Weddings and wedding guests.
That can be quite a conundrum.
A lesson in life… it’s best to really know the people in your wedding party.
It’s a bit chaotic when true colors start flying out right before the I Do’s.
Case in point…
Redditor aitabridesmaiddrama wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for kicking the bridesmaid off my destination wedding the day before the event?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This happened a while ago but the person involved reached out for an apology from me, yet I don’t believe I did anything wrong.”
“Short background: I have a best friend, Nya, who is Black and comes from one of the least developed countries in Central Africa.”
“I know and have loved her for many years.”
“So when planning my wedding I didn’t have any doubts that she’ll be my maid of honor.”
“I invited another girl, Jane, who I knew for not that long but we were quite close to be one of my bridesmaids.”
“Due to all my friends living in different countries, Nya and Jane only met for the first time the day before my wedding, which they both have traveled to attend.”
“The night before the wedding, we had a lovely time with the girls but then Jane started to ask Nya really strange questions.”
“Like do they really eat insects and live in huts, which was, yes, strange but also can be seen as a curiosity of another country.”
“But as the evening progressed Jane’s behavior did as well.”
“Jane ended up telling Nya a story about some beggar she has seen, referring to him by the N-word.”
“That’s when I decided to intervene, got Jane in private and asked in what world she thought she can talk like this, let alone to Nya.”
“She became defensive and quoting – ‘Nya is not the n-word, she is so pretty and clean, I was talking about that guy.'”
“After telling her off and explaining what kind of a racist a** she is, in much ruder form, I asked her to leave and to not show up on my wedding, as well as never talk to me again.”
“Last night she reached out expecting an apology and a payback for the flights she took for my wedding.”
“Which I really doubt I should do as I’m still very angry with her.”
“I don’t want to discuss it with my friends.”
“So please Reddit tell me if AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“There aren’t very many things that can justify kicking out a bridesmaid who flew at her own expense to your wedding.”
“That’s a high bar to clear.”
“She sailed right over it with the racism. NTA.” ~epostiler
“I was terrified starting to read this and thought Nya had reacted to Jane’s racism and OP had nixed Nya (which happens sooooo often, ugh).”
“I’m so glad that OP defended her friend and responded appropriately to the racism.”
“OP doesn’t owe Jane an apology or any money.” ~ intentamos_de_nuevo
“Jane’s racist actions were unacceptable.”
“If I were OP, I would double down and explain to her that she owed Nya an apology, her racism was unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.”
“And a relationship with her is unwanted due to her horrendous behavior.”
“If Jane continues to act up, I would then tell her to go to small claims court or post about her horrible comments online if she wishes.”
“And let a judge and the general public decide if her racism warranted an apology.” ~ Electrical-Date-3951
“NTA as a black man you don’t owe her s**t.”
“People with that mind frame are the problem we have in this world from both sides.”
“That mentally I just can’t comprehend.”
“Nya is more patient than I would’ve been if I was her.” ~ blackelite82
“I just don’t understand why Jane is fixated on Nya being pretty.”
“Like telling her she’s pretty makes up for using a racist slur, specifically a slur against people of Nya’s race, even if it wasn’t used directly about Nya?”
“I mean best I can guess, Jane thinks the n-word has some connotation of ugly/unclean?”
“It’s all very bizarre, and I’d be interested to learn what countries you and Jane are from, if different.” ~ eugenesnewdream
“It’s a really high bar and somehow Jane found a way to clear it with TONS of leeway.”
“Tell her: We do not negotiate with bigots. NTA.” ~ LimitlessMegan
“Seconding this NTA.”
“Don’t pay a penny to Jane.”
“She’s still got a holiday for however long in a destination location (I dunno where, but I’m sure it’s nice enough to have a wedding in).” ~ Emotional-Ebb8321
“NTA – that was horribly racist and you did good by standing by Nya!”
“The ex-friend should have used travel insurance or something, or just used the tickets for an impromptu vacation of her own.”
“You don’t owe her anything for that.”
“Atrocious behaviour, meet the natural consequences!” ~ Aggressive_Cloud2002
“NTA. Jane‘s behavior was wildly out of line and if you looked the other way you would’ve only been enabling it.”
“An offense that serious deserves a serious response.”
“Is this the first time you’ve ever seen Jane behave/talk like this before?” ~ FreeTheWelder
OP came back with some thoughts…
“To be honest, looking back I think I should have picked up some off things about her before.”
“Like when I shared that my brother is adopted she said – thanks God your parents are not like Angelina Jolie, and adopted from their own culture.”
“I thought it was a weird thing to say, but took it as acknowledging different people experiences and it would be difficult to raise a child whose experience would be very different from our own.”
“But seriously, looking back, I should have asked her to collaborate and avoided all that was yet to come.”
“We used to live close by and went to a language course together.”
“So even though we met almost daily we weren’t close enough to ever discuss anything remotely deep to let me really see her for who she is.”
Reddit continued…
“As an African, I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked by wide-eyed white people such stupid questions.”
“‘You guys live in trees? Omg you came here on a plane, I thought you didn’t have electricity!!!'”
“NTA. Nya is a kinder woman than I would’ve been.” ~ Talisa87
“I’m Korean, and when I was in college, my mom sent me a care package from Korea, which had various Korean sweets, including some chocolate bars.”
“I shared it all with my dorm mates, and this white girl actually asked me if ‘they have chocolate in Korea??'”
“Like, yes *itch, obviously.”
“Otherwise why would I be giving you this bar of Korean chocolate?”
“We have paved roads and running water too.”
“And I can’t tell you how many people asked me if I was from North or South Korea.”
“I FEEL you!!” ~ IlexAquifolia
“Info: where is Jane from!?!?”
“She’s inexcusably rude and racist.”
“I’m just gobsmacked that she was so causally referring to anyone as the n word and confused about where she possibly could’ve picked those behaviors and beliefs?”
“And to have the audacity to defend her actions is inexcusable.”
“Are her parents just also horrible humans?” ~ Dr_slave_princess
“NTA. I love that she wants an apology from you.”
“She’s making the racists comments and yet somehow you’re in the wrong.”
“She got what she deserved.”
“The sad thing is that she still just doesn’t get that what she said was wrong.” ~ SatelliteBeach123
OP came back with more thoughts…
“Read all your comments, thank you all for your input.”
“I couldn’t have imagined that so many people would be here.”
“So I just responded to Jane that I have thought about everything and decided to not reimburse her nor willing to apologize.”
“And copied one commenter’s words and said that her flight cost was an ‘a**hole tax.'”
“I did sent her link to this post, maybe she’ll read through and perhaps see where I’m coming from, maybe it’ll even help her to do better in the future.
“I’m certain that Jane has read this post as she hasn’t responded to me.”
“Yet had messaged Nya to say that she was sorry and didn’t realize that her language was offensive to her.”
“As well as said that she believes Nya to be super pretty, (quoting “’ike a supermodel’).”
“And she wad very nice and she (Jane) didn’t want to offend her.”
“While on a call with me, Nya was laughing a lot over this apology as it is just a really weird way to apologize also a few years late.”
“I haven’t told Nya about this post nor that Jane reached out to me beforehand.”
“So I guess that the end to this story.”
Well OP, it looks like Reddit is onboard with you.
Jane has some serious issues to work out.
You did what needed to be done.
Time to move forward.