Being invited to be part of a wedding party can be an honor or an obligation, depending on the person’s relationship with the couple getting married.
But what about not being invited to participate? Is it reasonable to feel a certain way about getting snubbed?
A man turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after not making the list for his supposed best friend since childhood’s wedding.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
OhhBeOne asked:
“AITAH for bailing on my ‘best friend’s’ wedding after finding out I’m not in the wedding party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Known Jake for 16 YEARS (since we were 10) and always thought we were ride-or-die. Was super supportive when he met Sarah, helped plan the proposal, and he literally called me FIRST when she said yes.”
“In recent years, we became distant in terms of daily communication, but whenever we meet up, it was like we saw each other yesterday.”
“Last month, I casually asked about bachelor party plans and discovered not only am I not the best man (fine, that’s his brother), I’m not even IN the wedding party AT ALL.”
“He picked work friends he’s known for like 2 years over me. And like, he said that he didn’t know if I could come, since we are like a hour and a half drive from each other.”
“When I asked why, he gave some BS about ‘keeping numbers even’ with her side.”
“I technically was also saving up some money, so I can get a nice gift and get a nice suit.”
“After finding this out, I made up a work excuse and bailed completely. Now Jake’s blowing up my phone saying I’m being petty and his fiancée is saying I’m making their day ‘about me’.”
“AITAH for not wanting to watch my supposed best friend get married from the random guest section?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not in the wrong (NTA).
“NTA. How can it be about you if you aren’t even there?” ~ ZombieZookeeper
“Exactly, if they’re making it about you while you’re not even there, then they’re the ones doing it wrong.” ~ josephdoxdix55
“Because Sarah is the one who didn’t want him in the wedding party and she knows Jake will resent her for him losing a friend over this.” ~ Riker_Omega_Three
“Yep. Sarah convinced Jake not to include OP in the wedding party and claimed, ‘he won’t mind,’ and it’s no big deal. Well, OP declined the RSVP, and suddenly Jake realizes Sarah was full of sh*t, and Sarah realizes she was caught out being a bridezilla.”
“Consequences are inconvenient for her.”
“If I were OP, I’d just tell Jake, ‘I thought we were better friends; clearly we’re not, and I’m not traveling to a wedding for an acquaintance. Wish you well, though’.” ~ Lucky_Platypus341
“Bingo. This has Sarah written all over it. If I had to guess, OP doesn’t exactly look like his friend or his chosen groomsmen, and that is because Sarah wants pictures to look a certain way.” ~ PhilsFanDrew
“Bingo. She probably didn’t like his ‘aesthetic’.” ~ EffectiveDepartnExpt
“Lame excuse from the groom. He’s made so many assumptions without even talking to you.”
“Nope, don’t attend. In fact, it was a good time to ditch him and her. Plan a vacation with $$ saved. And make new friends.” ~ 60moonchild
“NTA. OP can tell Jake he isn’t the friend you remembered.”
“And show him this thread, so he knows what kind of a**hole internet strangers think he, and Sarah, are.” ~ Stormy8888
“Bro you need to say all the best and just block them.”
“What would it take for you to treat someone like that? You wouldn’t, because your not selfish.”
“They don’t value the relationship like you do—so f*ck them.”
“You’ll have some money and time to do something for yourself instead.” ~ GuyJoan
“Yeah, he’s moved on from your relationship, or he doesn’t think you will mesh well with his new work friends.”
“It might not be anything more than that, but it still stings, and you are not obligated to go to his wedding if you are not really a good friend anymore. Actions do speak louder than words.”
“You could just tell him you’re not going to his wedding, but you wish him the best. Send a card. If you are meant to be close to him again, someday it will happen.” ~ grayrockonly
“That’s some serious BS to pick a ‘work friend’ over OP. I’d be pissed too.”
“Or… maybe this is a disillusionment moment. OP truly sees that his ‘best friend’ at best doesn’t value him in the same way. At worst, his ‘best friend’ is actually a shallow schmuck who never deserved his friendship in the first place.”
“BTW: bride-to-be sounds like a real peach, I’m thinking she and ‘best friend’ deserve each other.” ~ Humble_Nobody2884
“Tell Jake, ‘So I was saving up for your wedding. I thought that’s what a best friend ought to do. That’s what I thought I was to you. But clearly, you don’t feel the same way about me that you used to. That’s OK. People grow apart. So I’m gonna save my money if you don’t mind. I really do wish you the best’.” ~ wordsmythy
“Oh, based on what the OP’s friend has already said, the friend will find a pathway to be angry with the OP. They always do. Whatever you say, they will find a way. So, just say what you need to; say it once; and then do not engage any more after that.” ~ South_Can_2944
“NTA. Save yourself time and money. He obviously doesn’t view your friendship like you do. Maybe his fiancée doesn’t care for you? Move on from people who aren’t your people anymore.” ~ Endora529
“NTA. Me thinks it’s Sarah who doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you in the groom’s party.” ~ Lithogiraffe
“Yeah, not really sure what else it would be. And I’d guess she’s using the opportunity to twist it into her fiancé that OP is a bad friend and should he dropped anyways.
“Hence the ‘making it about me’. His ex-friend didn’t come up with that line, I’d bet money.” ~ Gumby_Grown-Up
“Even OP mentioned the BS in his friend saying The reason was ‘keeping the numbers even on her side’. C’mon.” ~ Lithogiraffe
“This exactly. It’s Sarah. This relationship is over. Be nice about it, but move on.” ~ Educational-Glass-63
“NTA. He wasn’t sure if you will come so why should he be upset and surprised? Also why didn’t he ask you yourself if you can come?”
“And why do the 1.5 hours drive matter? I call bs and wonder what the true reason is. I would also be upset if my bff would do this.” ~ ToughGodzilla
“I lived through this. My best friend my whole life. My Maid of Honour. My ride or die. Sent me a FB message that said her mom said I wasn’t a good friend and I was not in the wedding party.”
“Same deal—wedding in Cuba that I had saved up for. The whole ordeal broke me, even 15 years later. I never spoke to her again, and she never reached out.”
“All I know is she was like a sister to me, and I was disposable to her. There is no coming back from that. It sucks, and you’re NTA.” ~ EatGlassALLCAPS
“My former best friend did something similar as well. At least I didn’t have to go to the world’s stupidest destination wedding location, St. Louis, in the end.”
“They were just cheap. They couldn’t afford the types of venues they wanted in Chicago but could afford it in St Louis (it was something like half the price).”
“So instead of doing something local they could afford, they passed the costs onto guests in the form of travel expenses. I didn’t really want to pay $2k to attend a wedding in St Louis I wasn’t even invited to the rehearsal dinner for.” ~ Puzzled-Register-495
“I once had someone I had worked with for one month ask me to be the best man at his wedding to a bride I’d never met or even knew her full name.”
“Definitely had to decline. So many times in your life you’ll go to a wedding, and that’s the last time you’ll ever see the person.” ~ workindtillIdie
“This dude has moved on from the friendship you had. That happens. It’s life. The question is, how do you respond?” ~ The-Centre-Cant-Hold
“Exactly my take. OP looks at Jake as a best friend forever, but Jake does not view OP as even a best friend… just someone he hung with years back.”
“OP, just move on. It happens.” ~ jcaashby
“NTA. He demoted you to an acquaintance and is now pissed that you’ve called him out on it.”
“And how can your lack of presence at his/their wedding make it all about you? Unless he’s experiencing a sudden case of bad conscience.” ~ clearheaded01
Whatever the OP decides to do, it doesn’t sound like this lifelong friendship will ever be the same.