When it’s over, it’s over.
But being able to recognize when a relationship is beyond salvaging is difficult.
A wife who wonders why she’s bothering to try to save her marriage turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Apart_Acanthisitta82 asked:
“AITAH for wanting to leave my husband after my miscarriage?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (34, female) have been married to my husband (43, male) for 3 years, together for 5. His 3 kids (ages 18-21) live with us too.”
“We’ve been struggling with infertility pretty much since we got married. Last year was a really rough year for us because I got laid off from my tech job and a couple weeks later he had a stroke.”
“During his stroke I took on EVERYTHING because he literally couldn’t and that was fine. We took a pretty major hit financially and depleted our savings and wracked up quite a bit of debt.”
“Fast forward to June this year. We’d started going to a fertility clinic, I was working fulltime, my husband was doing much better and had made about a 90% recovery, but I was still doing literally everything for the house (cleaning, finances, letting the kids use my car for school and work, cooking, etc…).”
“Anytime I asked for help, it was either dismissed or turned into an argument where he’d shut me out/give me the silent treatment then have the audacity to expect sex later that night with no apology or accountability.”
“I finally got pregnant late May, but lost it 6 weeks later. That experience broke me. I didn’t get out of bed for a week, I was in pain, I wasn’t feeding myself, and I was miserable.”
“During the roughly 4 weeks I was out of work and just depressed, he didn’t do a single thing around the house, let the dishes and laundry pile up, and basically carried on as if life was fine.”
“One night in particular, he asked if I was ‘okay’ and I told him no and that I was in pain and hadn’t eaten and he just got on his phone. Didn’t even offer to get me food.”
“To make it worse, when I finally got up and said I’m making myself something, he asked me to make something for him too, knowing I was still bleeding and in pain.”
“It took me a few more months before I kind of woke up from the depression of losing my baby and began seeing just how emotionally neglectful he’d really been this whole year. Not to mention the financial abuse—withholding that he was $15k behind on taxes and lying about having money for our vacation, only to have nothing and make me max out my credit cards to cover it.”
“So now we’re filing bankruptcy on top of all this. I decided to have a very serious conversation with the ultimatum of marriage counseling and he completely dismissed everything I had to say, said I was overreacting, that the financial stuff wasn’t a big deal, and he refused marriage counseling.”
“That’s the soft version. But after that convo was the first time I seriously considered just packing up and leaving.”
“After nearly 2 weeks of silent treatment, lots of hurtful comments, and defensiveness, he finally caved and apologized and agreed to do counseling even though he said he won’t like it.”
“I thought his apology was genuine, and as soon as I kissed him and said I felt better, he immediately asked for sex. So now I feel like he’s only sexually motivated, but not because he actually cares about how much he’s hurt and neglected me.”
“So even though he’s agreed to counseling, I feel like I don’t even want to work on this relationship anymore. But I also feel guilty because he’s a good person, goes to work every day, doesn’t cheat, etc…”
“But he’s the definition of emotionally unavailable/neglectful. I’ve recently realized he’s a dismissive avoidant for those who know about attachment theory.”
“So, am I the a**hole for wanting to ‘give up’ without trying to work on the relationship more?”
The OP later added:
“His children are mostly self-sufficient and do their own laundry. They don’t clean their dirty dishes or help clean common areas, but they do clean their rooms, bathrooms, and handle the trash.”
“At this point, they contribute more than my husband, so how can I expect them to contribute more to the house when their own dad doesn’t do anything?”
“100% there’s no way I would’ve married him if he’d acted like this while dating. And also, I tell myself if this were happening to a friend, I’d be screaming for her to leave.”
“One piece that keeps holding me back is that I feel like he changed after his stroke, so maybe he just needs therapy and to work on himself. Or maybe he’s always been this way and he just dropped the facade when he was no longer healthy enough to keep it up.”
“He used to always say ‘one day you’re going to get tired of me and leave’ and I’d just laugh it off, but maybe he was lowkey warning me this whole time.”
“And yes, I’ve had thoughts lately that maybe my body was protecting me by having the miscarriage, but then I spiral into self-guilt around that. I’ve started therapy to try and work on that piece more.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to stop trying to save her marriage (NTA).
“NTAH. This guy will never improve. People like this will go to counseling, learn new vocabulary, and get new tools to use and abuse their partner. I’ve been there, and it’s horrible and incredibly disheartening.”
“OP, my heart breaks for you. You deserve so much better than this. Being single is better than having a sh*tty partner.” ~ jadedbeats
“NTAH. Leave and be done with him.” ~ t-mckeldin
“And be done with his ADULT age ‘children’ too! Nowhere does OP mention where they’ve done anything to help out around the house or contribute to the household in any way.”
“And last, but not least!”
“Don’t have any children with this man. He’s not going to change. He’s showing you who he is in living color, and if you have to beg for common decency and love from him, you are doomed to be miserable if you stay married to him.” ~ NotTheBadOne
“NTA. He abandoned you emotionally when you needed him most. Counseling won’t fix someone who doesn’t actually want to change. You’re not giving up, you’re choosing yourself.” ~ lovelopetir
“Personality changes after a brain injury are a real thing. Sounds like you lost the guy you fell in love with. You really need to look out for your own well-being at this point and let his adult children take over his care. Let him implode all on his own. His brain will likely not get better, unfortunately.” ~ HappyDoggos
“My ex-fiancé had a stroke 10 months into our relationship. I stayed with him, but he changed. He became emotionally abusive, and although we tried couples counselling, that only made it more clear that he was treating me badly.”
“It took me several years to leave him because I kept thinking he would get past it, it was the stroke, and he was getting better. But he didn’t, and I finally walked away. Sometimes you just need to walk to save yourself.” ~ Edmee
“It is possible that he changed after his stroke, but not in a way that therapy can fix. Depending on what area of the brain the stroke affected, he may permanently have less empathy and emotional control. This behavior may have always been part of his personality, but he knew it wasn’t socially acceptable or conducive to a relationship.”
“At the very, very least, I would stop with the fertility treatments and speak to his doctors about whether personality changes are a symptom of his type of stroke, and, if so, would therapy be helpful.”
“Because if not, this is the man who your husband is going to be for the rest of his life. And it does not sound like a man who is a good partner or who you want to have children with, but that is a decision you’ll have to come to together.”
“Also, good for you for getting into therapy for yourself—miscarriage is so hard, and there is so much unwarranted guilt attached to it. You’ve got so much going on. I’m really glad that you’re seeking help.” ~ nursejacqueline
“It’s highly probable the stroke changed him. My dad had a 3 day coma and a very mild stroke 6 months later, and while doctors said there was no damage, we noticed the small differences.”
“Here’s the kicker; my dad took the initiative to get himself a neurologist, therapy, and meds because he saw the problems and didn’t want them to get worse.”
“Your husband doesn’t see a problem with his behavior and doesn’t want to change. He just wants to keep the sex machine working.”
“No amount of marriage counseling or individual therapy will help if he doesn’t want to get better. Why would he?”
“He abandoned you during your miscarriage—he might have physically been there, but he did nothing to ease your burden, just let everything build up around him because he saw that as your job to handle—and you still stayed.”
“It’s not your responsibility to fix someone who likes being broken.” ~ Straystar-626
Therapy is only effective for individuals who are willing to change.
OP can’t force her husband to treat her better. She can only control what she does in response to his mistreatment.