Married couples are always advised to be aware of how both people feel about having children and being intimate, as disagreements about both of these subjects tend to swiftly end relationships.
But a topic people don't give enough credit for wrecking relationships is money management, and when two people can't agree about how to manage their finances, the relationship will likely fail, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Cherry_Rose69 had received a small family inheritance and was okay with using some of it to help her husband get out of debt, as long as he paid her the funds back.
But when he hadn't paid her a cent, and then expected her to use more of her inheritance to co-sign on a truck he wanted, the Original Poster (OP) did not feel comfortable sharing more of that money.
She asked the sub:
"AIO for refusing to co-sign my husband's dream truck loan when he still owes me $8,000 from my family inheritance?"
The OP received a small family inheritance that her husband partially used.
"I (33 Female) got a modest inheritance when my grandma passed last year."
"I used $8,000 of it to bail my husband (35 Male) out of some credit card debt."
"We agreed he'd pay me back over time, no pressure, but so far I've gotten nothing back."
The OP did not want to share more of her inheritance until it was repaid.
"Yesterday, he came home all excited about a new truck, priced at $55,000, and asked me to co-sign because his credit isn't great."
"I said no, because he hasn't even started paying me back, and because we just bought new appliances and are saving for a house."
"He blew up, said I was 'holding money over his head,' and that I was 'not supporting his dreams.'"
"He even threw in that, 'a wife should back her husband no matter what.'"
The OP did not agree with what her husband had to say.
"I told him flat out that, until I see him make an effort to pay me back, I'm not co-signing anything."
"Now he's barely speaking to me, and my mother-in-law (MIL) texted that I'm 'emasculating him' by doing this to him."
"I feel guilty because I know he wants this truck badly, but I also feel like I'd be an idiot to sign."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she deserved more respect from her husband and MIL.
"No. NOR. He and the MIL can kick rocks. They're using you and don't respect you."
"They're also ascribing to these toxic masculinity ideals that just do not work and never have. 'A wife should back her husband no matter what…' Uh, h**l no."
"If you are in the wrong, you don't get support, and your partner of all people should be able to be the one to call your bulls**t." - RPG_addict
"I'm curious why his mommy didn't just co-sign the loan for him."
"Is her credit not that great, or does she possibly know that her little junior son of a b***h is irresponsible as f**k also?"
"It's RICH to me when people expect others to do things that they will not." - GardenHobbit
"I wasn't even thinking family annihilator until I heard about the MIL. OP is emasculating him because she won't be his cash cow?"
"Completely irrational and a window into why he can't function as a responsible adult (embarrassing)."
"What other behaviors did she condone over the years? Man-children are straight up dangerous, and you don't want to stick around for them to 'prove their masculinity' in a violent way. Hopefully he's not named on any life insurance policies." - Ok_Working_7061
"Actually, I can't help but feel like there are more serious underlying issues than him just wanting a new truck. He's frivolous with money, he doesn't feel like he needs to pay you back, he accuses you of disrespecting him by not co-signing his loan, he runs to mommy when he's upset, and she then accuses you of 'emasculating' him..."
"There are a LOT of red flags here that run way deeper than a shiny new toy." - Ok_Childhood_9774
Others agreed and urged the OP not to change her mind and co-sign.
"So basically, he has a dream truck that he can't afford."
"Theoretically, you are trying to buy a house, but his actions say otherwise. He will be pumping every spare dollar into the truck he can't afford, while continuing to ignore his debt to you and the house plans."
"Definitely don't co-sign his financial irresponsibility. This is the time to get on the same page with money." - Virtual-Squirrel-725
"Who you choose as your partner is the most important financial decision you will make in your life. Do people not talk in depth about their attitudes regarding money, savings, and their future? (Stupid question. I know they don't.)"
"I hope OP doesn't have children with this person. Boys and their toys." - David_R_Martin_It
"NOR. My ex didn't take care of his vehicles and got mad when I refused to let him drive mine. He wanted to buy my cousin's car when her husband died, so I wrote the check from my account, she put it solely in my name."
"He was furious, I just said, you repay me, I'll transfer it to your name. Took him four years and filing for divorce before he finally repaid me to get the car in his name."
"Then he turned around and bought a new car before the divorce was finalized, trying to make me responsible for half the loan payments." - No_Anxiety6159
"My ex-husband was like this, too. He had a new midlife crisis every two years and needed a new vehicle; meanwhile, I was driving something 8 vehicles behind in our purchases. He didn't care."
"Your hubby can't afford a dream truck, plain and simple. So, even if he pays you the 8k back, and I doubt he will, don't co-sign anything."
"Speak to a lawyer. You don't want to be commingling your inheritance funds with your matrimonial assets. This man is not going to support your dreams; he will just bleed you dry." - Noidentitytoday5
Some urged the OP to leave the relationship before investing more money.
"OP, perhaps now is a good time to evaluate your relationship with him. What's the rest of your life like with him? Seek some guidance from a therapist if your insurance covers it. Like many have mentioned, you are still young and time moves quickly." - Vs_Prem_Challenger
"OP. I know this is hard to read and probably even harder to accept. This is going to become an albatross around your neck and continue pulling you down."
"You will not see that 8k. And the new appliances? Whose idea? And then the MIL is inserting herself because her baby went and whined to her?"
"Take everything the other posters have advised. There are way too many of us who have dealt with the same problems before you, but we didn't have Reddit." - Vivid_Percentage5560
"Don't work on anything and don't make any big purchases. Listen to the posters who are suggesting you get out and away from this guy and his mother."
"The longer you stay, the longer you're going to be unhappy and the more permanent damage you're going to incur. You are being used." - Sussler
"OP, you are NOT over-reacting. Take the advice from this poster now before your life gets worse."
"Never, ever co-sign anything for anyone, as it is likely that a person with poor credit, who needs a debt co-signed, will be unable to keep up payments, and you will end up with that debt. You've already bailed him out once and lost 8k, do you really want to be stuck with another 55k of debt?"
"The fact that he's whining to his mom about it is telling. He has no respect for you; he sees you only as a source of money. Best to leave before he drains everything from you." - Embarrassed-Shock621
"I hate to break it to you, but I was married to a guy like this. Odds are, he is not going to change, and he is going to drag you down financially with him. Do not give him another cent or co-sign anything with this man, even a house. You should not co-own assets with someone like this."
"Where does this go? He already has bad credit and borrowed money from you, which he's not paying back. With the truck, he's trying to make even worse financial decisions. And don't even get me started on your MIL. She can co-sign if she wants baby boy to have that truck."
"The best place to go is to the court. And file to start a divorce. This man is going to ruin your future. He won't change. Even if you alone saved for and bought a house, he would be a co-owner, because you are married. (Refer to your state laws to be sure about community property.) If he defaults on debt, they could put a lien on your house."
"Please, please, please listen to someone who has been through exactly this. Husband has bad credit. I co-signed truck loans. He destroyed our lives, and a decade post-divorce, I am still living with the fallout on my credit report. I've been paying more for EVERYTHING - car loans, insurance, etc."
"Get out now." - Queasy-Trash8292
The subreddit was angry on the OP's behalf, and while everyone urged her not to co-sign for the truck, some went so far as to hope that she would stop investing in this relationship entirely before it cost her much more than it was worth.
The money that hadn't been repaid, the demands for co-signing, an overly involved mother-in-law, and the disrespect all had price tags, and those were all on top of the money the OP was trying to save up for a house. If she tried to save up for a house while single, she might be surprised to see how much faster the whole process went without him.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.