Content Warning: Mental Health, Emotional Shaming
When we think of wedding vows, we often think of “in sickness and in health.” We might not immediately think of “in the good times and bad,” or in rarer vows, “in sadness and in joy.”
But these moments are just as important as being there through physical ailments, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
A while back, Redditor LifWests had gone through a stressful situation at work and broke down crying in front of his then-girlfriend at home. She consoled him, and the situation resolved itself with time, so he thought all was well.
But when the Original Poster (OP) later discovered that his crying in front of his girlfriend had given her ‘the ick’ for appearing vulnerable, he questioned if she was actually the partner he thought he was marrying.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for considering breaking up with my fiancée because I found out that she got the ‘ick’ when I cried last year?”
The OP recently went through some tough times at work and also got engaged.
“My fiancee (26 Female) and I (26 Male) have been dating for seven years, and we got engaged last month.”
“I found out something recently, however, which makes me very sad.”
“For some backstory, I was going through a stressful time last year with work and I was feeling overwhelmed.”
“Looking back, I think I was just overreacting, but during that phase, I just didn’t know what was happening to me mentally.”
While struggling at work, the OP had a vulnerable moment in front of his partner.
“Then one night, I just started crying randomly for no reason.”
“My fiancee was surprised, but she comforted me, and she asked me what it was about, and I told her it was life in general.”
“The week after I cried, I actually got a promotion at work, and I realized I was just overthinking everything and that things were actually fine. Mentally, I started feeling much better and things were back to normal.”
The OP then discovered how his future wife really felt about his emotional moment.
“But I heard something last week that genuinely hurt me.”
“My fiancée’s best friend, Ellie, also got recently engaged. Ellie is also very close friends with my sister and my fiancée, but my sister and my fiancée aren’t really friends or buddies.”
“Last week, my sister called me and told me something she’d heard from Ellie that she wanted to share with me.”
“What happened was that Ellie and my fiancée were talking about green flags, what they love about their fiancés, and what they could potentially be better at.”
“My fiancée joked about me crying last year and that she felt ‘the ick’ while watching me.”
“Ellie found that very funny and then shared the story with my sister.”
“My sister told me she didn’t think it was funny at all but just carried on with the conversation and pretended everything was normal, but she wanted to share this with me.”
The OP felt like something had changed between him and his fiancée.
“I then asked my fiancee about it, and my fiancee seemed a bit nervous, but she admitted that she had said that. She then added that she was just joking and didn’t mean it.”
“I told her I needed some space, and my fiancée started crying and told me she was just joking about it and that she loved that I was comfortable expressing my emotions to her.”
“The thing is, I don’t really believe my fiancée, and I feel really sad and hurt that she found my crying to be an ‘ick,’ and that she joked about it with her friends.”
“AITAH for considering breaking up with my fiancée?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP it was okay to cry and to reevaluate his relationship.
“She found it ‘ick’ when you have feelings? Oh boy…”
“And I find it interesting they joked about it while they were talking about green flags? So they were talking about what seemed like a good thing, while at the same time mocking their emotions?”
“How does that even work if you respect their green flags?” – DrunkApricot
“His crying gives her the ick, but when he calls her out, she immediately starts crying. Can anyone say, ‘hypocrite’?”
“NTA, I don’t believe she was joking, either. She does not like OP showing what she considers feminine emotions. I’m sure she also feels sick over him being so overwhelmed that it leads to his crying.”
“If OP stays with her, he’ll have to hide his stress and emotions for their entire marriage. If that’s how you want to spend your life, stay with her.”
“Maybe couples therapy will help, but she told you who she is. Believe her.” – SpinIggy
“My husband has cried once in our eight years together, and it felt amazing that he was finally comfortable enough to cry with me and to seek that comfort from me. I would never tell anyone because it is something so private and vulnerable let alone make a joke about it.”
“Life is so hard already and your partner needs to be someone who will dry your tears and just be there for you when things are bad. It is just so hypocritical that she is talking about green flags when what she did is such a big RED FLAG!” – Artemisa-07
“I especially love that when he told her he needed some space, after hearing what she said about a moment he was feeling overwhelmed and upset and began crying, SHE began crying.”
“So apparently it’s totally fine for her to do it, obviously, because she’s a woman and she’s allowed to have emotions and express them, unlike men who as everyone knows are giant p**sies if they falter from their stoicism and experience such a feminine emotion as crying.”
“Only women and literal babies are allowed to do that. Apparently. NTA.” – Kitchen-Cauliflower5
“NTA.”
“You aren’t wanting to break up just because she said she had the ick.”
“You are considering breaking up because she proved that it’s not safe to be vulnerable around her. A normal reaction to a partner crying over stress is to be supportive and concerned, not get an ick.”
“I’m not sure how you would feel going forward if you feel like you can’t express your emotions around her.” – The_Clumsy_Gardener
“My husband has cried with me or for me or in front of me many times. He’s not a fragile crybaby, but he’s a human being. We’ve been together for 20 years, through family deaths, extreme health emergencies, miscarriages, sick babies, the loss of a business, loss of pets, rough patches in the marriage, kids moving away… that’s LIFE, and it’s a rollercoaster.”
“Women produce higher levels of a hormone that causes tears, so women do tend to tear up more often. This doesn’t mean that the human trait of crying is feminine only, it’s human. It’s healthy. Social conditioning can be so toxic.” – FallingCaryatid
Others agreed and pointed out a person’s true colors are revealed during the hard times.
“Nothing, and I do mean this quite seriously, NOTHING is more important than the character someone shows you at the bad times.”
“When something goes wrong, that you have no control over, that seriously impacts you for the rest of your life, this girl will have ‘the ick’ for you reacting to it.”
“She’s afraid to lose you, and especially afraid to lose you because of the reason you just found out does not paint her in a positive light at all.”
“I found out last summer that I had a chest infection, that subsequently, I lost 50% of my lung capacity. And that I need basic procedures just to check that, that have a non-zero chance of being fatal, I am genuinely afraid of that.”
“And afraid people cry.”
“One girl, allowed me to hug her while crying but quickly ran the f**k out of my home.”
“The other woman? She cradled me up in her arms and let me bawl the f**k out of my mind with fear. And she’s never said a d**n thing about it since no matter what f**kups I have done or had while the doctors try all sorts of wild concoctions on me that have changed my personality in variously bad ways that are ABSOLUTELY valid reasons for her to lose her s**t at me, both then, now and in the future.”
“Guess which one I’m marrying?” – Serupta
“I read once that contempt is heavily correlated with whether a marriage will last. Getting ‘the ick’ seems like contempt to me.” – Zestyclose-Ruin8337
“One thing that confirmed for me that I would marry my husband was the incredible amount of love and patience I felt for him when he was having his worst day ever. OP’s fiance doesn’t sound like a wife.” – glowfly126
“Health is a temporary status. I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I live together. Everything seemed fine, but as soon as I got sick, everything changed.”
“I have chronic fatigue and was dealing with POTS and panic attacks, and instead of making me feel safe, he would yell at me every day.”
“Please remember, if she is capable of laughing of you with her friends when you need her, she might be a terrible partner when you’re more vulnerable. Just dump her abusive a**.” – Optimal_Research_104
“So, this potential wife is someone who you will lean heavily on as a spouse. Marriage is not a Disney movie; you need to know this woman will have your back if you lose your job if you have a terrible accident if you have children that are non-typical physically or mentally if you basically don’t have sunshine, and rainbows every day.”
“I like the other response where someone said to make her red-green flag list. Have you two really been through challenges together, or has she only been with you through smooth sailing?”
“It’s how you face challenges together that determine your success, and you need to know you can trust her.”
“NTA because your gut is telling you something important.”
“I discussed this with my husband, and we agreed that the lack of respect the fiancee demonstrated by bad-mouthing OP and betraying his confidence to others in his family bodes poorly for long-term marital success.”
“She just doesn’t respect him.”
“OP, your stress over a rough patch in life is not a “major life stressor” ™ (not minimizing your stress, just keep reading). It is just life and a regular event in the grand scheme of marriage challenges. Stress happens.”
“If your fiancee is demonstrating a lack of respect, tolerance, understanding, maturity, and teamwork now, during the normal days, it won’t be any better when you have a major catastrophe or loss strike.”
“Fair weather friends is not a saying for nothing; Rougher days lie in wait. You need to be sure she is really going to be all in, and vice versa, because marriage is rough, but the right partner makes it a good life.”
“I truly hope you find someone who respects you, loves all of you including your imperfections, who holds you to high standards of being a whole person, and who does not pigeonhole you by toxic gender stereotypes.”
“A lot of people get hung up on being “married” to have a wedding – and so many people don’t know what a healthy marriage is, because they have never seen one in real life. Every marriage is unique and defined by the people in it. I am in my second marriage; it took a lot of failures to get clear on who I am and what I need in a partner.”
“Make a list for yourself, not flags, but real requirements of the qualities you want in a partner (empathy, respect, morals, etc), and let the packaging be randomized. Get clear on who you need in your partner, and then you can find that person.”
“Good luck.” – EpsilonSage
The subReddit empathized with the struggles the OP had recently been through and encouraged him to feel safe to express himself. Since it didn’t seem that that was a safe space his present partner was willing to provide for him, they also challenged him to think about whether or not he felt comfortable turning to the internet every time he had a problem… instead of his wife.