Playtime isn't always funtime.
That can be especially true for parents.
Yes, having kids play, hangout and keeping them active and out of the way is the goal.
But then there is the clean-up.
More often than not, major clean-up always seems to fall on one parent.
Redditor Foreign_Insurance_74 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not letting my husband's brother and his kid come over?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Me (35 F[emale]) and my husband (38m) have been together for 15 years, and so have his brother and wife."
"We have 2 kids (4 and 7), and my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] also has 2 kids (10 and 4)."
"We live on the same street, and the kids like to play together."
"Me and my S[ister]-I[n]-L]aw] don't have the best relationship, but we are cordial with one another and try to avoid each other as much as possible, so my husband and his brother are the ones who meet with the kids."
"In the last 2 months, the kids have been spending weekends together, which is great, but it's mainly in our house."
"When they come over, my husband and his brother play video games in another room, leaving me to attend to the kids and clean after them."
"Last weekend when they came over, I half jokingly said that next play date will be at their house, as I would also appreciate some time for myself and to do stuff around the house without interruption."
"The next day I went to work, and when I came back, his brother was there again playing video games while the house was a mess with toys scattered all over the living room."
"I was pissed, and they all just went outside to the playground."
"A few days have passed since."
"My husband still tries to guilt-trip me, saying his nephew wants to come over."
"They still didn't meet in their house (and haven't met there in the last month or so)."
"And I got mad that he continues to put me in the 'bad guy' position when I simply asked for rotation and to split more evenly the amount of time the kids spend between the two houses."
"Clarification- the issue is not the mess."
"They clean afterward when I ask them to, and the men don't argue when I shut their gaming time down."
"I want them to go more over there so I could also get some quiet time alone."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not allowing them to come over?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Husband: Hey, Brother and kids are coming over this Saturday afternoon."
"You: Great! I'll be out shopping. Pizza rolls are in the freezer, but you might want to pick up another gallon of milk. I expect all the toys back in their places when I get back." ~ aeraen
"NTA. You're not banning the kids."
"You're asking for basic fairness."
"If the playdates are always at your house, and you're the one supervising and cleaning while the guys hide with video games, that's not a shared family activity."
"That's unpaid babysitting with extra mess."
"Wanting rotation is completely reasonable."
"Wanting your husband to actually parent and clean in his own home is also reasonable."
"He's putting you in the 'bad guy' role because it's easier than stepping up or asking his brother to host."
"That's not fair to you."
"If he wants them over, cool."
"Then he supervises."
"He cleans."
"Or they rotate houses like normal adults."
"You're not wrong for refusing to carry the entire load." ~ Ok_Book9112
"This is the most succinct, complete response."
"Husband needs to step up and grow a spine, and be a parent."
"He does not get to offload all of his social responsibilities and parental responsibilities onto his wife."
"While he goes and plays video games with his brother. "
"And then gets credit for 'hosting.'"
"If he wants to do this, he needs to provide an opportunity for his wife to have the same thing."
"A relaxing time where the kids are taken care of by someone else." ~ knittingmaniac420
"NTA, but you have a husband problem."
"He and his brother are going to have to put down the video games and watch the kids." ~ ProfessorDistinct835
"Husband, I am not your brother's free babysitter."
"He comes over to game with you, and you become an absentee parent... leaving me to not only parent our kids but his kids as well."
"I am not going to spend all my weekends parenting and cleaning up after 4 kids just so you can game with your brother and your brother's wife can have a kid-free day."
"It's simply not happening."
"So if your brother's kids want to come over, you and your brother will be watching them... not gaming."
"Whatever is going on, it stops now."
"Period. NTA." ~ Riker_Omega_Three
"Why not say 'Sure, they can come over. I'm going out, though. Have a blast. Call me when the house is clean.'" ~ Irishwol
"Because it's unfair that if OP wants any time to relax on the weekend, she is completely unable to do so in her own home."
