Many new parents turn to their own parents for advice.
After all, they're the people who made them who they are.
Even so, parenting styles and customs tend to change with the times, so new parents might decide to raise their children differently than their own parents raised them.
Often resulting in tension.
Redditor Mysterious-File9406 and their wife recently welcomed a new baby.
The original poster (OP)'s mother couldn't wait to be a grandmother and an active part of their grandchild's life.
However, after ignoring the instructions of the OP and their wife, the OP's mother found herself banned from seeing her grandchild.
Concerned they might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for keeping my son away from my mom because she fed him custard?"
The OP explained why their mother found herself banned from seeing her grandchild:
"My wife (30s) and I (also 30s) have a baby boy."
"Last year, we flew across the country with him to attend a family reunion and visit my parents."
"Things were going well until my wife caught my mom (68) trying to feed our baby custard off a spoon—against two of our clear rules: no sugar before 1 year old, and no spoon-feeding."
"My wife and mom had discussed feeding boundaries at length for weeks, and our 6mo had just started solids."
"Since our son's birth, my mom has increasingly ignored boundaries."
"The first issue was her demanding photos at 9 am despite our previous ask for no photo requests before 10 am."
"Her reasoning: 'Rules don't apply to Grandma'."
"When caught with the custard, my wife immediately took our son and left the room upset without saying a word."
"I stayed behind and asked my mom why she didn't ask first, and she said, 'Because I knew you'd say no'."
"I was livid—this showed she knowingly overrode our parenting decisions."
"Later she tried to brush it off as sarcasm."
"My mom's sister, who witnessed it, validated my wife's reaction."
"The next day, we sat my parents down to talk."
"My mom initially apologized but quickly backpedaled, changing details ('It was a fork, not a spoon', 'he just reached for it')."
"Things got heated."
"My dad said we were being harsh, and later my mom claimed my wife 'screamed' at her."
"Neither of us remembers screaming, but we aren't going to gaslight her."
"We ended the trip early and pulled back communication—my wife, who had been sending daily photos and videos, stopped completely; I now send occasional ones."
"We tried working on things."
"My wife proposed an exercise where they would answer questions about their grandparents expectations, and we would discuss them together."
"We agreed they could attend our son's first birthday if we completed the exercise."
"They agreed."
"After multiple reschedules (due to my wife's postpartum struggles), we finally set a time last minute—but my mom refused to get dressed to be on video, saying I 'called every shot so far' and that she'd just listen off-camera."
"My wife felt slighted and revoked their birthday invitation."
"My mom later gave a veiled threat and then a different excuse, but the damage was done, and we withdrew further."
"After further reflection and therapy, we told them we need them to seek therapy before resuming visits."
"Their response mentioned the 'screaming' again and uncertainty if 'this will work out'—but then still asked for photos 'every once in a while'."
"Since then, I've kept the casual conversation open but deflect photo and visit requests until they start therapy."
"For context: they were present at his birth and had two good visits where my mom respected boundaries, which made this breach feel even more shocking."
"So:
"Is my wife TAH for 'yelling' or revoking the daily photos in response?"
"AITA for holding this boundary until therapy happens?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely agreed that the OP was indeed the a**hole for banning their mother from seeing her grandson.
Many had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this scenario, feeling that the OP, their wife, and their mother were all being overly dramatic:
"Whew."
"Okay, the custard thing, not okay."
"What baby eats is up to mom and dad, full stop."
"However, the rest of this sounds like a huge overreaction."
"Just stick with your kid while you're at Grandma's ffs."
"It's not even nearby; you don't see her all the time; she isn't babysitting."
"Just keep an eye on your kid while you're all there."
"Interviews to assess their adherence to rules and family therapy for a couple of bites of custard?"
"Way off the rails."
"ESH. Grandma was wrong."
"You and your wife need to take a step back and get some perspective."
"Relationships with people who love them are so important to kids."
"So much more important than an erroneous bite of custard."- ImpossibleReason2204
"ESH."
"Initially, I totally understand you guys being upset."
"However, the behavior around that video call sounds insane."
"You expected them to give you infinite leeway on rescheduling due to your boundaries, but when your mom said she'd rather stay off video that's an insurmountable hurdle?"
"If you want this to be the end of your relationship with your parents you can continue with the mindset you currently have that your accommodations are necessary and hers are unjust demands, but if you'd actually like to mend this bridge, I'd consider acting like people on both sides are humans that deserve some grace."- nuggets256
"I think all parties have behaved badly here, so I say ESH."
"I would really like to understand this whole 'no spoons' thing."
"OP, can you explain why you are anti-spoon?"
"Do you hold the same disdain for sporks?"
"I can completely understand and agree with the no sugar rule."
"But the spoons just have me confused."- markdmac
While others felt the OP was solely at fault for exacerbating the situation and was being far too harsh on their mother:
"I would have said ESH, but actually on balance YTA."
"You guys are exhausting and way too intense."
"Your parents (mother) did ignore your rules but tbh most of how she is responding is no doubt due to her frustration at what's going on, the more petty the rules and consequences to breaking the rules the more she is acting out in kind."
"Sure you have boundaries, but they seem to be ever-shifting and as soon as your mum has a boundary (being on camera) you punish her with no birthday visit."
"Treating your child like a bargaining chip and your way to exert control is concerning."
"Looking back, you are threatening your parents over a spoon and custard?"
"They have to attend therapy or you won't send pictures?"
"They aren't the ones who need help, this behaviour should it continue will surely damage your child as he grows older."- iata1973
"YTA."
"Oof."
"A lot going on here."
"Your wife seems so over the top it's hard to be on your side."
"Is she getting help for her postpartum struggles?"
"I very much hope so."
"Your mom was wrong for the custard."
"But discussing feeding boundaries for weeks sounds quite honestly insane."
"A 'boundary' of 10 am texts instead of 9 am also sounds like a you problem."
"Is she spamming with texts at that time?"
"Why can't you just ignore it until it's a convenient time for you?"
"The expectation exercise also sounds over the top, but they agreed."
"Yet you cancel multiple times and then lose it when your mom doesn't want to be on camera at the last minute?"
"And this causes your wife to uninvite them?"
"Again I think she needs some serious help."
"Is this actually what you want your relationship and your kids relationship with your parents to be?"
"Support your wife, yes, but most of this is just concerning."- SpeechIll6025
"YTA."
"I really was going to go with everyone sucks here because I do think Grandma pushed the boundaries a little too far."
"But then I just kept reading, and I couldn't ."
"Maybe Grandma pushes the boundaries because you guys are over-the-top ridiculous."
"You get to make a choice about whether or not your child has a full complement of people who love him."
"Or you can make a choice to always be right and have everything always done your way."
"And then of course, cry when you 'don't have a village'."
"You guys need to reassess."
"You using your own child to manipulate and punish your mother is frankly quite gross."
"Imagine your son is a grown-up."
"And he gets mad at you because you swaddle the baby incorrectly, so he decides you've got to go to therapy."
"Literally stare at your infant child and imagine him telling you that."
"Meanwhile, you're thinking, but I swaddled you this way, and it was perfectly fine, and you are perfectly fine."
"What is happening right now?"- PracticalPrimrose
The OP isn't wrong that therapy might be necessary.
But not just for their mother but for everyone.
The behavior exhibited by everyone bordered on the extreme.
And extreme behavior is the worst possible atmosphere for a young child.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp