Owning your own business is a dream for a lot of people. But it can bring a lot of problems that working for someone else doesn't.
Family wanting freebies is one such issue.
A business owner turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after saying no to a family freebie.
Crazy_Ad2921 asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my brother-in-law a free massage even though I own a massage studio?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I basically run my own little massage therapy business. I rent a comfy studio, have regular clients, and honestly I work really hard to keep the business moving . It's my full-time job, not just a side hustle, and it pays my bills."
"This weekend, my sister and her husband came over for dinner. At some point, my brother-in-law (BIL) casually asked , 'Man, I've been so sore lately. Can you just give me a quick massage while we're here?'."
"I kind of laughed it off and said, 'that's what I do all week, you can book a session with me if you want though!'."
"He looked offended and said he thought family should get freebies. My sister chimed in and said, 'Yeah, come on, you can't just do a 20 minutes back rub for him? It won't cost you anything'."
"I told them it does costs me time, energy, and the skills I spent years training for. If I start giving away free massages every time someone in the family feels sore, I'd basically be working for free half the time."
"They got kind of grumpy about it and said I was being stingy, that it's just a massage and I 'should want to help family'."
"Now I'm feeling weird because I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't think it's fair to expect me to work for free just because I own the business."
"AITA for not giving my BIL a free massage?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to give my brother-in-law a free massage, even though I'm a licensed massage therapist who owns a studio."
"I might be the a**hole because he and my sister felt like I was being stingy and unhelpful by not offering my professional skills to family, especially since they saw it as something simple that wouldn't really cost me anything."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. BIL can 'help family' by paying family members for services provided." ~ stiggley
"If only he were married. Then his wife could give him a massage." ~ ReadMeDrMemory
"Yeah, I'm not asking my sibling to massage my husband even if they are licensed. Weird." ~ apothekryptic
"He wants the massage after she hosted dinner for them. They're kind of jerks, and cheapskates too." ~ YesterdaySimilar2069
"Yep, my sister is currently doing some work for me. It's work she does within her business, and it helps me with my fledging business because I don't have the contacts and skills she does (mine is not in competition, but uses a lot of the same kind of stuff)."
"I've told her to bill me. I'm visiting her in her town next week to use some of her equipment. I told them I want to take them out to dinner. I'm also planning a voucher from their favourite restaurant."
"Plus there will probably be a couple of other small things I think they'll like."
"She's using her time for me. I appreciate it." ~ regus0307
"Real family and friends don't ask for a discount! They pay full price and acknowledge the value of your time and hard work. NTA." ~ nolan358
"And if I am given a discount by a friend or family member, I am sure to tip generously. Usually enough to make up the difference so they can pocket the cash." ~ apothekryptic
"Yep. My brother has a realtor license. He has found my daughter a home and sold mine."
"He was geeked to help because he really hadn't made a career of realty and wanted to keep his skills fresh."
"He didn't ask for a commission, but got an unexpected fat envelope of cash from each of us when we closed on our houses." ~ Mental-Coconut-7854
"And he asked in a social situation. He wants OP to take time out of her wind down, social time to provide him a free service."
"This isn't a five-minute 'whats the best approach for this'? It's the difference between me, a former librarian, being asked for a recommendation for their kid versus being asked to do their book report." ~ scarlettslegacy
"Exactly! I worked with a guy years ago who had been a plumber before he switched careers and worked with me. I was doing a bathroom remodel and asked him if he'd be available to upgrade the shower by installing an anti-scald valve and upgraded fixtures."
"He did an excellent job and when I asked how much I owed, he gave me some ridiculously low figure. I explained to him that I didn't ask him to do the job to get a discount."
"I asked him to do the job because he was known for his skill and expertise. I ended up paying him about double what he initially asked and included a generous tip." ~ Critical-Test-4446
"This right here. My best friend has her massage license. Whenever I go back home to visit family. She always offers a free massage."
"She refuses money, so I end up 'getting a deal' on Penguin tickets, or I buy a crap ton of things for her Cricut. Now that she has kids going into high school I'm sure we will just trade me tutoring in science for massages." ~ otakuleprechaun
"Doesn't just go for family. It goes for friends, too."
"I love baking. It's a passion of mine that I did a culinary and pastry arts program in high school. I loved baking so much that I didn't want to get burnt out by it, so I just do it on the side as a hobby."
"Always fun when people just expect me to do cakes, cookies, cupcakes, brownies, etc, for free for their functions. OP is NTA." ~ JunpeiIori91
"Or even people who aren't friends. I love to bake, but it's just a hobby. Last year when I was team manager for my son's team, I would bake something for the boys after the game each week, and if we had leftovers, the parents were welcome to try."
"My son is now a senior and I don't manage his team. I still take baking and share with certain friends of mine there. One of the parents from last year sometimes comes running over if she sees I've got it out, thinking I'm still happy to share with all and sundry."
"I am sharing with people who are actually my friends. She is not a friend, just someone I know. It really irritates me." ~ regus0307
"This reminds me of an organization I was part of. I would always try to volunteer if they needed some baked goods for an event or whatever, working it into my calendar and making sure I had time to get it all handled and dropped off."
"Until I showed up for a meeting one time and found out the director had volunteered me to make TWELVE DOZEN cookies ('oh, and they want a variety!') for an event the very next week, right in the middle of the workweek. Shockingly, I volunteered to bake much less after that." ~ AnafromtheEastCoast
"Yes, family should never expect freebies! My older sister is an award winning pastry chef. I have a science degree."
"She refuses to let me pay for her food (I even try and go in when she's not there, but the staff won't let me pay either). I tutor my niblings for free."
"My younger sister is a lawyer. She helped with my divorce (as much as she could legally) and her kiddos have sleep overs with me a lot so she gets some down time (single mum and she won't use daycare or babysitters due to her past experiences)."
"We help each other out, nothing is expected, and everyone helps." ~ The_Boots_of_Truth
"NTA. They can f*ck right off with that. I'm a hair stylist and I don't work for free either." ~ Vegetable_Pea_870
"You are not the a**hole. They are. Do they ask their accountant cousin to do their taxes for free? Their painter uncle to paint their house for free?" ~ DefiantRadish1492
"Throughout your life you will run into all sorts of people who believe that they are entitled to something of yours, just because you have it and they think they deserve it."
"That doesn't mean they're actually entitled to it. They're just trying to rationalize why it's okay for them to demand and manipulate the situation, trying to get you to feel that fictional 'obligation' and give in." ~ oliviamrow
"The whole stingy comment is hilarious, when they're stingy themselves expecting to have things for free because family. If they're not the stingy ones, go pay for massages! You're allowed to say 'no'. Simple as that." ~ Melodic_Melodic
As the saying goes, no is a complete sentence.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp