The search for love can be disheartening.
The older one gets, the harder the struggle can be.
Sometimes, it feels like people are only searching for perfection.
They have a list of all the traits they want in a potential mate, but it can be hard crossing all those off.
Perfection is elusive.
Learning that truth is never easy.
Redditor AdoraNadora wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my (32 F[emale]) B[est] F[riend] (32 F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My best friend—let’s call her ‘Elle’—and I have been close for 10ish years, and during that time, she’s been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now.”
“Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one.”
“She’s made it clear that she’s unhappy with being single, sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship, and get married sooner rather than later.”
“I can understand her frustrations, especially since she’s the only single friend, wants kids someday, and so on.”
“About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to.”
“Unfortunately, I don’t, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy (who I happen to have met before) who’s single and looking for something serious.”
“Elle was introduced (via text) to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone.”
“Elle says he has a lot of ‘good attributes’ (e.g., very educated, high salary), but she finds him completely unattractive because they’re the same height (he’s 5’7″ and she’s 5’7″) and because of his darker skin tone.”
“I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn’t take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.”
“Elle told me that she’s only interested in men who, in her words, is an ‘8 or better’ (looks-wise), taller than her when she’s wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, making over $100k/year, doesn’t have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.”
“But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she’s unwilling to date a man (like… go out on dates) who won’t commit to waiting until marriage for sex.”
“Yes, she’s religious, but she’s not a virgin and has had sex in all her past relationships.”
“According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn’t firmly agreeing, it’s a no-go.”
“When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.”
“I told her that I think she’s asking for a very tall order, making ‘dating’ harder than it should be.”
“I’m not saying she should compromise on her religious values, but I am trying to tell her that she should be more open-minded about her criteria because she’s looking for a one-in-a-million guy, while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.”
“Elle is now furious at me and says I’m not being a supportive friend.”
“She says that I don’t understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Her criteria are unrealistic, but there’s no use in telling her that. I’d say if she’s serious about ‘waiting for marriage’ then she needs to drop ALL the other criteria and only talk to men AT church.”
“If she’s using it as a filter tool, it’s set too high.”
“My wife and I met on Match back in 2007.”
“We were both divorced parents.”
“On the second date, she explained her ‘6th date rule.'”
“I had no problem with that.”
“We hit it off obviously, and by Date 4 we were re-categorizing ‘visits’ as ‘dates.'”
“Later she told me about her ‘year of first dates’ where she went on a bunch of first dates with guys who she either wasn’t interested in or who lost interest in her over the 6th date rule.” ~ 1962Michael
“As a 29-year-old woman myself, she is majorly shooting herself in the foot.”
“She’s already in her thirties and wants children, so any man that chooses her would automatically be making a concession.”
“I know it sucks to be reduced to our age/reproductive ability, but it’s something she has to be realistic about as she pushes 35.”
“If her partner has to compromise, so does she. NTA.” ~ isthatabingo
“NTA. Apparently supporting her means supporting her standards.”
“So, do that!”
“Support her standards, agree with her that it’s so difficult to find a man who is XYZ.”
“She just needs to understand that supporting her standards means you’re supporting her being single. Those are choices she’s making.”
“She could accept feedback and constructive criticism, but she’d clearly prefer not to.”
“On that note, you can support her but also don’t bother listening to her vent about stuff either.”
“Don’t allow her to complain about things to you that have already been discussed and feedback given(she didn’t like) and have the exact same circular conversation again and again.”
“Shut that down.” ~ Sirix_8472
“NTA. Just nod and smile at her and reassure her with ‘I have NO IDEA why you’re still single!!'” ~ Fartin_Scorsese
“NTA. I’m a man, a regular dude.”
“I pay for all my own stuff, support my family, and generally try to treat everyone I meet with respect and dignity.”
“She is asking too much.”
“Her standards are astronomically high.”
“Her dating pool maybe 1% of men in the US alone.”
“In your area, it could be 0.01% of men. She’s simply not going to find what she’s looking for. Period.”
“If she doesn’t alter her high standards, she will live her life alone and be miserable.” ~ Inner-Nothing7779
“NTA. How shallow of her.”
“And with ridiculous height standards.”
“She’s awful.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“NTA. The sex part is honestly none of your business.”
“Maybe she takes her religion more seriously now than she did in the past?”
“That’s fine, she’s allowed to believe something different now than before, it just means she should be looking for men who openly follow that religion.”
“If that were her main requirement, it would be a NAH judgment.”
“But for all the other stuff… there’s no ‘religious’ reason for being shallow and racist.”
“What happens if she finds her dream guy, but develops a chronic illness that causes him to gain a lot of weight?”
“Loses his job due to the company selling?”
“Is in an accident that scars/disables him?”
“Will he still be her ‘dream’ man?”
“Heaven forbid something happen to her and she no longer meets his standards.”
“She doesn’t sound ready for marriage with criteria that shallow.” ~ napincoming321zzz
“NTA. She might as well become a nun and join a convent because she’s never going to find a guy with all of these crazy standards and requirements.” ~ Tdluxon
“NTA. Let her be alone.”
“I’ve had to have similar conversations with my single friends who constantly vent about not being able to find someone.”
“I think that out of all standards, looks should be on the bottom of the list.”
“Moral/worldview standards are another thing.”
“But I simply will not listen to someone whine about being single when all they ever go for is the same standard issue frat boy/sorority girl type.”
“I tried to set up a friend with a great guy who she actually had a lot in common with, but because he wasn’t a 6’3” white guy with a popped collar she wasn’t into it.”
“Oh well.”
“I don’t expend my effort helping her date anymore and she knows damn well what my input will be if she complains, so she doesn’t anymore.”
“I also used to work with a guy, we would go out dancing sometimes and he would either refuse to ask girls he was into to dance, or he shot down everyone I pointed out who wasn’t petite and blonde.”
“Again, oh well.”
“I have so little patience for people who complain about the same problems all the time but refuse to make any changes.” ~ txwildflowers
“NTA, but apparently I found out about the 6/6/6 qualification in men on another subreddit just now which is over 6′ in height, over 6″ in length, and 6 figures in salary, and only 1 out of 250 men meets those qualifications.”
“So it’s a pretty tall order for her to get this, interested in her, etc… especially, considering her age.”
“IF she was in the mid-20s, sure, but at 32, it gets harder and harder.”
“That’s the reality of things.” ~ nomisr
“NTA. A rough estimate with some caveats looks like this.”
“Approximately 125m adult males in the US.”
“Roughly 14% of men are at least 6 feet or taller. 20% earn 100k or more per year.”
“Combining just those two criteria means leaves roughly 2.9% at 3.6m men.”
“However, adding the factors of being Christian (63%) and having no children (roughly 40% for the high-earning age bracket) leaves… well.”
“900k men, or 0.7% of men.”
“So she can choose from 0.7% of men WITHOUT adding criteria of being at least an 8 in attractiveness and wanting to wait with sex until marriage?”
“Yeah. If she is a 0.001% girl, maybe.”
“If not, she needs to hear what you have to say, unpleasant as it may be. NTA.” ~ Inside-Witness-7756
“NTA, You are giving your best advice to your friend.”
“With that said, her rules could go out the window when she finds the right guy, which is how I interpret these rules.”
“She really going to find a guy making 250grand but rule him out on not having the advanced degree.”
“Also if she never followed the sex rule before, I doubt she will now.”
“Just my take, but I don’t think the rules prevented anything, she just didn’t find the guy yet.” ~ Tricky-Marsupial-477
“Well… she has unrealistic standards, and her mentioning salary as a good attribute to the guy is a big old yikes from me.”
“Not to mention that nonsense about skin color and height.”
“You’re NTA.” ~ CmdrHoratioNovastar
“LOL, it sounds like your friend already has exactly the man she deserves: none.”
“I can understand calling out her ridiculous requirements at the moment because I think anyone would have a hard time not responding to that incredulously, but in the future, you’re best not engaging on this topic.”
“You won’t change her mind and it’s not worth the drama. NTA.” ~ Trilobyte141
“NTA. Your friend has some crazy unrealistic standards.”
“I think everyone in this comment section is jumping the gun and calling her a racist though.”
“People can’t control what they’re physically attracted to and may want a partner who does or does not look like them for various reasons.” ~ NorthYEG_
“NTA For context, I am a woman over thirty.”
“I REALLY don’t like hearing women (or anyone else) talk about physical measurement minimums when they are dating.”
‘If a guy says he won’t date a woman with breasts smaller than size D, women get mad and say he’s sexist.”
“However, some of those same women will then say they won’t date anyone under six foot tall.”
“What are they thinking?!”
“I know a woman who openly talks about her dating requirements – minimum height, penis length, and salary.”
“She asks potential dates about these things before even meeting them.”
“I can’t help thinking though – you never asked if he was kind.”
“You were focused on other criteria.” ~ aequorea-victoria
“NTA. But as a guy who has seen her type, I can tell you that if a guy who looks like a 9+ comes around with 100k+ in salary, her other requirements can take a hike real fast.”
“Some people, not only lie to others, they lie to themselves far more.” ~ machyume
“You’re NTA, but this isn’t a battle I’d fight.”
“You don’t have to talk Elle out of her unrealistic dating standards.”
“If she wants to have them, let her have them.”
“Either she’ll find out on her own how unrealistic they are… or maybe she meets that unicorn (which happened to one of my friends, who had very specific dating criteria she knew were unrealistic).” ~ roseofjuly
“NTA. I’m 29, 5’10”, white man, Christian, attend church twice a week, virgin, first responder making over 100k, wants kids.”
“I have everything that she wants, but she’s not a virgin, so I’m not interested.”
“Tell her to lower her standards without compromising her religious beliefs.” ~ lawrencemrcool2
“NTA. You’ve said your point and she rejected it.”
“There’s no real need to press this further I’d say.”
“You won’t really convince her till she digs herself into a deeper hole of her own making.”
“Kinda sounds like she’s come to a generic used car dealer and asked to get a Mercedes, no more than a few hundred miles on the clock, no older than 2023, and sub 15k.”
“There might be something like that out there… but that unicorn ain’t exactly something to expect.”
“And even then, who knows what the hidden issues are?”
“Just leave her be and the requirements will slowly start to disappear as she gets more desperate.”
“It’ll be her own battle to face though, as she seems to be missing the core idea that while she has a list of requirements, the men she meets will also have one.”
“She’ll figure it out and if she’s your friend, be there to pick up the pieces.”
“Or she won’t and will end up a bitter spinster.”
“Again – if you’re her friends then just do what you’d normally do together.” ~ BobR969
“NTA. All of these men will be taken at this stage.”
“Seems like she secretly DOES want to be alone.”
“As someone else had said, with waiting until marriage thing she might as well completely limit her search to church.”
“And she’s not going to meet all the other criteria and that.”
“She should AT LEAST go out on a date.”
“Maybe she thinks she doesn’t want to waste time but to me, putting up all these filters before she even goes on a single date tells me she knows this isn’t a winning strategy.” ~ CantEatCatsKevin
“NTA, she obviously isn’t that concerned about finding someone if she is hell-bent on finding someone who meets her criteria.”
“If that’s what she wants then she needs to be on a religious dating app or going to church events to try and find her holy Grail.”
“Eventually, she will lower her criteria but how long before that happens and how long of a pity party there will be before then is up for debate.” ~ Sqweee173
“You are NTA.”
“Lol, she’s got a nice shopping list.”
“She’s not actually looking for a person; she’s more like looking for an object.” ~ MakalakaPeaka
“NTA. Tell her to sign up for Christian Mingle dot com.” ~ PDK112
“She’ll be single for a long time.” ~ StayStrong888
Reddit believes you did the right thing, OP.
Your friend needed a reality check.
But she had to be faced with some basic truths.
She’s waiting for a perfect Unicorn.
They don’t exist.
But a perfectly suitable partner is out there if she’s willing to lose this list.