Deciding on child custody can be a not fun legal process and result in a lot of trauma both for parents and children.
In the event a couple cannot divide custody equitably, the fight between the parents for time with their child can be brutal.
Redditor Agitated-Split-3862, who'd already been through a major custody battle, found himself in a situation with his ex and their daughter.
After missing some time at work to fill in for his ex, he decided to make his ex responsible for that lost time. Unclear if this was a jerk move, he went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for feedback from objective strangers.
He asked:
"AITA for charging my ex to babysit our kid?"
Our original poster, or OP, talked about the custody agreement and disagreements with his ex.
"I have a custody and child support agreement with my ex for our 5-year-old daughter (Sumara) that has been unchanged for the past 3 years, since our breakup."
"Personally, I've never missed anything, never been late. I adhere to the agreement to the tee."
"I make sure everything else in my life will agree with our agreement because I know that's what's best for Sumara."
"My ex...I can't say the same."
"She's never been a very organized person and after our breakup it seems to me like her life has been even more disheveled since I'm no longer around to bear that load."
And then he was asked to step up for something his ex couldn't handle.
"2 weeks ago she calls me at 7am and tells me I need to pick up Sumara because she has to go to work soon and her normal childcare (her Mom) and her backup (her Sister) are not available."
"I'm like WTF I have to go to work soon as well what happened? Apparently her grandfather fell the night before and had to go to the hospital so her Mom went to see him."
"And since she doesn't drive her Sister also had to go (Mom and Sister live in the same house). He's still there so they're still with him and can't watch Sumara so I have to do it."
He expressed some frustration.
"This is the 3rd time this has happened in the past year. Both of her babysitting options live in the same house."
"Her Mom doesn't even drive so how is your 'backup' even a 'backup' if they're never available because they're tied to your 'primary?'"
"We talked about this the last 2 times and I clearly explained to her she needs to figure this out. The last 2 times I wasn't working so it wasn't a big deal to me...but now I am."
"I can't just bail on work to get Sumara for her on days when she's supposed to be taking care of her."
OP had to call out of work.
"I double checked with my ex to make sure there is literally no one else available."
"When she said no, I called my boss and explained the situation and he said it was cool, but he reminded me that I'm a new employee so I didn't have any paid time off, and that in general it doesn't look good for new employees to call-off last minute."
"I said I understand, and picked up my daughter."
"When my ex came to pick her up at the end of the day I told her she owes me $100. I lost money by not going to work today."
OP's ex did not take that kindly.
"'I understand it was an emergency, but this is your fault for not having proper backup'."
"'Our agreement says I pay you child support to cover partial childcare costs when Sumara is with you, but then I turn around and provide the childcare'."
"I can't both not work and still pay...its literally impossible."
"She BLEW UP on me."
"She started screaming and said she's not going to pay me to watch my own daughter."
"She called me a piece of sh*t for trying to capitalize on her family emergency. She called her Mom on the phone so she can yell at me too. I stood my ground and collected my $100."
"AITA here?"
"Its not even about the money—it was about sending the message that she's not being a responsible parent and she needs to face harsher penalties due to her lack of preparation. Grandpa is now fine, BTW."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors thought OP was within his rights to do what he did.
"This is 100% correct. I too thought you were the A H from reading the title, but you made an excellent point."
"Next time just tell her no. She will have to be the one to miss work."
"If the situation was reversed I can promise you she would not have handled as well as you did, putting your child first. Plus you have a new job."
"Not to sound like Nancy Regan, Just. Say. No."
"If you have concerns she will leave the child in an unsafe position, then go back to court get primary custody, get the tax break, pay less child support or don't pay any, and ensure your child is cared for properly."
"Probably best all around. NTA"-lallaw
"Just reading the title I was going to say the opposite... But reading through the story, it's obvious your partner cannot take care of your kid."
"I mean, come on. First off, they can't drive while they have a job, and then they have almost no resources for outside help and almost no support system?"
"Also, why the hell do you get to pay partial when she is working? Does she do the same for you? Is there such a large financial difference that she has to have the assistance?"
"This is another reason I'm thinking maybe she shouldn't be caring for your daughter."
"NTA. Document all the stuff that happened and talk to your lawyer about this to have a new agreement established."
"Because this one isn't working. Or better yet, get more custody."
"Something to where this parent isn't given room to f**k up again. And if they do, well, then you know where that would go."-ShakeSlow
"NTA. If she can't handle the responsibility of equal custody, she shouldn't have equal custody."
"Also, she can use the child support to hire a baby sitter, or she can take a day off like you would when it's your day to watch her and you can't find a sitter."
"But instead, she chose to be an irresponsible parent and force somebody else who cares more about the child than than her to pick up the slack."-ianwasted30
"NTA. She needs backup care to properly provide the level of childcare you're already assisting in paying for."
"Stuff happens, but when the same stuff repeatedly happens, she needs to figure out a new system that doesn't jeopardize your job."-rileygreyy
And people are advising strong legal actions.
"NTA and take her back to court, let mediation know that she has been doing this frequently and hopefully they will lower your child support costs."
"And they may even give you more physical custody if you want it and are willing to fight for it. But definitely the child support thing."
"Tell them you can't work if you're expected to watch the child, and you can't afford to pay for your own child care on days you don't realize you're going to watch her, if you're paying child support."-the-willow-witch
"NTA. If her childcare falls through on your Ex' days, it's her responsibility to miss a day of work, not yours."
"Also, none of this was an emergency. Your Ex's family didn't have to go to visit the grandfather, immediately, without making arrangements."
"For instance, Sis could have had your child in the car and dropped her Mom off at the hospital and then picked her up later."
"And they knew about the grandfather falling the night before, so they could have called around to find alternate babysitting that night instead of the next morning."-teresajs
"NTA, bordering E S H. It was her fault but being petty asking for cash isn't the right way to deal with it."
"It just antagonizes her, makes her more convinced you're being unreasonable and gives her free reign to continue parenting your daughter poorly."
"You should keep track and document all these lapses in her parenting and use it to make a case to revise your custody or child support terms."
"The main priority is to place your daughter in the hands of a capable parent at the right times."-DaisyInc
"NTA. Remind the ex that your job is what funds the support payments to her by definition."
"She presumably knows you're new at your job, and calling out with short notice can have long term consequences optics wise, as your boss pointed out in the moment not subtly."
"Ex was just assuming her day was more important, which is part of the problem."
"You did literally drop everything, jeopardized your job, so she got her way. She can't 'blow up' and get her family on you about it."-dart1126
People questioned ex's ability to care for the child.
"NTA - but I think you've shot yourself in the foot here in how you've explained and put forward your question."
"You've paid for childcare via your custody agreement but your ex won't enroll kid in child care and has/expects you to be the fallback when her mum/sister can't watch your child causing you to miss work."
"Plus she still expects you to pay for childcare on that day."-Fugly0the0first
"NTA. It wasn't your time to watch your daughter but you did. I don't see why her mom couldn't have stayed home and watched her just as well as you did but that's not how it worked out."
"The fact is that you had to lose a day's wages and kind of look not so good in front of your boss. It was only fair to ask your ex for your lost wages, even if it did make her and her mom angry."
"The next time this happens, and it sounds like it will, tell your ex you are not taking off work since you're new and don't have any vacation days and could end up losing your job."
"Tell her she will have to take the time off from her job and stay home with her child."-No_Proposal7628
"NTA for multiple reasons."
"This is a repeated issue if it was a one off then YWBTA but it's repeated; she needs to get it together."
"A portion of your child support is supposed to go childcare so if it's not, that's an issue."
"Yes this is your child, but the position you were in it was either she miss work or you miss work meaning you miss pay."
"Now obviously I don't know your financial situation but I'm sure if because you missed work you couldn't afford to pay child support it would've been an issue."
"Now maybe $100 was a bit steep but again idk either of your finances. I'd also like to add that you definitely should've told her upfront that you wanted/needed payment instead of dropping it on her last minute regardless of the amount."-By-AnyOther_Name
"NTA - I was preparing to call you TA until you mentioned it's impacting on your job, she's done this before and part of your child support is earmarked to provide partial childcare costs for her."
"She cannot have it both ways, whereby she gets money from you for childcare but she uses you as free childcare and thus pockets the money from you, that's not fair."
"Nor is it fair that her lack of planning is putting you at risk of losing your job, you need your job every bit as much as she needs hers so for her to basically expect you to blow your job off so she can go to work is ludicrous."
"I would suggest though that, instead of charging her because if you take much more time off you could find yourself out of a job, that you simply tell her in advance that you are not available for childcare at short notice and if she has another emergency she's going to have to work it out herself."
"Including not going to work herself if necessary like she's expecting you to."-GoddessofWind
Though it seems like an easy call to make OP the a**hole, the context changed people's judgements.
Thankfully Redditors read all the way through....most of the time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp