Wedding dresses can be a major expense, but they don’t need to be. Second hand shops can be sources for wedding attire. Or family members may have a dress that can be borrowed.
But if a family member has plans of their own for their dress, they may not want it altered or possibly stained or otherwise damaged.
A former bride who wants to wear her wedding dress again turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother asked if a cousin could borrow it.
ComprehensiveBee4097 asked:
“AITA for not allowing my cousin to wear my wedding dress for her wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“First off, I want to start by saying that me and said cousin are not close! We used to be, but we aren’t really now and haven’t been for years. My mum however is incredibly close with her and treats her like her own daughter.”
“I want to start this off by saying I got married last year in September. I got married on holiday and we told no one until after we got married only my parents attended.”
“We had pink, gold and purple and cream/white as our colour. I had a tiara with my hair half up half down curled. We had our reception when we got back etc… and had bridesmaids and groomsmen as of which my cousin was not a part of the bridal party.”
“We had a lovely cake, decor (all colour themed as stated above), I changed dress half way through and all groomsmen had grey suit with pink ties to tie in with the theme.”
“My cousin got engaged in December and has rushed through her wedding to June due to family members being ill, etc… I’ve been really supportive making sure if she needs anything I’m here and trying to help family to make it special.”
“Now when she spoke to me a few weeks ago, she’s arranged most of it. She’s doing the exact same colours down to the same colour suits for the groom etc…”
“She’s also doing her hair the same I had it, but with a veil instead of a tiara. I don’t have an issue with it as it’s fairly popular or maybe I just sparked her imagination or something.
“Now she’s using all of the same vendors for cake, decor, etc… (here is where I thought like, OK, cool she really liked it). She’s said she was getting a dress from Shein or a certain dress shop.”
“My mum is thoroughly excited for her as of course I am too. We had a conversation where I joked and said I must have inspired her. My mum laughed and said she’s get her dress from SHEIN or ____.”
“I said okay sounds nice and she mentioned to me ‘Do I think she would fit in my dress?’ I of course said no, as we are completely different body types and it’s fitted to me.”
“The conversation between me and my mum took a turn by her saying that she deserves to have a really nice wedding dress which I agreed to and was then told ‘can’t she just “borrow” mine’.”
“I’ll be honest, I flipped out and said, ‘No, she cannot use mine. It’s my dress bought for me by my grandparents who are no longer with us and it would have to be altered and wouldn’t be the same after she had it fitted to her’.”
“I was then told can’t I just be happy for her. As it turns out my cousin had mentioned to my mum that she liked my dress and that’s where this has come from.”
“I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but we are the only 2 girl grandchildren and I have always fought to be different than her as I’m younger. ‘Following in her footsteps’ used to be my most hated phrase, so I became different to not hear it as much.”
“She’s using all the same stuff that I did other than having her wedding in the UK and now they’re asking for my dress too!”
“So AITA?”
“I would like to keep it to wear again for my vow renewals with my husband and then to pass down to a daughter or daughter-in-law.”
“I’m not that bothered about her ‘copying’ as it’s quite funny to me, but wanting my wedding dress too is a bit much.”
“My wedding dress was bought over a year ago and paid for. Originally, it was for our wedding that we were planning in the UK, but my grandparents passed away in 2024, so we pushed the wedding planning aside.”
“Then we decided to get eloped in September due to feeling like we were married anyway and wanting it to be official.”
“We did this as I didn’t want the family drama that we had in 2024 when originally planning the big family wedding in the UK.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I didn’t want my cousin to wear my wedding dress for her own wedding because I’m fed up with being copied. I feel as though maybe it was mean as she is having a wedding on a budget.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I am not surprised to read your very last lines. My bet is that cousin—and probably the rest if the family to varying degrees—think of her as the Golden FirstBorn and you as the RunnerUp.”
“She’s copying you because clearly it was HER idea first and the timing just worked out for the copycat (YOU) to actually go first! So of COURSE you would ‘share’ your dress since it was HER idea in the first place, right?”
“But I digress, as the reasons why your mom doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with your cousin destroying your dress for her use don’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you said no, and your mother needs to respect your answer.”
“That she tried to bully you into giving it up means you need to hide that dress until well after your cousin is divorced!” ~ NYC-WhWmn-ov50
“NTA. Does your cousin even want your dress? It doesn’t sound like she does, and your mom is assuming that she wants it because she mentioned she liked it.”
“Ask your mother, ‘Mom, cousin told me she planned on getting her dress from a specific shop, but she hasn’t asked me if she can borrow my dress. Why are you trying to force my dress onto her?’.” ~ naranghim
“NTA, does your mom always put herself first over you? It’s sad that you’re not her priority.” ~ Historical-Dingo3845
“NTA. And have a friend store your dress for you now. Otherwise, your dress may mysteriously go missing after your mother, cousin, or aunt visits. Also, no is a complete sentence. Refuse to discuss the matter further with your mother and tell her you are hanging up.” ~ Technical-Neck7407
“Yes, store your dress with a friend and tell nobody at all, not even your husband. Buy a very cheap used wedding dress and store that in your closet in case someone goes through your closet looking for the wedding dress.” ~ No_Mix_7068
“Dear gods, this OP!! People who will push and push at boundaries like this will just TAKE and tell you to get over it.”
“Hide your dress under lock and key somewhere nobody else knows about, otherwise your mother and/or cousin is going to come around ‘to visit’, sneak into your bedroom, and steal your dress.” ~ kittenwolfmage
“I guess it was OK for you to be asked; it is not OK for you to be argued with or second-guessed or pressured or guilt-tripped when you say no.”
“So here are a few more sentences. ‘I don’t want to discuss this further. Please call back when we can talk about something else. Bye’.”
“It’s your wedding dress. It’s special and it has tremendous sentimental value for you. It’s completely reasonable and not at all selfish for you not to lend it out. NTA.” ~ Nester1953
“NTA. I would say to your mom, ‘How about supporting my decision for a change? I said no, and I don’t want to hear another word about it’.” ~ Gattina1
“It’s a perfectly reasonable boundary, and her mom should be the first one to respect it instead of trying to guilt her. No is a complete sentence.” ~ New_Hearing4693
“NTA. Frankly, I didn’t have to read all of that to come to my conclusion. It is your dress. It is a special dress that holds meaning for you. No one is owed use of it. It’s ridiculous to even be put in a position where you have to consider it.” ~ Elegant_Bluebird_460
“NTA. Why do people assume other people’s possessions are theirs to lend/give?” ~ paisley_life
“I am also wondering why the cousin didn’t want her own dress. To me, it’s 2nd hand. Why doesn’t she want her original? NTA.” ~ Honey_loves_bear
“The post doesn’t say the cousin wants OP’s dress, it just says that she said she liked the dress. It seems like OP’s mom may have just decided that OP should let her use the dress for some reason.” ~ Historical-Juice-172
“Absolutely NTA—it’s your dress, and even if it fit her and didn’t need alterations, it’s still your choice whether or not she can use it. Especially because it would need alterations, absolutely no she cannot borrow it.”
“Hold firm and store it at a friend’s house until after the wedding if you are concerned it could be snatched.” ~ HulaHulaHula1983
“NTA. It’s a no-brainer that you would not want to share your wedding dress with your cousin (who you’re not even close to). It has special significance to your relationship. It’s obvious that your mom has a soft spot for your cousin so she’s not seeing clearly.”
“If she thinks your cousin deserves a nice wedding dress, maybe she can help her pay for a new one. Your cousin is really something else. I can’t imagine asking to borrow someone’s wedding dress….the audacity.” ~ Nimlily
Well, Shein is always still an option.
There are loads of other places to find an affordable dress.
But yours is spoken for.