White for weddings and for the bride only isn’t a universal rule.
Different cultures have different traditions, but for places where a white dress is for the bride, anyone else wearing ond is either an ironic take the couple getting married have chosen to engage in.
Or it’s someone being tacky, rude, and attention seeking.
A bride to be turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother decided to wear a white gown to her daughter’s wedding.
Lonely-Big7902 asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my mom wear white to my wedding, even though she claims it’s her ‘last chance’ to feel beautiful?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I just turned 23 and I’m getting married in October. My mom and I have always had what I would refer to as rocky relationship, especially since I got engaged.”
“She’s been oddly competitive, commenting on my body, comparing our rings, like we are in a competition, saying things like ‘this day is as much about me as it is about you’.”
“I honestly thought she was joking, until she showed me the dress she bought, a white, floor length gown that looks exactly like a bridal dress. And I I told her, flat out, she cannot wear that because in my opinion it doesn’t match the occasion.”
“She got quiet, then burst into tears, saying it’s her, ‘and this was an opportunity to feel beautiful before getting old’ and that I’m selfish for not letting her have this one thing.”
“I felt really bad about this, so I also offered to go shopping with her to find something elegant and more appropriate.”
“And all of a sudden her countenance changed, and then she told me I was controlling and ungrateful.”
“My dad is a story for another day. My mom is the only family I have now, and it breaks my heart that she wouldn’t be at my wedding because of something so trivial.”
“I don’t know what to say to my in-laws as to why she won’t come, especially because she’s my only family.”
“What gave me peace was that my fiancé backed me up, as did my maid of honor.”
“Now my mom is threatening not to come to the wedding, and my aunt says I should just ‘let her have this’ to avoid drama.”
“I don’t think I’m wrong for drawing a line here, but now part of me wonders if AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my mom she can’t wear a white, bridal-looking dress to my wedding, even though she says it’s her last chance to feel beautiful.”
“I might be the a**hole because I’m not compromising, and now she might not come to the wedding.”
“Maybe I’m being too rigid or making it about control rather than kindness.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Your mother is extremely manipulative. Take her up on that offer to skip your wedding. NTA.” ~ pudah_et
“I’m a mom and a grandma. No WONDER you have a rocky relationship. She’s a narcissist who has you so damn gaslit you don’t see the forest for the trees. Or the bridal for the gown.”
“Don’t let your aunt gaslight you either!”
“Frankly, if they’re pulling sh*t like this now, I say don’t invite either of them to the wedding. And be REALLY clear as to why.”
“Because, no, MOM. This day is NOT as much about you as it is your daughter. What the actual f*ck?” ~ Realistic-Weird-4259
“The Aunt is the Flying Monkey. The one that defends and enables the narcissist. Some will even lie/attack/demean/dehumanize/gaslit on behalf of the narcissist. Crazymaking crap.” ~ FeRaL–KaTT
“Spot on with this. Mom is a raging Narcissist. She’s competing with her own daughter for the spotlight on her wedding day. I’d recognize this behavior anywhere – my own mother did it to me.”
“Thankfully, the photographer pulled me aside and said ‘Your mom is in a very tight, very low-cut dress… Would you like me to fake taking some pictures of her and really just keep her out of the shots?’
“And that worked! She thought she was the star of the show, but in reality there are maybe five pictures with her in them.”
“I was so thankful because my mom had shown me the dress a few weeks before and I’d told her it wasn’t appropriate. I knew as soon as the photographer came in, that she’d decided to wear it anyway.”
“Aside from the fact I booked a garden wedding, and it RAINED all day, everything else was great! We actually just celebrated our 12yr. anniversary.” ~ Discount_Mithral
“It’s not her last chance, you can dress her in white at her funeral.” ~ leginnameloc
“This is not her last chance to wear a wedding dress. It’s her current opportunity to wear a wedding dress to a wedding.”
“But it isn’t her wedding, so it’s totally inappropriate, and she has daily opportunities to wear a wedding dress when it’s inappropriate for the occasion.”
“She can wear it to the grocery store, to church, the zoo, a restaurant, a bar, on a flight or a cross country train ride—all equally inappropriate as wearing a wedding dress to her daughter’s wedding.”
“She just doesn’t like your being the center of attention; that’s why she wants to wear it.”
“And not only would she look equally as foolish wearing a wedding dress to your wedding as she would wearing it to any of the above places, she would also look like she’s jealous of her daughter and pathetically competitive with her.”
“People will judge her as a person and as a mother.” ~ ibuycheeseonsale
“NTA – Stop negotiating with her. Stop problem-solving for her. Set a clear boundary and hold the line.”
“Tell her that a guest wearing white is inappropriate and that you would have her removed from the wedding if she does so. And call her bluff. ‘I’m sorry you’re unwilling to come. I’ll let the guests know why’.”
“And make sure you control the narrative. Tell the bridal party, ‘My mom is not coming because I veto-ed her wearing a WHITE gown. If she shows up in white, please escort her back out as quietly and quickly as you can’.”
“This is HER DECISION. Not a need. Not something to discuss and negotiate. She is making a decision to disrespect you. Time for a shiny spine OP.” ~ Bingo_Bongo_85
“Take it from someone who didn’t stop negotiating and problem solving, and a) didn’t get the wedding I wanted and b) had their mother literally wear their wedding dress from their own wedding three months prior to their wedding. (It wasn’t white, it was pale green, but there was a lot of overlap in guests so everyone knew anyway.)” ~ MiddlePop4953
“NTA. Has your mother always been this manipulative? You have no duty to let her upstage you at your own wedding just so she can feel ‘beautiful’. What’s next, she gets to take the honeymoon with your husband?” ~ GOPsucksA$$
“Not a single mother who is mentally and emotionally stable sees her child’s wedding as her ‘last chance to feel beautiful before getting old’.”
“Stand your ground. She can either come to your wedding in an appropriate Mother-of-the-Bride dress and not center herself & her emotions OR she can simply not attend.”
“Attending your wedding in a white gown/wedding dress is not an option for her. Inform her that security will see her out if she does so.”
“With a mother like this, you will need to have solid boundaries in place and stick to them.”
“I am sorry that you don’t have a stable, unselfish, and kind mother in your life.” ~ Helloreddit0703
“You have many petty options.”
“Arrange for all the guests to wear white (don’t tell mom)—invite people to don their wedding dresses to give ‘everyone a chance to be pretty’.”
“Choose a non-traditional dress color. Have all the bride’s party in white and have a pink, blush, or blue gown.”
“Hire security and when she tries to enter, have security politely explain she ‘must have the wrong venue as there is a bride here already’ act shocked and surprised she is also getting married!”
“Invite MIL to also wear a white formal gown, and act shocked when your own mother throws a fit for ‘not being special’.”
“Hire a clumsy friend to accidentally spill blue Kool-Aid, red wine, or mt dew down the back of her dress. Oops!”
“You can really get creative here.” ~ Jane-Austen-101
“OP I’m telling you, do not let her come. You can look at my post history, my mom got married the weekend before me and then turned my wedding into her honeymoon.”
“She will make everything about herself. I wish I had listened to all the people telling me to uninvite my mom.”
“I was fully no contact for about 9 months, but a month ago I sent her a long email about all the terrible things she’s done to me, and haven’t heard back. She had been emailing me incessantly since that was the only thing I forgot to block her on.”
“She was having her husband’s relatives stalk my TikTok since it’s not private, and I share some of my crochet projects there. And she hacked my sister’s phone to see pictures of my daughter.”
“The only thing she cares about is having access to my child. Everything she says is ‘me me me’, ‘I’ll never get this time back’, ‘nothing I did to you was so bad for you to be this cruel to me and keep my grandchild from me’, blah blah blah.”
“My guess is she couldn’t cope with the facts from my email and is just writing me off as one of those kids that cut their parents off for no reason.” ~ HortiWhore
If mom decides her desperate need for attention is more important than her child’s happiness, it’s probably best she sit this one out.