Once two people have been together for a while, the spark between them might dull, and their day-to-day interactions might start to blend together.
But couples who remain considerate of each other’s feelings understand that there are some things you simply don’t do to your partner, like eat all of their favorite snacks before they get a chance to, or finish off their birthday cake, reasoned out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor reddita_5 had just celebrated her birthday with her children while her husband and stepson were at her stepson’s baseball game, at the end of a very hard week.
The next day when she discovered that her husband had eaten all of the specialty birthday cupcakes her coworker had gifted to her, the Original Poster (OP) was furious.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for being mad that my husband ate my birthday cupcakes?”
The OP had a terrible week and hoped her birthday would be better.
“My husband and I have been together for a long time. We are a blended family. Our kids are from previous relationship. We love each other’s kids equally, but I’ve separated them into ‘his and hers’ to make this situation easier to follow.”
“I’ve had a hell of a week. Crazy, stress at work.”
“My birthday was this week. It was a few days after my works’ biggest fundraiser of the year, so it’s been very stressful.”
“My work team met on my birthday to rehash the event, and they surprised me with specialty cupcakes (Not cheap grocery store cupcakes). They sent me home with the three extras.”
It was obvious to the OP that her husband did not put much effort into her birthday.
“As I walked in the door, my husband was putting candles on a cake he got me.”
“It was a cheap grocery store cake. He clearly didn’t plan ahead and bought one already prepared and had them put my name on it. Whatever.”
“In comparison, I spoil my husband. I buy him his favorite red velvet cake, I take him out to a nice restaurant, and I buy him a few thoughtful gifts along with a sweet or funny card with a message.”
“We were not able to celebrate my birthday together, as he went to his son’s game.”
“My oldest drove in from college to see me, and I did not want to see a ballgame for three and a half hours on the night of my birthday. I attend all the time, and my stepson plays three games per week.”
“So I went out to eat with my kids. Then we went home and ate about one-fourth of the cake he bought me.”
“My husband got home when I was going to bed. He asked me how the cake was.”
“I was honest and said it was dry and not great. I didn’t want to lie and risk him buying it over and over again, so I was honest.”
The OP was furious when she realized what her husband did next.
“24 hours later, I got home from work and was looking forward to a specialty cupcake. They were gone. The three-fourths of the cheap cake he bought was left untouched.”
“He ate all three cupcakes within 24 hours and didn’t leave me any.”
“When I told him that made me mad, he said I didn’t tell him what cake I wanted. He did not ask me, but as a mother, why must I plan everything? Even for my own birthday?! Ugh.”
“AITAH for being hurt and disappointed and telling him?!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that eating all of the cupcakes was totally thoughtless.
“NTA. It’s as thoughtless as you think it is. It’s interesting that he ate the cupcakes but not the leftover cake.”
“I understand him maybe eating one of the cupcakes, but all three of them? I’d be p**sed too.” – bluesunset90
“It was purely out of spite because she didn’t appreciate the last-minute store-bought cake he got for her.”
“The fact that his response to her expressing her being upset about the cupcakes was immediately about the cake makes it very clear. He did it to retaliate against her honest disappointment when he asked if she liked the cake.”
“It was to punish her for not being grateful for his mediocre effort.” – Mental-Woodpecker300
“A box of chocolate and the promise of a proper birthday dinner as soon as possible would have been 1000 times better, honestly. Especially since they didn’t even get to celebrate together!” – the_V33
“Eating the nice cupcakes instead of the cheap cake almost feels spiteful, to be honest. Like, was he punishing her for not acting grateful enough for his crappy last-minute cake?”
“Even if he was just being thoughtless, though, this feels like a situation where a real come-to-Jesus conversation is needed. I can tell you I wouldn’t be doing s**t for his next birthday, that’s for sure.” – goatbusiness667
“I literally made my own birthday cake, knowing full well my girlfriend would eat most of it. I don’t really like sugary things. I did it because I show my love through actions (and she pays the bills).”
“It p**ses me off when guys use ignorance to defend their mistakes. If you’re not emotionally intelligent enough to realize that was wrong, that means you haven’t tried to develop that form of intellect or better yourself in any way, even if you didn’t see it in your own upbringing (I didn’t).” – Tyrion_The_Imp
“NTA. I’m really confused as to why you telling him the store-bought, no real effort cake was dry was such an offense to him that he felt the need to eat all of your other birthday treats. That’s an awfully concerted effort to be petty and mean.”
“How long have you been married, and is he always like this? I’m not saying this on its own is a divorceable offense, but it’s definitely giving a bit of a red flag.” – penguinwife
“NTA. It’s the thought that counts, and buying you dry cake that you said you didn’t like, and then eating the cake you DID like, was entirely thoughtless. It’d be one thing if he did a nice thing for your birthday, like take you out, or get you a nice gift. Just something to show that he cares.”
“When he calms down, can you have an honest conversation with him about it and see if he’ll turn around and do something nice for you. If you don’t think you can have a conversation with him about being disappointed on your birthday, you’ve got bigger problems.” – xylodactyl
Others, perhaps jokingly, said they’d be dumping the guy over this.
“I love dessert. I would consider dumping him over this.” – DJBlandy
“My sweet tooth is incredibly defensive and protective of all my snacks. My poor husband refuses to touch my fruit snack drawer in the bedroom, even when I offer. He would rob a bank before he ate my cake.” – HeyPrettyLadyMaam
“You are NTA. He just did this to try and hurt you. This would not end until he went out to a specialty bakery and bought six cupcakes to replace the ones he took… or until I divorced him. There would be nothing else that could fix this.” – Mysterious_Spark
“I’m sorry. He should have texted you to see if it would be alright if he ate ANY of the cupcakes. You’re NTA.”
“Also, you told him you were mad he ate all three cupcakes, and his reply was, ‘You didn’t tell me what cake you wanted…’ That feels kind of gaslighty, in my honest opinion.” – techn0Hipp0
“How do you eat three entire cupcakes that were somebody else’s? I could imagine maybe taking one, but then definitely leaving the rest because they’re YOUR birthday cupcakes?! What the f**k.”
“I can’t even imagine. My husband and I basically share everything, but even so, I ask before grabbing something that was given to him specifically.” – parks_and_wreckage_
“How does ‘you didn’t tell me what cake you wanted’ result in eating your wife’s birthday cupcakes?”
“There’s a lot wrong here. He should either know what kind of cake/sweet she likes, or he should be adult enough to ask her what she wants. These seem like smaller problems to a bigger issue, though.”
“Sitting down and having a conversation, most likely more than one, about this particular situation as well as the issues it highlights, is really the only way. Nothing will get better or change without communicating with each other.” – Nympth_the_scribe
“He chose to eat something that was made for you, by your colleagues, in order to do something special FOR YOU.”
“He knew full well those were not for him, and he knew full well you wanted YOUR cupcakes. He knew, but didn’t care. When people show you how little they actually respect and value you, believe them.”
“Actions always speak louder than empty words.” – Natenat04
“My ex-husband would have done that. NTA.” – Longjumping_Desk3205
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“He was mad at me last night about me being mad. Frustrating. But I stood my ground.”
“This morning, he has apologized several times and bought me four of the exact cupcakes he ate. Telling me they are ALL mine. In fact, I just ate one!”
“He did have a card for me and some small, lovely gifts for me with the cake on the day of my birthday.”
“He told me at that time he ordered something else for me and rushed the shipping. It’s supposed to arrive today. I have no idea what it is, but I’ve learned not to have any kind of expectation, even though he told me it’s very nice.”
“Thanks for confirming I’m NTA.”
While they were “just cupcakes” on the surface, the subReddit understood that what the OP’s husband had done went much deeper than eating a few cupcakes.
Not only had he made a bad week a little worse, but if he was going to eat some sweet treats, he should have eaten the cheap, afterthought birthday cake he picked up at the store, not the specialty cupcakes the OP’s coworker specifically ordered for her.
It felt like more of a cheap shot than anything for the OP not bending over backwards to compliment and thank her husband for doing the bare minimum. Maybe for her husband’s next birthday, she could top his birthday cake with a red flag instead of a candle.