Grandparents can have a variety of titles based on family traditions, language, and culture.
But what if a grandparent demands to be called a title reserved for a parent?
A new mother turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her mother-in-law’s demands.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Easy_Historian_3528 asked:
“AITAH for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) I don’t want my daughter calling her ‘mama’?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My MIL has two grandkids (age 3 and 5) to my sister-in-law, and they call her ‘mama’ instead of grandma, nanna, etc…”
“I’ve always thought this would make me uncomfortable and now that I have a 7-month-old daughter, I cringe when my MIL says ‘come to mama’.”
“Today I built up the courage to tell her that I’m not comfortable with my daughter calling her that, as I am her mama, and often when babies say their first words, mama is one of them.”
“She argued back, saying that my daughter can call me Mum and Mummy, but that she is mama. I feel really disrespected because I thought my being uncomfortable would be all the justification needed.”
“I feel as though she shouldn’t be telling me what my daughter can call me.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
“She says because the other grandkids call her mama, that my daughter needs to too. I said I’m happy with any other special name, just not mama.”
The OP later added:
“We are currently staying in her home for a holiday with her and the rest of the family. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow to go back to our own home.”
“She would be thrilled if she was mistaken for being my baby’s/her other grandkids’ mum. I believe she is in denial that she is getting older.”
“100% I think her vanity/aging is driving it. After the confrontation/discussion she did a full face of makeup and her hair despite it being evening and having no plans, and stormed out of the house.”
“My husband agrees with me and he initiated the conversation with her. He actually jokingly referred to her as ‘grandma’ to which she responded ‘f*ck off, I’m mama’ which started the conversation that I had been meaning to have for months.”
“I’m very nonconfrontational and a people pleaser, but this is something I’m not comfortable with and I don’t want to cave.”
“I did say no, as did my husband. I said that I’m not going to be told what my daughter is allowed to call me (she told me I’m Mum and Mummy, but not Mama).”
“I also corrected her when she tried to tell me mama means ‘grandmother’ in Māori—it doesn’t. I said I am happy with literally any other name, but not mama.”
“We are in New Zealand and mama isn’t standard here as a name for grandmother and actually the Māori (her heritage) translation for ‘mum’ is māmā.”
“She cried and stormed off before I could say anything further/explain my rationale (although based on what people have said, I agree I shouldn’t need to).”
“I talked to my sister-in-law (mother of her other grandkids) about it. She says she allows it only because she knows her mum would throw a fit if she disputed it and she needs her help with childcare (everyone in the family tiptoes around my MIL over various issues).”
“She got quite heated and asked me if her other two grandkids are ‘allowed’ to call her mama, but they are not my children, so it doesn’t concern me in the slightest and feels like a moot point.”
“My husband is on my side and incredibly supportive! His grandparents are Nanna and Poppa (very common grandparent names where we live).”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to indulge her mother-in-law’s insecurity and vanity (NTA).
“NTA. Correct her every time with ‘grandmama’. Call her grandmama to your baby. If she continues to say ‘come to mama’ then you say ‘here I am, come to your mama!’ and take your baby.”
“My boys both called me mama when they were little, too. It’s not a typical grandparent name. Mama is equivalent to mum and mummy, so she can choose something else. She is overstepping hard here, and it’s weird.” ~ Weak-Mycologist-4511
“NTA, cousins call their grandparents different names from each other all the time. In fact my partner’s grandkids call him something different because the in-laws got his preferred name with his first grandchild.”
“You’re absolutely entitled to first dibs on what daughter calls you, but I don’t know what you do about ‘Mama’ not accepting it.” ~ 1111Ace
“I bet your SIL (her daughter) hates that your MIL has her kids calling her Mama. She probably doesn’t know how to stand up to her mom.”
“Honestly, it is creepy that your MIL even wants the ‘Mama’ title for herself and that she wants to steal your baby’s milestone first word for herself. I’m thrilled to hear your husband has your back!”
“This is a VERY reasonable boundary to have with your MIL. Always remember, you cannot control her. The only thing you can control is how you respond to her antics.”
“My advice is for your husband to set clear consequences to her poor choices. If you (do annoying thing) then we will (do whatever needs to happen).”
“And be super consistent. When inevitably she kicks off, don’t feed into her drama. Just give her lots of time outs. She may or may not come around, but that’s HER choice….one only she can control.”
“Give her a reasonable amount of time to retrain her brain and nervous system. If she doesn’t improve an inch, you may need to go low or no contact.”
“As a fellow people pleaser, I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and your baby!” ~ Ema630
“NTA. Restrict visits and don’t let her see your child unsupervised. Call her grandma to your child at every opportunity. Drum it in. Put it on repeat.”
“When you do see her, stay with them. Grandma, grandma to everything on repeat.”
“If she dares say ‘come to mama’ you stand up and correct her, say ‘Grandma. I’m mama and you’d better remember it. It’s time for us to leave. Say bye to grandma’.”
“Show her you mean it and she complies or she doesn’t see you.” ~ LouieAvalonMac
“I read something the other day about boundaries that I found interesting and I think might help you.”
“When you set a boundary, you shouldn’t tell the other person what to do. You tell the other person if they cross your boundaries, what you will do/what the consequences will be. Eg: You say ‘if you call yourself Mama to my daughter, I will correct you and we will leave’.”
“If she does it anyway, you follow through. Every single time, no exceptions, not for Christmas, not for a birthday party.”
“If she continues to cross your boundaries, then that tells you what you need to know about how much respect she has for you and you can act accordingly.” ~ BackgroundLetter8883
People also called BS on the mother-in-law’s misinformation.
“Hi, as a New Zealander, kuia is the name for grandmother in Māori, not mama. Mama isn’t used much over here, but would be used for mother not for a grandmother. Sometimes karani (granny) is used as well.” ~ random_form
“OP should tell MIL the baby can call her ‘Kuia’ or ‘Karani’ since she clearly needs a little education about what the proper terminology is. NTA.” ~ Right_Meow26
“Yeah, as a New Zealander that is just an outright lie. Mama is not the Maori word for grandmother. It’s not even close.” ~ coffnz
“If she is Māori, then she should be Kui, Nana or Nan. This would really piss me off. I’m a New Zealander too (and Māori). I’m Māmā to my kids, because I’m their MOTHER.” ~ IamErica_07
“Stay firm. Anytime she says mama, correct her. Tell her you are mama and she needs to accept that’s she’s grandma now.”
“If she continues to disrespect you, you limit her seeing your daughter. That’s my policy. Disrespect my authority when it comes to my son, and you’re just pushing yourself further away from him.”
“Tell her, ‘now he won’t call you grandma either eventually one day because you’ll see her so little she won’t even know who you are’.” ~ mrbeastingmode
“I’m sure you know this, but you need to work on the people-pleasing tendency as a mother. You don’t want to teach your daughter to be that way, and you will need to stand up to people on her behalf throughout her childhood. Think of this as an exercise in shining up your spine!” ~ FoxyOcelot
“You’re a mom now, so it’s time to start kicking the nonconfrontational people-pleaser to the curb and start uncaging your inner tiger mom.”
“Your child is young now, but the sooner you start modeling how to be confident and assertively stand up for yourself and your family, the better mom you will be for your child and her own future friendships/relationships.”
“Assertively standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you have to be rude, one can be polite and firm with boundaries at the same time! It does take practice, I admit.”
“After all, the definition of ‘nonconfrontational people-pleaser’ is ‘doormat’ … I’m sure you don’t want your child to model that!”
“You got this, mama! Also, NTA.” ~ Greygal_Eve
OP and her husband are the parents.
Ultimately, grandma can respect their decisions or not see her granddaughter.
That choice is hers to make.