It’s absolutely understandable that when someone announces they are pregnant, their family members are going to be excited about their new addition-to-be.
But that doesn’t give them the right to step in and overshadow the future parents’ plans, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor xEarthyBeanx was very excited to welcome their first baby into the world, and they were even excited to involve their family in the planning.
But when her grandmother-in-law tried to take over all the planning and make the event about herself, the Original Poster (OP) felt new boundaries needed to be set.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for shutting down my grandmother-in-law after she tried to turn MY baby shower into HER baby shower?”
The OP was uncomfortable with how demanding and entitled her grandmother-in-law was.
“I need your thoughts. Half of me thinks it’s my pregnancy hormones, but the regulated part of me believes I have a right to be P**SED.”
“So my boyfriend’s grandma is very controlling. My mom, my grandma, and three of my aunts are planning my baby shower.”
“She has been calling my boyfriend, saying she wants to help. I said, ‘Okay, you can help with food,’ (she’s a great cook) and I thought that was that.”
“She’s been calling my boyfriend the past few weeks, naming off people I HAVE to invite to the shower. Fine.”
“But then she starts naming off people I’ve never met, let alone my boyfriend, who hasn’t or doesn’t even speak to.”
“We told her no, and that we don’t want people we haven’t met/barely spoken to there. She got upset. Phone call ended.”
The guest list was far from all the grandmother-in-law wanted to plan.
“I went over there because she wanted to talk about the food. My boyfriend left the room for a few minutes, and she started writing a s**t ton of stuff on the list.”
“Napkins, plates, cups, decor, prizes, etc., trying to essentially PLAN it (which is ironic considering she was the only one not excited/giving us s**t when we announced we were pregnant to our families AND trashed my entire registry, judging me about what colors and things I was adding that weren’t up to HER standards).”
“I told her my mom has that covered and that I have a specific theme I want.”
“She started going off about how themed plates are trash and that she can find cheaper. Again, I told her my mom had it covered.”
“Then she started talking to me about random people I HAVE to invite again, including five of her FRIENDS. I’m feeling awkward because I am not close with her, and being a high-risk pregnancy I didn’t want to have another argument.”
“We already told her no. We’ve had lots of issues due to her controlling nature. (She said she was gonna take our kid and get her baptized if we didn’t once, for example. She meant it too.)”
The OP tried to set a boundary, reminding her grandmother-in-law that she was in charge of food, but that did not work.
“I again gave her the okay that she could call me if she has questions about the FOOD. She called me not even 10 minutes after we left and said, ‘Oh! I forgot three more people you have to invite.'”
“I have no clue who they are. Not even my boyfriend. I become visibly stressed, and my boyfriend grabbed the phone and said, ‘We already said this is HER baby shower, and you are a guest. She feels like she has no say in this shower at this point. You cannot just invite 10 more people to her shower after she compromised on a few already just to keep the peace.'”
“She kept talking about ‘more gifts,’ but I wanted an intimate shower to begin with, and it’s already exploded into tons of people because of her. I don’t care about more gifts. We have mostly everything we need.”
“I just wanted a cute little shower with our close family and friends, as I hate being the center of attention and having random people I don’t know staring at me opening presents stresses me OUTTT. (Being a high-risk pregnancy and her causing me this much stress, acting this way, and not even caring is absolutely insane to me at this point).”
The grandmother-in-law lashed out.
“She went OFF, y’all. She started saying, ‘You’re gonna MAKE me pay for all this s**t, and I can’t invite all these people?!'”
“My boyfriend said, ‘We aren’t MAKING you do anything; you kept offering food! She said okay because she wanted you to feel included in some way, and you’re taking advantage of that. You don’t have to do anything. Just come be a guest.'”
“She continued, ‘They’re MY family, and I’m allowed to invite them. I don’t care.’ Then she proceeded to say she’s going to throw her own baby shower if we keep telling her no, and even went as far as to say she’s not coming to ours anymore. Threatening, manipulating, controlling.”
“My boyfriend talked to his sister, and apparently his grandma called her right after our fight, going off and saying she’s ‘never heard him be that disrespectful in her life’ and saying stuff like, ‘if I’m going to buy all this food, it’s only fair I get to invite a bunch of people.'”
“FIRST OF ALL, she BEGGED us to help with something. We mentioned two small things, food-wise, if she really wanted. That doesn’t mean she gets to invite a s**t ton of people.”
“SECOND OF ALL, how is standing up for yourself and setting boundaries for you, your family, and your baby ‘disrespectful’?”
“There are even more details to the story, but… you get the gist.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP not to accept anything from the grandmother-in-law in the future.
“NTA. Don’t accept any money, gifts, or favors from her (including the food).”
“Then emphasise that she is a regular guest with zero say. If she even inches out of line again, uninvite her.” – Sebscreen
“I for sure wouldn’t let her do the food. If she gets her knickers in a twist again, she could just not do the food or sabotage it in some way, and you’re left with nothing.”
“If anything, let her come as a guest, but that would even be in question because she might just bring along eight friends. Your pregnant self does not need that stress.” – Blue-Being22
“Is this shower happening at her house or something? It sounds like your mom is throwing the shower.”
“But honestly, don’t invite her to stuff in the future and/or keep her on a strict information diet. And definitely don’t tell her when you go into labor or allow her to visit during your postpartum phase. You will be extra vulnerable, and people like her trample all boundaries during that time.”
“And finally, stop making concessions of any kind to keep the peace. It doesn’t work. She will just push further and further. The peace won’t last, and you will still be stuck with these concessions you didn’t want. Better to just have clear and expressed boundaries and then enforce them.” – Lokipupper456
“Get ready for her trying to steal all the milestones with your baby, too. I would suggest you don’t tell her when you are in labor and even announce it to her at least a week, if not longer, after-the-fact. NTA.” – DazzlingPotion
“NTA.”
“Tell her, if your offer to make food came with a contingency that you get to invite anyone you please, then please don’t make anything. I’ll tell my family they need to figure out other food options as you are now coming as just a guest. If you decide you don’t want to come at all, if you can’t invite your friends, I understand, but I will not be doing or attending another shower.”
“I would also remind her that you have a high-risk pregnancy, and the stress she is putting you under isn’t good for you or the baby. The conversation is done. You will either see her or not at the shower, but other than the friends you’ve already agreed to, no one else will be added.”
“I want to add your BF is a keeper; he’s taking your side over grandma….” – Soft_Location_9088
Others suggested fully removing the grandmother-in-law from the baby shower.
“I’d uninvite her. I’d change the date and location, too.” – Significant-Ad-341
“NTA. Tell her to throw her own party then. And then don’t go. She just wants to brag to her friends about her great cooking and planning skills; isn’t she going to be the BEST grandmother EVER? And then she’s going to insist that all of her friends can follow you around and touch your belly as much as they want, because that’s her ‘right.’ Yeah, right. Skip it.” – snack-scream-repeat
“Yes, she should throw a ‘I’m a great grandmother’ shower for herself and you don’t go anywhere near it.” – just1here
“NTA. I’d tell her I’m not inviting any of the people she wanted, she’s no longer invited to this one, she’s welcome to throw her own but that you won’t be in attendance so that would be weird tho.”
“I would tread very carefully about her ever being alone around the baby after the baptism comment. That opens all kinds of doors to baptism, ear piercing, etc., no matter what your stance on any of that is.” – Such-Examination1637
“My dear, I don’t think this is just pregnancy hormones. I think you’re reacting to a real situation that would frustrate most people.”
“It sounds like you tried to include her in a specific way (helping with food), and she kept expanding her role beyond that. That’s stressful, and that kind of pressure can feel overwhelming.”
“If you want a baby shower to feel comfortable and intimate, then that’s what you should have. Not everyone wants to be the center of attention in a room full of strangers; it isn’t fun for everyone, and it’s reasonable to want the guest list to reflect the people who actually support you.”
“Your boyfriend also handled that call pretty well. He set a boundary without insulting her; he just clarified that the shower is for you and that she’s welcome as a guest. Bravo to him!!”
“Her reaction sounds like it came from feeling rejected or losing control, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for setting limits. Offering help with food is generous; expecting control over the guest list is something different. She’s taking liberties now. Is this a party for her or you?”
“I see as the problem is solved, if she truly wants to throw her own separate shower, that’s ultimately her choice. But it doesn’t mean you have to change the plans for the one your family is hosting.”
“The important thing right now is protecting your stress levels and focusing on your health and the baby. Anyone who cares about you should understand that.”
“Rest easy. You did right and handling the best you can. It’s not easy managing bullies, especially when they’re family-in-laws.”
“Good luck and Congratulations! And hope you have a happy and healthy baby.” – EmperadorRed
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“First, thank you to everyone who commented and reassured me that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. I really needed that because pregnancy hormones already have me questioning myself constantly.”
“So here’s the newest development. My grandmother-in-law went ahead and bought us a baby wagon and had it shipped to our house. Which, sure, is a generous gift… but now I have a pretty strong feeling it’s going to be used as leverage in this whole situation.”
“Given how the conversation went before, I would not be surprised at all if the wagon suddenly becomes something she holds over our heads. Like ‘after everything I’ve done for you,’ or ‘after the gift I bought you,’ etc. For the record, we never asked her to buy the wagon. That was completely her choice.”
“At this point, my boyfriend and I are on the same page that the boundaries we set about the baby shower are not changing. If she chooses not to come because she can’t control the guest list, that’s her decision.”
“At this point, I’m just trying to focus on staying calm and keeping stress low since the high-risk pregnancy and all. Hopefully things cool down, but if not, we’re still sticking to the boundaries we set.”
As wonderful as it can be to involve family in big moments like this, sometimes family members play the “family” card far too many times to be acceptable.
In this great-grandmother’s case, she might be excited about the baby’s arrival, but she was making this much more about bragging rights and using her assistance as leverage than about the actual baby, and that was a level of drama no one needed, especially during a high-risk pregnancy.