At one time, church weddings were the privilege of the rich or royal.
Most other people were married at the bride’s or groom’s family home.
Church weddings evolved from simple blessings at home or at church entrances to becoming formalized sacraments. The Catholic Church established marriage as a sacrament in the 12th century, but it wasn’t until the late 19th century that church weddings became commonplace.
But as more and more people are leaving religion in the 21st century, alternatives to church weddings are gaining popularity.
A bride-to-be with no interest in a church wedding turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
InvestigatorHour2911 asked:
“AITA for refusing a Christian wedding ceremony?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, female) got engaged a couple of months ago, and we are in the early stages of wedding planning. We are paying for the wedding ourselves.”
“My parents had offered to give us money as a wedding gift to pay for the wedding with no strings attached. My in-laws aren’t paying for any of it.”
“I’m an atheist. My parents saw religion as a personal choice, and it was never pushed onto me.”
“After learning about different religions, I came to the decision to be an atheist in my teens. My fiancé Marcus was raised Christian and has a lot of family who are deeply religious and whose faith is significant to them.”
“Marcus himself is also an atheist. He explains that he realized he was only practicing because of his extremely religious grandparents and not because he believed in God himself.”
“They went minimal contact with Marcus for a couple of months after learning he wasn’t Christian anymore because they were so upset. I think (don’t have any proof) they wanted him to marry a Christian girl so he would end up going back to being Christian.”
“Because we are both atheists, having a Christian ceremony wasn’t even something either of us ever considered. We want one of our friends to marry us, and to have the wedding somewhere outside.”
“Well, his grandparents found out we are not having a Christian ceremony, and they have made it clear to him that they are devastated we won’t have a Christian ceremony, especially knowing how important their faith is to them and most of his family.”
“They want us to be married in their church by their pastor and to make vows to a God neither of us believe in—part of it will also be to invite God into our futures.”
“They think we should give in and have a Christian wedding since we don’t follow a religion, so it shouldn’t matter to us, and they find it important.”
“They are trying to get us to agree to have a Christian ceremony for their sake. Since neither of us are religious, and we know how important this is for them.”
“Marcus and I agree we don’t want a religious ceremony, but his grandparents’ insistence is getting to Marcus since he has always been extremely close to them. I also hate the idea that this can affect my relationship with my in-laws.”
“So Reddit, AITA for standing my ground and refusing a Christian wedding ceremony?”
The OP later added:
“My fiancé is the one talking to his family about this.”
“They think since he was Christian for years to make his family happy—until his late teens when he realized he was only doing it to make his grandparents happy without believing—that we could have a Christian ceremony for the same reason.”
“He is on my side, but doesn’t want to ruin his relationship with his grandparents again. They distanced themselves from him for months after he told them he wasn’t Christian.”
“Part of the reason I’m against it is, I have a lot of people in my life that are religious. Having a Christian ceremony in front of my friends and family—who all know I don’t believe—feels fake and like I’m making fun of their religion.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I feel like I might be the a**hole because this is causing a rift between Marcus and his grandparents, who he is really close to, as well as souring the relationships with my in-laws.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA: And a story time… I compromised with my now ex-in-laws about a religious ceremony. Fast forward to when I had children, and they tried to force baptisms.”
“Going so far as to try to trick my children into it. Going behind my back and lying to me about what they were doing.”
“When confronted, they argued it was fine because I was married in a Christian ceremony and was now therefore obligated, blah, blah, blah.”
“Were they extreme in their actions and beliefs, yes. But I could have nipped the lying and sneaking by holding my ground on my wedding.”
“It is your day, with your fiancé… not theirs.” ~ lunarteamagic
“NTA! What if, instead of being atheists, you and Marcus both practiced a religion other than Christianity (for example, Judaism)? Would Christian Granny and Grampy throw a fit and insist you get married in a Christian ceremony?”
“And would you be expected to do that? This is no different, in my opinion.”
“I also agree with the other person who said it’s not going to stop with the wedding ceremony. If you have a Christian wedding, then you’ll get pressured to baptize your kids as Christian, take them to church and whatnot.”
“Really sorry you’re dealing with this. The exact same thing happened to a young relative of mine (raised Catholic, but no longer practicing and had a secular, outdoor wedding).”
“Some family members were unhappy, but too bad. And by the way, the wedding was lovely and yours will be too.” ~ SweetCitySong
“NTA. My stance would be that their religion is important to them, but you not having a Christian ceremony in no way impacts their lives or their relationship with their God.”
“Maybe they might think it gets them in trouble with their God if they attend, but they are free not to attend. I’d also advise against compromising too much as this strong-arm tactic will come up again if you two have children and don’t have them baptized.”
“Marcus may also need to just shut the conversations down by ending them or walking away if it is brought up. Refuse to engage. Question/request has been asked and answered.” ~ sharethewine
“NTA, and be advised that if you cave into this demand now, you’ll be caving into such demands throughout the rest of your marriage.”
“Your fiancé’s grandparents will be upset that your kids aren’t in Sunday School. They’ll be mad that you’re not celebrating Easter.”
“They’ll be mad that you’re not bringing the kids to church on Christmas. It’s never going to stop.” ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
“Maybe OP should just elope and have a reception later.” ~ floofienewfie
“NTA. My husband’s family is very religious—his parents were Catholics but switched churches for a bunch of reasons when he was…I think in high school? Definitely, after he’d gone through Catholic Confirmation. I want to say they’re Methodist now.”
“My husband is an atheist. I’m a pagan. Since my husband didn’t much care and I did, our wedding had a lot of pagan references in it. Symbolism of oak trees, that sort of stuff.”
“We managed to get some young oak trees in containers to our wedding site so we could get married underneath them. It was the one important thing other than dress shopping that I asked my mom if she could manage, and she outdid my expectations, they were perfect.”
“You’ve made a tactical mistake by telling relatives in advance that it was going to be an atheist wedding. You gave them time to whine and complain and pressure.”
“My in-laws knew I was pagan for several years before the wedding, but we really didn’t tell them anything about the wedding other than that we’d chosen turquoise for the mothers’ color if she would like to match, but we wouldn’t be upset if she would prefer to select something else.”
“The last thing I wanted was drama, so I did deliberately choose a color that was flattering to both of our mothers, who have very similar coloring, but I was not going to require anything specific clothing-wise out of anyone but my bridesmaids and ring bearer.”
“I think my FIL is the type to not get upset about anyone’s faith, and my MIL was just relieved that we weren’t going to be living in sin anymore after 8 years of living together.”
“I think if they’d had any idea of what the officiant was going to say and do months in advance, my MIL might have had time to work herself up over it, but that’s exactly why I didn’t give her details.” ~ KaliTheBlaze
The OP provided an update:
“Okay, so I don’t know if anyone will read this, but feel like I should give an update on the situation since I got a lot of good advice and encouragement from people who have gone through a similar situation.”
“After reading all the comments and talking with Marcus, we have decided to elope and avoid wedding drama and save the extra money for our honeymoon. Our plan is to pick one of the destinations we have always wanted to visit, travel there with a couple of our closest friends, max five people including us, and get married.”
“Then having a more casual family celebration of the start to our marriage later.”
“We are excited to elope because we get the outdoor wedding we want, and if there is family drama at the family gathering after, it won’t be such a big deal since we will still have our wedding the way we wanted.”
“For now, we are browsing potential places and loving feeling no stress surrounding the wedding.”
“If anyone has any suggestions for cool places we could travel to, please share. I’ve always wanted to visit Iceland.”
“And thanks to everyone who gave advice and encouragement.”
It sounds like the OP found a solution that works for them, even if it doesn’t work for her future in-laws.