Most of us want to be there for our family during challenging times.
That being said, there is usually an element of quid pro quo when it comes to helping out family members.
Some people only stay in touch with family members, but more or less fall off the face of the earth when people reach out to them for help.
Often, this leaves others less inclined to help them after a certain amount of time.
Redditor. Trick-Airline6079 had a complicated relationship with his father and brothers.
With this in mind, when one of the original poster (OP)’s brothers reached out to him for help, the OP had no trouble ignoring this request completely.
However, after being scolded by some family members, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not paying for my brother’s bond?”
The OP explained why he more or less ignored his brother’s plea for help:
“4 months ago, my (27 M[ale]) brother (31) went to jail.”
“My dad called me and I didn’t answer the phone because before that, me and I hadn’t spoken in like 2 weeks, which is usual for us.”
“We can go months without speaking because he was in and out of my life as a child.”
“My mom raised me with help from her family.”
“About 2 hours after he called me, I got a call from jail.”
“They said the person’s name, and I recognized it as my brother and didn’t answer.”
“He immediately called again, and I felt compelled to answer.”
“He was in jail and needed 2k to bond out.”
“I said no and hung up.”
“I make a lot of money, so it wasn’t the amount; it was the fact that we don’t have a close relationship.”
“Yes, we both have the same father (and I have two other older brothers from my father), but I didn’t even know my brother’s names until I was a teenager.”
“He randomly told me I had brothers when I was a child to begin with.”
“My brother didn’t call back and neither did my dad so I thought the situation was done.”
“Last weekend, my father invited me to lunch so I went.”
“Why not?”
“My daughter was with me and it’d been a while since they saw each other.”
“I wasn’t even there for 15 minutes before he started scolding me about not bonding my brother out.”
“I told him what I’m saying now;”
“I don’t know his son that much.”
“I saw him in person when I played football in high school and he was playing for the opposite team.”
“But we didn’t even speak there.”
“He told me that it doesn’t matter because he’s still my blood relative.”
‘I said ‘I’m not bailing any strangers out of jail’.”
“‘The money I make is for things I see as important’.”
“Then I left afterwards because it was getting heated.”
“Last night, I was at my aunt’s house (my mother’s sister) and she told me that he told her about the situation and that he was hurt by it.”
“I barely felt bad tbh, just mostly confused.”
“Either way, she ended up echoing his words but with more context, saying ‘your father’s absence wasn’t his fault’.”
“‘He’s still your brother and you should’ve helped him out’.”
“So now I’m second-guessing myself like damn.. should I have bailed him out?’
“I had the money.’
“Still, my dad lives and is with the mother of his other sons.”
“He was even with her when my mom was pregnant and he’s consistent in their life so bailing his son out was his responsibility in my opinion.”
“His other 2 sons, I haven’t even met.”
“I’ve been through shit in life as we all have but my point is that none of his sons sought me out to comfort or help me.”
“He didn’t either.”
“I don’t mind apologizing if I’m the a**hole.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to bail his brother out of jail.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s brother was clearly using him as an easy way out, and his father had no business scolding him owing to his lack of presence in their life.
“NTA.”
“Your dad could have bonded him out if it had been important.”
‘Or other brothers he was raised with.”
“You’re just a potential bank sharing DNA.”- Mathamagician77
“NTA.”
“Honestly, people need to stop with the whole ‘but you’re/we’re family’ bs.”
“You have no relationship with this dude and you’re supposed to cough up $2k for him?”
“Nope.”– Plastic_Meringue_361
“NTA.”
“So 31 years ago your dad had sex and now all this time later you are supposed to be responsible for his grown son, who is older than you, that he produced.”
“Nope.”
“His son has two parents and at least three full brothers.”
“Not your responsibility to bail anyone out after they have willingly committed a crime that put them in jail.”
“Especially if this person is a practical stranger.”
“Why didn’t the family that criticized you pay his bail?”
“You did not work hard and get a good job so other people could use the money you earned.”
“Ignore these idiots.”- Thick_Place2105
“NTA.”
“Your aunt is ridiculous.”
“Once you start giving relatives money the begging will never end.”
“Do not step foot on that slippery slope.”- IHaveBoxerDogs
“You are a convenient ATM to them under the guise of ‘family’.”
“NTA.”- HeyWV132
“NTA.”
“You owe nothing to either of these people.”- Brother-Cane
“NTA.”
“Even if you had a relationship with your brother, you are not obligated to bail him out of jail.”
“He’s in jail for a reason & your father or 2 other brothers could have bailed him out.”
“Personally, I wouldn’t consider either of your father’s sons a brother.”
“Simply because there has never been a relationship between you and them.”
“You’re teaching your daughter what healthy boundaries look like.”
“Let your aunt know you don’t appreciate her inserting herself in any situation that involves your father & his sons.”- MaeSilver909
‘NTA.”
‘You dint even know him.”- West-Improvement2449
“NTA.”
“Yes it was your father’s responsibility to bail him out but it was your brother’s responsibility not to get arrested.”- NeitherStory7803
“NTA.”
“He’s basically a stranger to you.”
“Stand your ground and don’t do it.”
“If your dad wants to he could do it himself.”- foreverhappilysingle
“NTA.”
“You’re not responsible to bail him out of his own toxic and destructive consequences.”
“Your parents have failed to raise him properly.”
“It’s their mess to fix.”- WholeAd2742
“NTA.”
“Your dad and that side of the family can pay his bail.”
“It’s not your responsibility.”
“And he’s in jail presumably for something he did.”
“It’s not like he needed $2,000 to save his life and no one could pay it but you.”- friendlily
“Probably reading into this but it sounds like your parents had an affair?”
“And your 3 half-brothers are from his wife?”
“So your dad, who isn’t a consistent presence in your life is upset that you didn’t put up $2000 for your half brother, who you only know by sight and have never spoken to?”
“NTA.”
“That’s like paying bond for a stranger.”
“Why would you do that just because you share some DNA with this guy?”
“Who even knows if he’d show up in court & you’d get your money back?”
“Sounds like he had a dad, mom and 2 other brothers he could borrow from.”
“Not your responsibility at all.”- Oh-its-Tuesday
“NTA.”
“Any family member giving you crap for not bailing him out is welcome to open up their wallets and purses.”- juanredshirt
“NTA.”
“Not your problem.”
“Your brother wouldn’t be in jail if he didn’t do what he did to get him there.”- Briiiiiiyonce
“NTA.”
“If dad couldn’t bail out his own son he is a loser that raised a loser.”
“Run away from this and distance yourself to protect yourself and family from these train wrecks.”- ADisposableRedShirt
“Blood makes you a relative, love makes you a family.”
“Yes, that guy is your ‘brother’, but you don’t even know him and you are right, it was your father’s responsibility to bond out HIS son.”
“You see, your ‘brother’ reached an age where no matter how your father behaved, he could have reach out and have a relationship with you.”
“So it seems to me you’re not good enough for him, but your money is?”
“NTA.”- Melodic-Dark6545
No father wants to learn that their child has landed in prison.
That being said, the fact that the OP’s father seemed to rely on one of his children bailing out another one of his children rather than taking care of matters himself says quite a bit about his parenting style.
The fact that the op has guilt about this matter suggests that he has developed all the empathy his father appears to be lacking.