No two people have the same taste in food.
Even the most adventurous eaters have some foods they would rather not see on their plates.
Some people need to have certain foods far away from them, simply to avoid a trip to the hospital.
Redditor mildlycaffeinated513 was among the unlucky ones to suffer from multiple food allergies.
Something that always became a bigger problem whenever the original poster OP visited her in-laws.
Thankfully, there was always a mild compensation for this inconvenience during these visits.
After being deprived of this on her most recent in-law visit, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for being upset my husband didn’t drive 7 minutes further for my favorite dessert?"
The OP explained why her most recent visit to her in-laws left an even worse taste in her mouth than usual:
"My husband (28 M[ale]) and I (27 F[emale]) are visiting his parents for the weekend on the coast in Louisiana."
"For some important context, I am highly allergic to all fish, nuts, and gluten."
"It’s extremely hard for me to eat out, especially on the coast because most restaurants cook primarily fish on their menu, or use the same surface area to cook everything on."
"Whenever we visit, my in laws buy me some snacks for the fridge so I don’t starve to death, but anyone who knows southern people…we don’t eat at home very often."
"All 3 meals of the day are eaten out, and most of the time the places they choose give me 1-2 options to choose from, most of which are salads with very plain grilled chicken."
"No joke, I have had 7 salads the last 3 days."
"My husband knows it’s hard for me, but I stick it out for the once a month visits we make."
"I call it my diet because I lose weight every time I go."
"That being said, I make it a rule that if we visit in the hotter months, I want to get an Ice Cream flavored Snoball (it’s a flavored shave ice, and they are THE BEST here…nothing compares)."
"Tonight is our last night here, and I’ve been waiting all weekend for this moment."
"The stand closes at 8pm, so we leave at 7 to make it at 7:10."
"Turns out, the one we go to changed their hours to close at 7."
"Naturally, I go online and see several open around us, the closest one is 7 minutes away- closes at 9pm."
"Husband says no, then proceeds to park at a Daquiri shop to get himself a mudslide daquiri (like an adult shave ice)."
"I thought he was joking when he said no, but next thing I know we are back home."
"I’m high key pissed- and it’s not even about the snoball at this point."
"It’s about the fact that this is the ONE thing I look forward to and he wouldn’t drive an extra 7 minutes for it."
"We took one car and he was driving."
"They ordered pizza tonight and I had turkey slices wrapped in lettuce, lol."
"Uber Eats does not deliver these; they are usually stands owned by families (and they melt fast)."
"When we eat out, they now ask me if I can have anything on the menu or check for salads."
"We legit eat out breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
"My allergies are annoying, and I try to be as low maintenance as possible, but anaphylaxis is the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced, and I live in fear every day."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for being upset that her husband refused to drive 7 extra miles to get her favorite dessert.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's husband had enough time to get a treat for himself, then the least he could have done was get the OP a small treat to make up for her lack of viable eating options on their trip:
"NTA."
"Seven salads in three days and this man couldn't drive seven minutes so his wife could get the one treat she'd been looking forward to?"
"Come on."- OfficialBroccoliRob
"NTA."
"Him getting himself a treat and driving home says it all."- Peculiar-Possum
"NTA, but that is the first time I have ever heard that about southerners (being one myself)."
"The only people I know who eat out 3 times a day are late teens/early 20's college kids."
"The rest of us know how to cook and aside from an initial dinner out to welcome someone, would be horrified not to cook and bake for visitors."
"Your husband is a total a** though."
"Also - why not just go get the ice yourself?"
" Can you not drive or Uber?"- SeorniaGrim
"NTA."
"I'm intolerant/allergic to a bunch of things myself and have driven 45 mins to a gluten free exclusive bakery cause i knew i would be able to eat there and not get sick."
"He got himself a desert and told you no even knowing you are basically not eating much atm."
"That would have upset me too."- Kattiaria
"Not gonna lie, OP, this boggles the mind."
"My husband would never tell me no to start with, even when I probably could use it, but to actually get himself a treat afterwards?"
"That's just low."
"NTA."- GinAndDumbBitchJuice
"NTA."
"But I’d stop joining him every month for these visits considering how selfish he behaved."- Historical-Dingo3845
"NTA."
"Sounds like he can visit alone next month."
"Man let's his wife starve AND won't drive 10 more minutes to get her a dessert to visit HIS family."
"Disgusting."- Dontmakemepickaname
"NTA."
"I can't imagine doing that to someone."- user9876543121
"NTA."
"7 minutes isn't that far and he clearly wasn't that tired if he took the time to go get himself an alcoholic treat of his own."- MaySeemelater
"There's a lot to unpack here, and TBH why the heck are you still even entertaining the thought of visiting his parents every month."
"Let me repeat what you have told us back to you so you really hear it."
"Your inlaws buy snacks for their fridge so you don't starve instead of buying proper food and cooking it at home or at least buying food that you can cook for them or yourself. They choose the places you all eat out at 3 times a day and NONE of those places have more than one or two options?"
"WTF? "
"Why don't you or your husband get to choose places to eat so you can have a decent meal."
"Your husband knows it’s hard for you but makes absolutely ZERO effort to make it easier or more pleasant for you."
"Your husband refuses to drive 7 minutes to get you a snowball dessert and then spends what amounts to 7 minutes getting himself a dessert."
"Lady, you are either the world's biggest doormat or he has a LOT of money and a terminal illness."
"Grow a spine and make it clear you aren't putting up with his and his family's bullshit a second longer and you will NOT be attending any further monthly (!!!) visits to his parents until you are provided with proper home-cooked meals you can eat OR you all go to restaurants that YOU get to choose."
"It's clear to everyone here that he and his parents don't like you so you need to decide whether you like yourself enough to leave him."
"Oh and re your comment at the end: 'I try to be as low maintenance as possible'."
"Please STOP! Stop trying to be a pond just because your husband can't swim in the ocean."
"Be ALL the maintenance - the higher the better."
"NTA obviously."- Born-Inevitable264
The OP later returned with an update, sharing a heart-to-heart she had with her husband, and thanking those who took the time to comment:
"Thank you all for the feedback last night!"
"I had a conversation with my husband last night about how the situation made me feel."
"He did admit to it being a selfish act on his part and told me that when he visits, the priority is his parents (which is very true)."
"To answer some of your questions from the original post:"
"I myself am not from the southern states."
"I am from the West Coast and my husband moved us here after we got married since he grew up down here."
"I asked my husband why we always eat out, and he told me that his mom cooked 100% of the time when he was a kid and when we visit it’s 'celebratory' aka their way of trying new restaurants in the area."
"When we visit, we leave in the morning in ONE car and are back after dinner, so going to a store isn’t exactly easy."
"When we are at their house, I snack on what they buy me when they do take out."
"The closest grocery store is 25 minutes away, it’s not just a 'hop in the car and go to the store' type of area."
"Within 10 miles we have gas stations, a daquiri shop, a few snoball stands, and bait shops."
"Last thing to mention- I asked about a compromise and offered to teach his mom how to cook a few dishes that I could eat."
"He said they’d be open to it, but it would be a process because his mom doesn’t like cooking things that are not traditional, but she would probably do it for me if I asked."
"Anyways, thank you all for your responses and suggestions!"
"Hopefully this gave you some more clarification."
"I’ll be reconsidering the next trip, whether I go or not."
"It seems to be more stressful than anything."
It's nice that the OP's husband admitted his behavior was selfish.
Even so, while his parents should be the priority when he visits, he could at least make the tiniest effort to make sure his wife doesn't starve.
If OP skips the next visit, as she suggested he might, it could make for a much less stressful visit for everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp