Nearly everyone has, at one point in their lives, asked a favor of a friend or family member.
Some people are so obliging to other people's favors, however, that they end up becoming something of a defacto butler or servant to these people.
A seemingly innocent arrangement, until these kind people end up finding themselves being held accountable for something that shouldn't have been their responsibility.
The sister of Redditor NaiveEffective7108 constantly relied on the original poster (OP) for one specific task.
A task that the OP grudgingly accepted.
Unfortunately, one recent day when the OP was assuming his unwanted duties, things went somewhat awry, resulting in the OP becoming somewhat at odds with his family.
Wondering if he was at fault, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not taking responsibility for sister's cup?"
The OP explained why his sister blamed him for one of her possessions going missing:
"My (19 M[ale]) sister (16 F[emale]) hates holding her own stuff when we go out."
"Whether it be shopping bags, her purse or that Stanley cup she insists on taking everywhere I end up holding it."
"Our parents don't do anything about it and tell me to carry it to be a good big brother."
"I feel like my sister sees me less like a brother and more like a pack mule."
"Friday mom took us to the mall to spend my sister's birthday money."
"And of course I ended up holding everything, her purse her cup and her 10+ shopping bags."
"When we got back home she noticed her cup wasn't there."
"Honestly I had no idea where or when I put it down."
"She told me to either go look for it or buy her a new one and I said no because she should have been keeping track of it herself. Now my family is being cold to me."
"I feel like I should be in the clear because number one she needs to start keeping track of her own stuff, and number two she doesn't need to bring that cup everywhere she goes she never even drinks out of it when not at home."
"AITA for not finding or replacing her cup?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to replace their sister's Stanley cup.
Everyone agreed that the OP's sister got what she deserved for using the OP as her personal valet, and if she cared as much as she did about her lost cup, then she shouldn't have left it in someone else's care:
"NTA."
"They are treating you like a pack mule, stop allowing it and being available for such treatment."
"Are you in school or have a job?"
"Something that will make you unable to carry your sister's items as she walks around like an entitled teen."
"It sounds like your family is reinforcing gender norms."
"How will your sister ever learn to be an independent woman?"- planning-life
"NTA."
"You aren't responsible for your sister's stuff."
"You are allowed to say No to being her pack mule."
"If she can't manage her things, she should be taking less stuff."
"Your parents are setting her future BF or Husband up to be very, very annoyed at her by allowing and encouraging this because this is basically a cross between entitlement and learned helplessness."- No-Assignment5538
"NTA."
"Stick by your decision on this one."
"She's 16, not 6."
"It's past time for her to take some responsibility for herself and to stop being so careless."-Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA."
"She's basically treating you like some kind of human wagon."
"You need to make a stand."
"Tell her:"
"'No'."
"'I'm not gonna carry your stuff'."
"'You have two perfectly healthy hands so you can do it yourself'."
"You're not a mule, you're a human being, and if your parents have something to say then tell them:"
"'If it's a man's job to carry her stuff, then tell Dad to do it'."
"'He's stronger, so he can do it better than me'."- sithmaster297
"NTA, she could just as easily have left it somewhere herself after having a drink from it, and she certainly could have carried it herself."
"Next time let her carry her own stuff, she sounds entitled."- Dear_Word8021
"NTA."
"Her stuff, her responsibility to keep track of it."
"That's on her for not being responsible for it and your parents for not encouraging her to be responsible."- Efficient_Wheel_6333
"NTA."
"Clearly, the sister is old enough to keep track of her stuff and should have been doing so for a few years."
"OP doesn't have a lot of boundaries about situations like this and needs to put them up in a healthy and respectful way that will help the sister learn it's in her best interest."
"Parents need to step in and help as well, and to teach the sister that in life, ppl will say no to her unreasonable demands."
"OP should start saying no to get the ball rolling."
"But OP doesn't mention the background as to why the sister has been allowed to continue this behavior or why there is such an attachment to a Stanley cup."
"Underlying issues?"- Critical_Aspect_2782
"NTA."
"Stop going places if she's bringing anything."
"If it can't fit in her pocket, you don't go."
"Your parents will change their tune when they realize you've picked your battle."-ZookeepergameOk1833
"NTA."
"You should not have to pay for the cup."
"My advice is to never go shopping with her again, and really, don't go with mom, either."
"You're too old for that."- meno-pause
"NTA."
"But the only way to stop this is to start purposely losing things."
"They will get mad but they will need you more."- Denuse99
"NTA."
"Your sister presumably has 2 functioning hands, so she can start using them."
"I suggest you either start skipping these outings, or start filling your hands with your own stuff before she can fill them with hers."- Naomeri
"NTA."
"If she wants to go shopping, she can carry her own stuff. If she wants you to hold it for a little bit, then that's one thing; otherwise, she needs to bring a bigger bag, a backpack, or something with her to carry her stuff."
"This will be a good lesson that if she wants to keep track of all her belongings, she needs to carry them herself."- Megatopsy
"NTA."
"But going forward, you might have to choose between replacing the cup and your peace in the home."
"After that is settled, I would say don't carry anything for her again."
"Maybe don't even go places with them."
"Either way, communicate clearly what's going on here."
"Tell her 'I don't want the responsibility of keeping track of your things'."
"'You can keep track of your own things'."- badatusernames31
"NTA."
"IT'S HER CUP, HER RESPONSIBILITY."- Icy_Huckleberry_8049
"NTA."
"Her expecting you to keep track of all of her stuff sounds a little entitled, but you get the option to say yes or no."
"But expecting you to constantly watch her and notice when she sets something down so you can collect it without being asked definitely sounds like she's treating you a little bit like a servant."-UnicornVoodooDoll
"NTA."
"I have a friend like that."
"She went from mainly going places with her dad to mainly going places with her boyfriend, so when we go out, it's the same."
"Forgotten bag, purse left on chair."- lovelystarbuckslover
"NTA."
"However, family dynamics can be weird."
"You may want to buy her a new one, but not doing so isn't an a-hole move."- BMal_Suj
"NTA."
"But your sister is."
"She is not a toddler or young child that needs help with holding things, it's her responsibility to keep track of her stuff."
"Simply refuse to carry her belongings for her."- Lilylake_55
"You're an adult now and need to start enforcing boundaries."
"This means saying no when your parents or sister tell you to do something outrageous."
"If she doesn't want to hold something then she can leave it in the car or not buy it."
"NTA."- EclecticEvergreen
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, simply for going along with his sister's demands for as long as he did, even if they also had trouble sympathizing with anyone else:
"ESH."
"Your sister and parents, of course."
"And you for going along with it. Once you agreed to hold her cup, yes, you became responsible for it. Maybe find something else to do instead of being her Sherpa?
When you have one too many things to keep track of, it's frustratingly easy to misplace something.
An Honest mistake that the OP fell victim to.
It will be interesting to see if the OP's sister will still make him carry her things going forward after this.
Or perhaps this duty will now fall to their parents?
One can only wonder if they would replace the cup had it been lost under their care...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp