mouth."
"It has been an issue for as long as I can remember."
"My main safe food is plain beef and rice."
"Usually, for an event, I just bring my own safe food, and no one has any problems with it."
"My brother has recently gotten married to Jenna, and she is a vegetarian."
"She invited the whole family to come over for dinner and not to worry about bringing anything."
"I texted her to ask what was going to be made, and it is nothing I could eat."
"She was going to make eggplant Parmesan and pasta."
"I told her that I wouldn't be able to eat that ( she knows I have AFRID) and I can just bring my beef and rice."
"She told me absolutely not, and I should just eat what she serves."
"I told her I literally can't, and she said I was just being picky."
"I decided not to go, and I told her that."
"I was upset, so I told my mom about it, and it spread to the rest of the family from there."
"Multiple people are refusing to go to dinner."
"Jenna is upset (I haven't talked to her tho she did call once) and my brother is telling me I can bring my beef and rice, but I am still refusing to go."
"It's more the principle of the whole thing at this point."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for skipping their SIL's dinner party.
Many agreed that the OP's SIL knew about the OP's food sensitivity, and thus should have been more sensitive and allowed the OP to bring their food, even if it did contain meat:
"I've been a vegetarian for a long time."
"I don't really want meat in my home."
"But I've made exceptions when necessary to accommodate a guest."
"Anyone with a dietary restriction should be more sensitive to others' food issues."
"NTA."- Gigafive
"She's treating this like someone who doesn't believe in allergies treats allergies."
"She doesn't believe you have a REAL medical condition, therefore, you're just picky."
"NTA."- Junior-Equipment-895
"Although NTA, I wonder what she would have said if you asked to bring something vegetarian to eat?"
"I am vegan and prefer people not to eat meat in my home."
"However, with someone in your circumstances, I would not object at all."- anotherangryperson
"NTA."
"It's fair that, as a vegetarian, she doesn't want to invite meat into her house."
"It's equally fair that you would not go to dinner if you can't eat said dinner."
"What is not fair is her calling you picky and telling you to 'eat it anyway'."
"It would be one thing if she talked your other safe foods over with you, looking for compromises, and you two ultimately decided you visiting for dinner wasn't a good fit, but she was rude and infantizing."- grimmglitter
"NTA."
"It's an invitation, not a subpoena."- AgonistPhD
There were others, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling that AFRID was a condition that could be treated and possibly cured, and felt that they could have brought a "safe food" that didn't include meat in it:
"My brother-in-law has arfid, which is an eating disorder, not a medical condition."
"He just had a heart attack at 35 because of his terrible eating behavior."
"ARFID is something to be treated, not a disease other people should have to dance around."
"Ultimately, as with all eating disorders, it's self-harm that needs to be addressed, not a permanent condition to accommodate."
"So, YTA for not addressing your own personal health issues, and instead demanding everyone around you just accept that you don't get treatment."- TheDude-Esquire
"ESH but YTA."
"You absolutely should be able to bring safe food, and her comment about being picky is out of line."
"However, you said your main safe food is beef and rice, not that it's your only safe food."
"Do you have other safe foods you could bring that are vegetarian-friendly?"
"If you do and you're insisting on bringing beef and rice to a vegetarian's house, then YTA."
"That said, everyone's right."
"You got your way, they reached out, there's no principle here to uphold."
"Now you're just being petulant."- External_Scientist_9
"YTA."
"As you have ARFID, you understand severe food aversions."
"Why don't you understand that vegetarians are revolted by meat?"
"If you need to bring your own food, just bring the rice."- maccrogenoff
While a few didn't think either the OP or their SIL came off looking particularly good:
"ESH."
"Sorry, but ARFID is stupid."
"It's real, but it's stupid."
"Having self-awareness is realising it's perceived as silly and that people will react badly."
"I had a friend with Tourette's, and I think what has helped her succeed in life is having a good sense of humour and understanding that people's reactions are more about their own stuff than hers."
"Yelling 'piss' loudly is a lot."
"She gets that."
"She doesn't get outraged by people's responses."
"Once people get to know her, they realise they were likely total a-holes off the bat."
"She would be a very lonely person if she never forgave people for bad initial reactions to her condition."
"Instead, she has a family and has a full social life."
"I also had a serious head injury, which gave me lifelong anosmia, and I also got a lot of flak about it."
"Family pushing about why I don't eat things I used to, and the direct, inappropriate questions about the natural weight loss, rude comments about it being in my head, etc."
"If you become so rigid and unforgiving about common reactions, all you do is isolate yourself."
"Get over yourself."
"Not everything is a personal attack, sometimes it's just plain ignorance."
"People are flawed."
"People don't do well with what they don't understand, and are always going to think you are being picky initially, and your answer is what?"
"To shut everyone out and sulk about it?"
"Give everyone one single chance to respond well?"
"Your SIL has learned a lesson, the family has taken your side, just bring your beef and rice and let it go."
"If you become so tied to your victim complex, you end up lacking the very empathy you expect of others."
"See past your own perspective, and try to find some humour and grace in this situation."
"Not for your SIL, but yourself."- Beautiful-Party-4415
The OP later returned with two updates, first sharing that they might reconsider attending the party on one condition...
"I am going to talk to my SIL."
"I will go if it includes an apology; if it doesn't, I am not going."
Then sharing what transpired in that situation.
"I am not going."
"I talked to her, and she apologized and told me I can bring my food (that was fine) and then told me she would still like me to try her food."
"I told her I can't again, and she said I just needed to try more food."
"She's acting like I am being picky."
"I can't f*cking eat it without throwing up."
"I'm not f*cking going."
"I don't want to be in the company of someone who thinks I made some sh*t up and is called picky for a medical issue."
"I don't, I have lived my whole life dealing with people thinking I am just being a pain in the a**."
"So yeah, I don't want to go to dinner with someone who called my medical issue me being picky."
"Everyone asks, I usually eat different types of beef dishes. meatloaf, meatballs, meat pies, and so on."
"Rice is also good, but I need to eat it with something, not alone."
AFRID is an unenviable condition to have, to say the least.
And the OP's SIL might want to consider which would be worse, the OP eating food they brought to her dinner party, even if it did contain meat, or the OP throwing up after eating the food she prepared herself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp