We all have places that don’t have the happiest associates with us.
Places where we found ourselves in sad and vulnerable situations.
As a result, we do our best to avoid going to these places as much as possible.
Sometimes, however, we find ourselves obligated to go to these unhappy places, much to our dismay.
The daughter of Redditor Particular-Wish-1761 was elated to be getting married at the venue she had dreamed of having her wedding her whole life.
Unfortunately, this dream wedding venue was a place the original poster (OP)’s sister had a less-than-happy association with.
When the OP’s sister asked if they could find another venue, however, the OP flatly refused.
After getting blowback from some of her family, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not changing my daughter’s wedding venue even though my sister’s husband proposed to his 22-year-old mistress there last month?”
The OP explained why her sister begged her to change her daughter’s wedding venue, and why she refused:
“I (51 F[emale]) put down a $20K non-refundable deposit on this gorgeous beachfront estate for my daughter, let’s call her Amy’s (26 F), wedding next September.”
“We booked it 18 months out.”
“For context, and without revealing too much, it’s THE venue in our area, and it has been Amy’s dream wedding spot in all of her pinterest boards.”
“Last month, my sister — let’s call her Carol (53 F) — found out her cheating ex-husband — let’s call him Mark (55 M[ale]) — proposed to his coworker (28 F – she was 22 when they started having an affair) who he had been having an affair with.”
“The woman posted engagement photos from the same venue.”
“Specifically the beautiful beach area where Amy plans to have her ceremony.”
“Carol is obviously destroyed.”
“She called me sobbing, begging me to change venues.”
“Says she can’t watch Amy get married where Mark proposed to a girl younger than his own daughter.”
“Can’t smile for photos on THAT beach.”
“I feel sick for her.”
“I do.”
“But:”
“$20K non-refundable deposit.”
“Save-the-dates already sent.”
“Amy’s dreamed of this venue since high school.”
“Everything else is booked or 3x the price.”
“I told Carol I can’t lose $20K and crush Amy’s dreams because Mark is trash.”
“Carol says I’m choosing money over her mental health.”
“That I’m forcing her to relive the worst betrayal of her life for ‘pretty pictures’.”
“I also talked to Amy about it and she does not want a venue change.”
“That it’s not her fault Mark — who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years — ruined that place for Carol.”
“Carol called Amy a ‘spoiled brat who wouldn’t understand real pain’.”
“Now Carol’s skipping Thanksgiving.”
“My and carol’s side of the family (her daughters and to some extent, my parents) says I’m heartless.”
“The place is cursed anyway, why should we host Amy’s big day there.”
“My husband’s side of the family says Carol doesn’t get to hijack Amy’s wedding because her husband’s a cheater.”
“AITA for not switching venues?”
The OP later returned with a slight update, including an unexpected proposition from Carol and clarifying a bit how things unfolded:
“Carol is willing to pay Amy the $20,000 nonrefundable deposit – essentially paying Amy NOT to host her wedding at that venue.”
“I’m guessing Carol is using her alimony money for this.”
“Amy is deeply unhappy with Carol.”
“To her, even with the $20,000 being covered, finding a new venue and reorganizing everything would be a huge hassle.”
“I’m on team Amy, but I feel like i’m losing half my family over this.”
“Timeline clarification:”
“I booked and paid a $20,000 nonrefundable deposit for Amy’s dream wedding venue 18 months ago.”
“Carol’s ex-husband had an affair with a woman (who was 22 when it started 5 years ago, now 28).”
“He just proposed to the mistress a month ago at this same unfortunate venue.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to change wedding venues.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s daughter was the only one who should have any say in where she got married, and that Carol needed to get over herself and move on with her life:
“‘Who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years’.”
“Carol has had five years – it is sad that the wounds are fresh and deep, but it isn’t your daughter’s issue to repair.”
“NTA.”- tosser9212
“NTA.”
“If Carol can’t bring herself to go to that spot, that’s sad.”
“But that’s all it is.”
“There’s no need for you to lose your money, or for your daughter to lose the venue she wants.”-ScarletNotThatOne
“NTA.”
“I didn’t even really need to go past ’20k non-refundable DEPOSIT’— in this economy, I wouldn’t let $20 slide let alone 1000x that amount.”
“NTA.”- fingernailchewer
“NTA.”
“Carol need therapy.”
“She has been divorced for 5 years and can’t get over it.”
“Then she thinks she has the right to order you and your daughter to change wedding plans.”
“Nope.”
“Solution is easy.”
“Carol is uninvited from the wedding.”
“If my sister called my daughter those names because my daughter didn’t want to cancel her wedding plan and wanted me to lose $20000 because sister can’t move past a 5 year old divorce then I will never have contact with my sister again.”- Adventurous_Fee9311
“NTA.”
“Carol needs to get over it.”
“This is her EX husband , who is clearly a dirtbag.”
“Is she going to stay away from every place he goes to?”
“And tell her to stop following the GF on social media…..and get some therapy.”- DawgMom67
“NTA.”
“What carol’s been through is terrible but when it comes to your daughters wedding carol’s feelings are not the priority.”
“Plus the venue was booked before any of this happened.”
“If she chooses not to go that’s OK but you and your daughter do not need to lose out on 20k and reorganize the entire wedding for her.”
“She’s being very unreasonable.”
“Don’t screw yourself over for this.”- Gaberahamj
“NTA.”
“The wedding is 18 months away.”
“Carol needs to work on her mental health between now and then.”
“When her ex has a baby at a local hospital, will everyone have to use a different hospital?”
“She’s in pain now, but she will need to heal, otherwise she will be miserable.”- Fragrant-Hyena9522
“NTA.”
“I can’t get over that it’s been 5 years.”
“5 years.”
“I get that it might still hurt, but Carol is acting as if this happened yesterday.”
“Maybe get some therapy, Carol.”- owaikeia
“NTA.”
“Carol needs to get a grip and realize she’s not the star on everyone else’s stage.”
“If she chooses not to attend, so be it.”- SlinkyMalinky20
“NTA, it sounds like Carol has a year to get over it or send her regrets.”- PumpkinChipCookies
“Hell no.”
“NTA.”
“You can’t help what her ex did and what she’s asking is ridiculous.”
“If she can’t deal with it fine, but thats not your’s or your daughter’s issue.”- keesouth
“NO!”
“YOU ARE NOT FLUSHING AWAY 20K!”
“NTA!”
“Tell her to not come if it’s that bad or reimburse you.”
“Also any family members supporting her are dingdongs.”
“Also be careful that some of these family members might bring it up during the wedding.”
“I would cut anyone out of the wedding who you think would have the balls to do that.”-nighthawks87
“NTA.”
“Your sister doesn’t have to come.”
“You and your daughter shouldn’t be penalized for her ex’s decisions.”- FunBodybuilder4620
“NTA.”
“This is a really tough spot but if it’s your daughter’s wedding, and this is her dream location, she should have her wedding there.”
“Very sad that Carol may need to miss it, but maybe with time and therapy it might give some perspective and allow her to cope.”- RefrigeratorFun4676
“NTA.”
“I have sympathy for Carol but it’s not her wedding, it’s her niece’s wedding.”
“If she can’t bring herself to come that’s a legitimate choice, but she doesn’t have the right to make you forfeit tens of thousands of dollars to alleviate her pain.”- Araveni
“NTA.”
“Tell your sister that you totally understand if she chooses not to attend…and don’t guilt her if she follows through.”- Chatkat57
“NTA.”
“Your sister needs to get a grip.”
“Did she change supermarkets because her and her husband used to shop there together?”
“Don’t tell her she needs to get a grip though.”
“Tell her you sympathize, but you’re not losing $20K.”
“Also, try to convince her that changing venues or her not coming would be ‘letting him win’.”
It’s easy to understand why Carol is so uneasy about going to this particular venue.
Even so, it doesn’t give her the right to demand that her niece not get married in the literal venue of her dreams.
Then, too, had Carol moved on with her own life and not been so invested in her ex-husband’s, she might not have even known about this unfortunate association.