New moms frequently get shamed for breastfeeding, specifically because it involves a body part that frequently gets a lot of other attention in the media.
While it might be okay to not want to see a mom breastfeeding, it’s not okay to shame her for doing it or to sexualize the act of feeding her baby, pointed out the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit. It’s easy enough to just look away!
Redditor CompleteEnthusiasm28 was a new mom and had decided to breastfeed her son, but she frequently was criticized by her parents-in-law for being too “public” and “revealing” while doing so.
When they went so far as to criticize her in her own home, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t know what to do.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for breastfeeding my son around my father-in-law (FIL) despite him getting upset?”
The OP added some context.
“I (23F) recently had my first child and have been breastfeeding. I don’t use a cover because my baby doesn’t like it. My husband’s parents have commented in the past about my breastfeeding, saying I don’t need to be doing it in public, “distracting” and “showing myself” to people other than my husband, because it can wait until I can do it privately at home.”
“The issue recently happened when my FIL came over to visit. He made a comment to my husband that I managed to overhear about how my top was showing a lot. I did notice him glancing down there a few times. I wasn’t wearing anything revealing really – just a normal top – but I do have a bigger chest, and a little skin was visible.”
“I know my husband’s parents don’t like me nursing around them or near them. My husband had asked me previously if I could do it in my room so as not to cause a fuss when they’re over. I was nursing in my room upstairs that day, but I was getting tired (I haven’t been getting much sleep, taking care of my baby), constantly going upstairs, and my baby was hungry.”
“They were all busy outside and I was in the living room alone. I pulled my top down a little and started nursing my baby, but then my FIL came back into the room after coming back in the house, and looked right at me and huffed a little.”
“My husband and MIL followed him into the room, and she said, “You don’t have to do that here, do you?” to which I didn’t really know how to respond. My FIL, who moved more into the room in front of me and was looking right at my chest, muttered under his breath, “I’ll just start walking around with my junk out, huh”.
“My MIL told me to take it to my room so her husband didn’t have to ‘see it all hanging out’ and she motioned to her chest. I was just looking back at them, not knowing what to say. I kind of froze and just continued breastfeeding my son, and they just stood there watching like they were expecting me to move, and I just felt exposed and shy, wishing I had just done it in my room.”
“My husband got them to calm down, and eventually, his parents left the room with a little huff. My husband went and got me a glass of water. It got a little awkward after that. I’m not really confrontational, and for the rest of that day until they left, I just went to my room quietly to do it.”
They’ve commented like this before, and it’s hurt my confidence, for example, in breastfeeding in public. I really didn’t mean anything and was just trying to feed my son.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that feeding her baby was not the same as being “revealing.”
“NTA. You are not flaunting your bare breasts; you are feeding a baby.”
“Next time they say something, reply by saying, ‘My breasts are for feeding my child, not for your sexual enjoyment. If you can’t handle that, you need to remove yourself as I will not make myself or my baby uncomfortable because you can’t avert your gaze.'” – Extra-Visit-8385
“The OP should say, ‘It seems like you’re pretty bothered by seeing a baby get fed, and since that’s going to be happening on baby’s timeline for the foreseeable future, you’d better leave. Maybe we can try visiting again once she’s transitioned off milk. They don’t recommend doing that until about a year old, so it’ll be a while. Bye!'” – abishop711
“She should ask them why they are sexualizing OP feeding her baby, because I don’t see how feeding otherwise would be uncomfortable for them.” – Piffli
“‘You don’t have to do that here, do you?’ Do what? Feed your baby? In yours and the baby’s own home?”
“Who the f**k do these people think they are? NTA, but I would stop inviting these weirdos over.” – keatonpotat0es
“Back in the day when I was nursing, I once had someone who had the temerity to tell me while I was feeding my child that ‘you need to go into the restroom to do that.'”
“I was in a casual restaurant, eating with one hand, and feeding my baby with the other. I just looked the woman right in the eye and said, ‘I don’t know how you do things in your family, but in my family, eating in the bathroom just ISN’T done.'” – HoneyedVinegar42
Others urged the OP to talk to her husband and make sure he was on her side.
“OP, next time if I were you, I would say, ‘Oh right, I forgot how bothered you are by this. Well, I’ll probably be another 10 minutes, so you can step out. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come back in.'”
“The OP was totally in the right, especially since she had settled there because MIL and FIL were outside with her husband. They are just hateful. They should be thanking her for taking such good care of their grandchild. This is her home and they need to chill out.”
“She is exhausted and doing her best, and all they can do is criticize her. Awful people but the worst part of this is that her husband needs to (and should’ve already) shut them down. He should have told them that his wife is the QUEEN in their home and if they make one more smart a** remark they won’t be invited over again until they can truly apologize and never talk that way to her again.”
“The husband needs to take this responsibility during this most challenging time of parenting, and she is responsible for the majority of it. OP, please help him understand the need for him to fully back you by not allowing one more nasty remark out of his parents without kicking them out.” – Agile_Menu_9776
“OP has a husband problem. He should have told them to leave! If they have issues with her feeding their grandchild, they don’t need to see him or be around him. They can kick rocks until after he’s weaned, and honestly, maybe even then.” – TieNervous9815
“It sounds like not only is the OP’s husband unwilling to stand up to his parents, but he’s one of them. It’s disgusting.”
“The divorce sounds inevitable. If he can’t defend his wife feeding his child, this isn’t going to be the only time he throws her under the bus.” – res06myi
“Going forward, the OP should use any and all of these phrases, and they would be super easy for her husband to paraphrase and use, as well, as he SHOULD.”
‘I’m feeding my child in my own home. If you have a problem with it, leave.'”
“‘You don’t think parents should feed their children?'”
“‘A polite person would just look away, or leave the room if they really felt uncomfortable.'”
“‘Are you intentionally trying to out yourself as a pervert who must stare at any breast they see? Seems like you have a problem if you aren’t able to control yourself.'”
“‘Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware you hadn’t been educated on the human body and didn’t know the purpose of the breasts is to feed a baby.'” – believehype1616
“I think the easiest suggestion is until the OP stops breastfeeding, they don’t see the kid. That way their delicate sensibilities won’t be offended. I seriously wouldn’t invite them over.”
“And I wouldn’t bring the baby to see them, either. If they don’t understand how babies are fed, they shouldn’t be around them.”
“And if my father-in-law can’t keep his eyes to himself, I would never be around him again.”
“I would just say, ‘I’m exhausted and FEEDING my baby. If you don’t like it, then get the f**k out of my house. You don’t have to be here, after all. We do. If feeding my child is so offensive to you, get out. Don’t let my door hit your a** on the way out. I like my door.'”
“And also, all of these same rules apply to the OP’s husband if he cannot grow up and support his wife and child in the most basic human way possible.” – Viperbunny
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated by her parents-in-law but also by the silence of her husband. It seemed if the parents-in-law couldn’t wrap their minds around how the OP was providing a basic human need to her baby in the way that was best for her and her baby, they didn’t need to be around their grandchild.
And if the husband couldn’t support his wife and child, maybe he didn’t need to be around his baby, either.