Approximately 225 deaths occur annually in the United States from severe allergic reactions (anaphylaxis). Over half are the result of food allergies.
If someone says they have a food allergy, ignoring it or testing their sensitivity can kill them.
A spouse whose sister-in-law deliberately disregarded their food allergy turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
GenesandJeanes asked:
"AITA for refusing to apologize to my sister-in-law (SIL) for supposedly ruining her reputation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband, 'Mark,' and I are in our late 50s and recently married. We knew each other for decades, but began dating after I moved back to the area during COVID."
"His family is close, and his mother expects everyone to attend family gatherings. The family includes my father-in-law (FIL), mother-in-law (MIL), sister-in-law (SIL, Mark’s sister), brother-in-law (BIL, her husband), Mark, me, and Mark’s two adult sons."
"Mark’s sister has a history of criticizing Mark, holding grudges, and being insulting."
"For example, at my stepson’s birthday, she gave him a gift card saying, 'I will take you and buy you some shoes that aren't from Walmart, unlike your dad.' This was early in our relationship, and I had no idea she was like that. Her parents made her apologize to Mark the next day."
"To complicate matters, I have life-threatening allergies to several things, including peppers, fragrances, and flowers. SIL dismisses them as drama and makes little effort to accommodate me. As a result, I’ve had multiple allergic reactions at her home."
"About four years ago, SIL and BIL hosted a Father’s Day gathering. SIL insisted on making kebabs with peppers because she thought her dad liked them, despite my severe allergy. We asked her to prepare separate pepper-free food and keep it separate for me. She agreed."
"When we arrived, the peppers she cooked made it difficult for me to breathe inside her house. SIL assured us the food was safe, but I struggled despite my usual allergy medication."
"I learned from my MIL that the chicken was marinated. I asked for the ingredients, but SIL dismissed my questions and said I didn’t need to worry about it. I had to insist 3 times before she gave me the ingredients."
"I went outside considering calling 911. When my MIL came to check on me, I told her, 'My SIL keeps trying to kill me off.' I meant I felt unsafe, not that SIL had deliberately poisoned me. I was sick for days and missed work. SIL blamed me for not providing enough information and never apologized."
"Afterward, Mark and I began hosting family gatherings for safety reasons. Everyone, including SIL and BIL, attended without incident."
"Months later, while we were planning my birthday, my FIL called Mark, furious with me. SIL claimed I was still talking about her, had told someone outside the family about the incident, and had posted about it online, damaging her reputation."
"I never posted anything about her. We did tell friends what happened at the time because I was explaining my illness. There was nothing to apologize for. Mark defended me, but my birthday was ruined. SIL and BIL now refuse to attend family events if I’ll be there, and his parents expect Mark to fix things."
"I suspect one of Mark’s close friends may be stirring things up with SIL, but I can’t prove it."
"AITA for refusing to apologize when I never posted about her or tried to damage her reputation?"
"For context, Mark’s parents are in their 80s, and we only see the family at holidays. These gatherings are very important to his parents, and they would have been deeply offended if I didn’t attend. MIL also planned to discuss something 'important' at dinner, so this was very much a gathering I was expected to attend."
"This was early in my relationship with Mark, and I was trying to be nice and make things work. I honestly thought the previous allergy incidents were oversights."
"My allergies started later in life, so I genuinely thought I could manage the situation and I had never experienced anyone cooking that quantity of peppers around me before. I understand the risks much better now, and I haven’t been back to SIL’s house since."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You had a life-threatening allergy and SIL repeatedly dismissed it, even after being clearly told what you needed to stay safe. Saying she keeps trying to kill me off in that context sounds like an expression of fear and frustration, not a literal accusation of attempted murder."
"You also didn’t post about her or intentionally damage her reputation, so there’s nothing for you to apologize for. If anything, she owes you an apology for repeatedly putting you in unsafe situations." ~ Majestic_Lab_9410
"Actually, I would say it as a literal accusation of attempted murder because SIL KNOWS OP has a LIFE THREATENING ALLERGY and continues to brush it off and CHOOSES to serve OP her allergens and refuse to inform OP about it by deliberately withholding thay information."
"If SIL doesnt want to be accused of attempted murder she should stop trying to kill OP." ~ Environmental_Art591
"Carelessly triggering severe allergies and then demanding an apology for her own reputation is pure main character syndrome." ~ Dismal-Lead-6412
"Reminds me so much of my mother. Whenever she got backed into a corner and had to admit that I was right and she was wrong because the evidence was that overwhelming, she would say that I wasn't clear enough to completely absolve herself of all blame and dump it back on me." ~ TheNightTerror1987
"NTA. Time to nuke that relationship. The woman is a menace." ~ Moriarty1953
"Sounds like SIL is the golden child. And not being invited to family events will make it a lot easier to go low contact or even no contact." ~ harrellj
"For real though. Anaphylaxis can kill faster than an ambulance can get to your house, and you shouldn't need to use your epi-pen just to have dinner with your spouse's family."
"It's relatively common knowledge that repeated exposure to an allergen can lead to increasingly severe reactions. SIL should not have been given a second chance to harm OP. SIL is stupid and evil, but the husband is a failure here, too." ~ ClackamasLivesMatter
OP added an update:
"Y’all, it got worse."
"MIL continues to blame me and has now banned me from ALL family gatherings. We thought things had settled down because MIL and FIL had agreed to stop bringing up the whole SIL situation. We invited them to dinner, thinking we could all act like adults."
"But NOOO. They brought SIL up again and turned it all back on me, as if we’d never agreed to drop it and I was still the problem. I was stunned and furious. I explained how rude it was to ambush me like that. I didn’t yell or cause a scene, but I did say my piece and when they kept going, I walked out of the restaurant."
"A few days later, FIL called Mark and told him they’d given me time to apologize for how I acted and, since I hadn’t, I was no longer welcome in their home or at any family gatherings. They still expected Mark and the boys to show up, just without me."
"Mark told them NO. If I’m not welcome, he isn’t going either. The boys are technically adults, so they can make their own decisions."
"Now MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL are guilting the boys over their dad’s decision, making me the villain, and telling friends twisted versions of the story to explain our absence at family events, with the boys standing right there."
"The boys can see what’s happening, but they’re caught between their dad and the extended family they’ve known their entire lives. They’re being pressured to choose sides, and I hate that they’ve been put in this position."
"I feel terrible for Mark. By standing by me, he risks losing nearly everyone else in his family. He’s no longer speaking to his sister, and the holiday traditions he’s had his entire life are gone. That’s a lot to lose because he refuses to leave his wife at home to make everyone else comfortable."
"The part that hurts the most is that all I ever wanted was to be accepted and be part of the family. I wasn’t asking anyone to choose between me and SIL. Honestly, I never cared whether she showed up or not. I just wanted to share the holidays and build relationships with the people who were supposed to be my family, too."
"Instead, I’m the villain, Mark is being punished for standing by his wife, and the family that insists we’re the ones tearing everyone apart is demanding that he leave me behind."
"Thank you to everyone for their input and advice. I am sticking by my guns and hosting my own holiday dinners. I'm an excellent cook if anyone wants to join us. I think we'll have room at the table."
OP can't make her in-laws see reason or see their daughter for who she is.
But she can set clear boundaries on what she will and won't do instead of enabling her toxic behavior.