"If I were OP, I would be proactive about this..."
"'Husband, you are welcome to have BIL and his kids here EVERY OTHER WEEKEND on the condition that you are responsible for supervising the kids during this time and cleaning 100% of the mess before I get home.'"
"'Every other weekend will be MY turn to enjoy the house without it being a zoo.'"
"'You are welcome to take the kids to your brother's house on those weekends or plan outings together for the kids.'"
"'I will not be playing the role of 'villain' anymore, constantly being backed into a corner and made to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy some quiet time in our home.'"
"'You have every other weekend at our home, they have a house themselves, and there are plenty of places to meet them outside of either dwelling.'"
"Her husband doesn't get to commandeer their residence every weekend ad infinitum and force her to be the one letting the kids down every time she says no."
"It's time for Daddy to learn how to take turns. NTA, OP." ~ RogueSlytherin
"When your husband invites them over, go out."
"He'll soon understand. NTA." ~ RestedNative
"More likely, OP will come home to a house that looks like a tornado went through it."
"Next time BIL and his kiddos show up, tell husband that..."
"(A) You're going out, and..."
"(B) You expect YOUR home to be at least tidy when you return, i.e., no toys lying around, no dishes or trash scattered around the living areas or bedrooms, no unwiped spills." ~ BunnySlayer64
"OP mentioned that she wants to do things around the house uninterrupted."
"For example, what if OP has to do the laundry?"
"Leaving the house isn't a solution."
"If she left that responsibility to her husband, it most likely won't get done because he's playing video games."
"If anything, have the husband and BIL take the kids out."
"So she has time at home to get things done."
"Also, she's not saying it can't be at her house; she's just saying she wants some of these times to be at BIL's house, too, which isn't unreasonable." ~ mary_roseb
"NTA. Your husband and his brother need to plan an activity where the two of them take the kids out so you can have a break." ~ teresajs
"If the husband continues to have the brother visit without him spending time at his brother's house, tell him you will no longer watch the kids."
"Their visit means you go to the spa, movies, visit your friends, etc."
"Leave the house to the grown-up boys and your brother-in-law's kids." ~ Dazzling_Tap886
"Since his life is good, he's looking at you like you're the problem… NTA… make your life good, and when he gives you feedback, act like he's the problem because that's what he is doing to you."
"It's all about him, and you disturbing that is the problem… he can't seem to empathize with you right now." ~ OddAdhesiveness8485
"NTA, but this is an easy fix... Simply tell the men you have some errands to run, and leave."
"The next weekend, sorry, you have a spa appointment."
"The next weekend, oops, going to the library for a couple of hours."
"And so on."
"After a month, hubby should be able to figure it out that HE and bro will be watching the kids."
"You get some alone time, and he gets to spend time with his bro and the kids."
"If that is a problem, he can fix that problem." ~ insurancelawyerbot
"Leave the house?"
"Obviously, they're not going to change anything."
"You probably complain less than your SIL does."
"Ergo, it's at your house."
"It sucks you can't get time in your house to do things, but I guarantee if you leave them to it, and your husband and his brother don't get their uninterrupted gaming play date, which is really what this is about, then suddenly it'll be a different story."
"Leave. The. House. NTA." ~ HuhWelliNever
"The issue is not the nephew coming over."
"It is the idea that you are the caretaker/maid for the adult men's play dates."
"If they want a play date, great, take responsibility for that."
"What would happen if you left prior to the arrival?"
"Would the men watch the kids, or would they play and leave you to clean up?"
"Why are you the bad guy?"
"They are not 8-year-olds."
"You are not the maid."
"When you feel in the mood to take care of two kids and clean up, then you can invite them over."
"Until then, NO. NTA." ~ venturebirdday
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's time to start a timeshare log.
Your house shouldn't be the only place for activities.
If they're going to be difficult about it, maybe you should start treating yourself to dinners and nights out.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp