A woman was excited to have her first child, but her mother was even more thrilled at becoming a grandparent.
This level of enthusiasm can be a blessing, but for the first-time mom, it was turning into the opposite.
When things got a little dramatic, the ensuing tension led the woman to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Dirty-Diane999 asked:
“AITA for not giving my mom a “grandmother experience” with my baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
I (27 F[female]) had my first baby six months ago, and my mom (52 F[female]) has been over the top obsessed with being a grandmother. I expected her to be excited, but I didnt realize she saw this as her big life event.”
“Before my son was even born, she started acting like she was gearing up to raise him alongside me. She set up a full nursery at her house, kept talking about all the weekends he’d be spending with her, and told me she planned to be there for all the firsts. It was weird, but I brushed it off as excitement.”
The OP continued:
“Then he was born, and it got worse. She constantly criticizes everything I do. If I let him nap in my arms, Im spoiling him, if I don’t bring him over enough, I’m keeping him from her. She’s started showing up unannounced, and if I don’t let her take the baby alone, she acts hurt, like I don’t trust her.”
“The final straw was last week at a family gathering. I was holding my son when she suddenly reached for him and tried to take him out of my arms, saying I needed a break. I pulled back and told her, ‘I dont need a break, Mom. Ive got it.’ She looked stunned and barely spoke to me for the rest of the night.”
“Later, she sent me this long message about how I’m denying her the grandmother experience and treating her like a stranger. Now my dad and siblings are saying I should let her be more involved because she just loves him so much.”
“I do not want to shut her out, but I also do not want to feel like I have to share my baby and be constantly criticized. Am I being too harsh?”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Oof. No. She has this imaginary vision of what being a grandma is and she will take anything from you to get it. Listen to your internal voice, and tell her no.” – biblio_squid
“I understand she wants to be a part of his life, which is great! But she needs to understand you need time with him yourself to learn and parent in your own way, without having her constantly giving suggestions, everyone’s parenting is different she needs to let you breathe a bit, she can still be in his life without acting like his mother though that’s your job.” – Away-Elephant-4323
“NTA. Your mom only gets to have as much contact with your son as you and your partner decide. She doesn’t get a vote in the matter.”
“You should gently let her know that if she keeps overstepping your boundaries, she is liable to get to see him less since by doing so, she is disrespecting you.” – Flatulent_Opposum
“NTA. Your baby is not a community project, and your mom is acting like she signed up for a co-parenting role she was never offered. Loving her grandkid is great, but boundary stomping and guilt trips? Not so much. She can be involved without taking over. “ – SableDove
“Denying her the ‘grandmother experience’”
“…made me eye roll so hard. Ugh. Sorry your mom is inserting herself into your ‘motherhood experience’! It won’t be easy, but you’ll need to have a heart-to-heart with her and find a happy medium, or this will only get worse.”
“Be honest, tell her you are starting to pull back because you don’t appreciate being criticized at every turn, and you want to get to a place where having her help is pleasant and welcome vs being stressful. Use that word, ‘Mom, I love you but you’re stressing me out…we need to find a balance between your grandmother experience and my motherhood experience.’ NTA – Good luck OP “ – MarionberryOk2874
“Your mother is wildly overstepping. I would stop giving into her immediately. Cold turkey! If she continues to push your boundaries then you cut her off. It may be harsh but maybe she will get it together l.”
“You also need to set the same standards with your father and siblings. She will get what grandmother privileges you feel are appropriate. Otherwise she can have none. Your baby. Your choice. Nothing else matters.” – thatlady425
“NTA. It sounds like you’re trying to be a good mom and protect your relationship with your child, which is your right. Your mom is crossing boundaries and acting as if she has more say over your baby than she does. It’s understandable that she’s excited, but she needs to respect your role as a mother and your decisions.”
“You’re not keeping her from being involved, but you’re also not obligated to let her dictate your parenting style or take the baby when she demands. You’re allowed to have boundaries with your own child, and she needs to learn to respect that.” – Impressive_Rub_7054
“I feel like you could kick the can down the road a bit by saying to your mother that as your kid gets older she can take a more active role but kids when they’re under 2 or 3 are extremely attached and reliant on their mother.”
“Would be his be something you could say for your own sanity?”
“It annoys me when grandparents are too interfering with the stage when a baby is literally an inert bundle who can’t consent or protest. She should really wait until the kid can start making their choices and preferences because it won’t be that long. Children grow up so fast.”
“(p.s. She shouldn’t be criticising you. Be firm with that and say ‘that’s they way you’d do it but I going to do it my way’)”
“At worst it’s emotionally manipulative to get the whole family on her side with a sob story.” – DaphneCatastrophe
“NTA. Honestly, this screams ‘I wanted another baby of my own but never got it’, and if you give her an inch she’s gonna take a freaking mile. Firm boundaries should be set now and adhered to at all times, even when it seems like she’s changed, because that’s just a diversion tactic to catch you slippin’. Your siblings and dad can also butt the hell out. “ – Literal_Cheesehead12
“Your mom needs to realize that this baby is YOUR baby. While it doesn’t excuse her behavior at all, she’s likely finishing menopause and feeling wack. However, she needs to adjust her expectations. I anticipate the more she pushes, the less you are interested.”
“I would 100% start with boundaries, like you must call before you show up.”
“NTA.” – Outrageous_Clue_9262
“You’re not being harsh. You need to make boundaries. You are the mother. Your mother had her kids. Your mother is stressing you out having unrealistic expectations of you, the baby and her giving you her opinion.”
“Not only that but your lazy family just wants you to do what your mother wants. Talk about pressure. You should probably put her on an attention diet. Any time she gives you her opinion, you won’t go over to her house. Anytime she tries to take the baby, you pack it up and go home, or if she’s at your house, tell her to leave.”
“Make it clear to her that she gets no say whatsoever in your mothering, in the baby’s care, and in any decisions about you and the baby. You’re a full-grown woman, and you won’t tolerate her interference. Things will go smoothly when grandma minds her Ps and Qs.”
“Tell your family you won’t tolerate their BS either. You don’t have time or patience for it.”
“You are not on this earth to entertain your mother’s fantasies. Neither is your child.” – ritlingit
“Wow. How exhausting. It’s not like you aren’t busy trying to figure out the mom stuff; now you need to figure out the grandma stuff? Feel free to say No.’ It is a complete sentence.”
“If you have the energy, call a family meeting and have a blunt discussion about how you need this time to bond with your child and figure out what being a mom means. Let your mom know that you love and appreciate her support, and you are grateful that she is available when you need a break.”
“But (pause, look at mom) you need time and space to figure out how being a mom works. Mom had her opportunity. She is a great mom. And when you have a handle on the mom-thing, and when your child is older, you will be excited for her to have an occasional sleepover. But that is a long ways away.”
“The reason I suggest a family meeting is so that everyone is reading from your page. Not the same page, YOUR page. Then mom, dad, aunts, uncles, whatever cannot come back and say that you blah blah blah. At the end of the day, your child is your child (well, you and hubs), and you are responsible for all care and management of whatever happens in these early years.”
“Congrats on your new babe. Good luck. You’ve got this!! NTA” – Lucky-Guess8786
Overall, Redditors remained supportive of the OP for taking a stand against her mother for going overboard in her new role as a grandma.
They lauded the OP for prioritizing herself to bond with her baby over accommodating her mother’s constant need to take care of her new grandson.
While a helpful grandparent isn’t a bad thing, setting boundaries for her interaction with the baby might be best in this scenario.