Balancing family, school, and work as an adult is not easy.
There never seems to be enough time in the day.
There is always an aspect of life that requires immediate attention.
That's why prioritizing is imperative.
However, sometimes, how someone prioritizes a certain aspect of the balance isn't appreciated by others.
Redditor Original_Storage1199 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to babysit my sister's kids when she had an important work dinner?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 F[emale]) am currently working full-time while taking night classes for my master's degree."
"My schedule is PACKED."
"My sister (30 F) has two kids (4 and 6) and constantly asks me to babysit last minute."
"Like, I've helped her out at least 15 times in the past 3 months alone."
"Sometimes with literally 2 hours' notice."
"I've missed study groups, rescheduled meetings, and even called out sick once to help her."
"I love my niece and nephew, but OMG, it's getting ridiculous."
"Yesterday, she texted me at 4 pm asking if I could watch the kids from 6-11 pm because her regular sitter canceled."
"I had a HUGE exam the next morning worth 40% of my grade that I needed to study for."
"I told her I couldn't this time and suggested she try the babysitting app I showed her before."
"She freaked out saying it was an important work thing and I was the only person she trusted."
"I stood my ground for once and said no."
"She ended up missing her work event."
"Now my whole family is blowing up my phone."
"Apparently this 'work thing' was actually a dinner with her boss where they were discussing a promotion."
"My parents are saying I'm selfish and should have just 'studied earlier' (as if grad school works that way lol)."
"My sister is giving me the silent treatment and posted a vague F[ace]Book] status about 'People who don't value family.'"
"Like???"
"I've dropped everything for her kids so many times, but the ONE time I prioritize my education, I'm the villain?"
"I feel bad about the promotion thing, but also feel like I'm becoming her default childcare without any consideration for my life."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to be her emergency babysitter this ONE time?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Just keep reiterating that you were asked last minute the night before a major exam worth 40% of your grade."
"You already babysit at the drop of a hat, often making personal sacrifices to do so, which is already an unreasonable expectation."
"You don't owe her the sacrifice of your future so she can have kids with no drawbacks to her life."
"These are not your kids."
"It is not your responsibility."
"If in a crazy spin of the wheel of fate, two important events coincide and one of you has to sacrifice something in order for her kids to be looked after, she is the one who will have to make the sacrifice because they are her kids.'
"You must feel like you are taking crazy pills."
"If I were you I'd tell them that their attitude is so wrong that you are backing off from making any sacrifices to babysit her kids entirely."
"It's like no good deed goes unpunished."
"Maybe after her life starts suffering when she has to make her own sacrifices more often, rather than you making them in her place, she might start appreciating what you have been doing for her so far and give up the expectation that her life always comes before yours."
"You won't hold your breath, though." ~ kurokomainu
"OP needs to stop being too available."
"Calling in sick to get a job to babysit?!"
"Behavior like that encourages this overreach." ~ coffee_u
"I think the dinner being about a promotion is a lie."
"If it's true, it's unprofessional."
"It's not the 1950s anymore."
"Also, if this dinner cost her the promotion, that's a massive red flag, and she should be looking for a new job."
"Pretty sure the sister just made it up to manipulate the family into giving OP a hard time so she will think twice about saying no in the future."
"OP you're NTA and your sister is trying to play you." ~ Tiny_pufferfish
"NTA. Presumably, your sister knew about this dinner more than 2 hours before it started?"
"Why didn't she plan ahead?"
"She's gotten comfortable relying on you for last-minute babysitting, and it's a good thing you kept to your boundaries and said no, so she (hopefully) realizes that she can't take advantage of you anymore."
"I could be wrong, but from the way you told it, it seems like there's some favoritism towards your sister if everyone is so up in arms about her missing this one work dinner when you've sacrificed your own work and education time for her over and over." ~ schmeveroni
"NTA, it sounds like her giving you the silent treatment is probably a good thing, it will give her a chance to figure some things out, like having more than one sitter she can rely on."
"Post a message to her FaceBook about how hard it is when your family doesn't value education or time put towards it and doesn't support you working towards your future career goals or respect how much you've paid in tuition."
"Tell your family directly to put up or shut up, where were they if this was so important?"
"Whenever someone calls me selfish for putting my needs first, my response is, 'Ya, I'm okay with that,' and then there's not much else for them to say!" ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
"I would seriously Never Babysit For Her Again."
"She's built up this entitlement with all her last-minute shenanigans, which you've complied with."
"Now it's time to change that dynamic entirely by not allowing it any longer."
"It's not as if you're getting credit for all the times you've moved your own plans around, you're just getting denigrated for saying no once."
"One damn time!"
"So change it up."
"Make a statement about it beforehand, or not, but don't babysit for her again."
"She's lost her rights to your time by being a total AH to you."
"Anyone who's giving you crap about it can babysit for her."
"Done. NTA." ~ Blue-Being22
"A lack of planning on her part doesn't constitute an emergency on yours."
"Why is it always you who has to rearrange your schedule for her?"
"Does she ever do the same for you?"
"And why can't your parents babysit if it's so important? NTA." ~ Jdawn82
"NTA. If your parents feel a certain way about it, they need to step up and start babysitting for your sister."
"You did not lay down and create those children, and you do not owe your sister free babysitting whenever she feels like it." ~ New-Comment2668
"NTA. The entitlement of your sister!!!"
"You have your own life, school, and exams to get ready for, and she doesn't give a rat's furry behind."
"She's selfish and has the audacity to paint you as the villain while acting like she's entitled to your time."
"OP, I'm sorry your family sucks."
"Ignore them and concentrate on your studies."
"She had other options, you didn't."
"The fact that she missed that important work dinner is her fault, not yours."
"She's the mother of those children, and finding childcare, even in an emergency situation, is her responsibility."
"You did nothing wrong." ~ WoodlandElf90
"NTA. All those people blowing up your phone could have babysat."
"Your sister needs to have backup sitters beside you." ~ Jodenaje
"NTA. Your sister needs a deeper bench of sitters, but it is not your responsibility to put your life on hold every time she needs a babysitter."
"This should be a wake-up call to your sister to find a solution."
"And how is your sister valuing family if she wants you to flunk an important exam for her promotion chances?" ~ Quick-Possession-245
"I am also working full-time while getting my master's degree."
"I barely have time to complete all of my coursework after work in the evenings."
"You do NOT have time to babysit last minute while maintaining your grades."
"School should be the number 1 priority for you."
"If your family can't understand why someone who is working full-time while doing evening classes isn't available to drop everything at the last minute, then they can sulk in a corner."
"Stand your ground and don't babysit unless it's an absolute emergency (sister or kids have to go to the ER)." ~ Nyankitty666
"HOLYCHIT NTA."
"Going the petty route, respond to her passive-aggressive post with something along the lines of, 'OMG! I was thinking the same thing.'"
"'I am so stressed with my full-time job and classes for my graduate degree.'"
"'I don't even have time for myself, and still, I'm expected to go above and beyond for the same family who refuses to see me as anything other than a last-minute babysitter.'" ~ MostlyUseful
"NTA. Your sister is older, and further progressed in life and career, and yet she (and your family) consider that to be more important than you getting to progress at all in yours."
"You are not her resource; you need to have the chance to build your life yourself."
"Yes, this dinner was to discuss a promotion, but if she's really not going to get promoted because she had last-minute childcare problems, then this is a very toxic work environment that will mean she will keep expecting you to drop everything to help her."
"And 40% of your grade can make a significant difference in your future."
"Though you should also have prepared sooner since a night-before cram isn't really that useful at a grad school level."
"Significant things here don't ring true." ~ calling_water
"NTA. All this nonsense is to bring you back in line so you don't turn her down again."
"This time feels hard to you because it sounds like this is your role in the family- the more you do not - the easier it will get."
"I bet if you look closer, you are going to see other places where you are bullied into things." ~ scoops_noodle
"NTA, but you need to start setting boundaries down now and have a life!"
"Say no each time from now."
"Of course, she will start talking to you again when she needs a babysitter and wants it for free!!"
"If you do decide to babysit, then start charging!"
"Anyone who messages you. Tell them."
"Thanks for volunteering. I'll tell sis you're willing to help babysit next time when I have a major exam at an hour's notice. 😀."
"And where are your parents to help with babysitting?"
"They should be her no 1 option." ~ Strong_Storm_2167
"Where are these family members when sis needs a babysitter???"
"Anyone who makes judgy comments can step up and help out!"
"Message sister weekly that she needs to find a reliable babysitter! NTA." ~ Abystract-ism
"NTA, not your kids, not your problem."
"Just don't babysit ever again, and she'll have to make other arrangements." ~ Comfort_Not_Speed_50
"Definitely NTA, and I got to say, a meeting at that time of night with the boss sounds pretty sketchy." ~ Mystery-Ess
"NTA. Also, please read everything you just posted TO HER."
"People who constantly take advantage of someone else need to hear EXACTLY what they are doing, to their face."
"Yes, some people are very dense."
"Your sister is one of them."
"If your parents are so upset, why aren't they stepping up to help your sister?"
"You are not responsible for your sister's responsibilities." ~ HockeyMom128
"NTA. Also, please read everything you just posted TO HER."
"People who constantly take advantage of someone else need to hear EXACTLY what they are doing, to their face."
"Yes, some people are very dense."
"Your sister is one of them."
"If your parents are so upset, why aren't they stepping up to help your sister?"
"You are not responsible for your sister's responsibilities." ~ HockeyMom128
"NTA. I'd reply to her post dates you've provided child care last minute and what you canceled yourself to make it happen."
"Go on to say you love your niece and nephew but that sometimes your life is going to take priority." ~ Tylerinthenorth
Reddit is with you, OP.
You had to put yourself first.
Your parents should understand that.
Maybe going low contact for a while would be best.
Never feel bad for sticking up for yourself.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp