Some people aren't the marrying kind and end up never saying "I do."
Others, well, they say "I do" repeatedly. If there are children involved, the revolving door of stepparents can get emotionally messy and confusing.
A daughter drawn into her father's fourth divorce decided living with him wasn't a good idea, but her father disagreed.
So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Quadruplewhammy asked:
"AITA for not moving in with my dad because he won't respect my one boundary?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My dad (56, male) is currently divorcing his fourth wife, my step-mum (57, female). They were together for a decade and I (21, female) saw her as a parental figure, but never called her mum."
"They separated around 8 months ago and now have their own flats."
"For these 8 months, I have been most of my dad's emotional support. He'd call me and cry on the phone, in person, and over text."
"I've helped as much as I could, talked him through it, gave him advice, suggested finding new hobbies to expand his circle, all while trying to keep on top of my uni work and working part-time. Needless to say, my plate is full."
"Two months ago, he told me he wanted to try and get back together with her. I told him that it probably wasn't a good idea as at this time she had a new boyfriend, but they met up anyway."
"Apparently it was a very emotional talk and she still wanted to go through with the divorce, but there was a chance of reconciliation. She told him she wanted to keep it a secret for 6 months to a year if they got back together—telling none of their respective kids."
"My dad told me anyway and I said that sounded suspicious. She then wanted him to sign papers without taking them to a solicitor, but I convinced him to have a solicitor look at them anyway.
"I'm not 100% sure of the exact documents, but she lied about what the document was. Basically, if he had signed this she would have had access to his state pension."
"He said he would 'take her to the cleaners' for that."
"Well, 2 months later and they've blocked each other and 'reunited' multiple times. They recently went on a weekend away togehter, he gave her his ring, she then blocked him again."
"They're now seeing each other again and she will apparently be coming round to his flat often. Throughout all of this he's been confiding in me, including stuff I—as his daughter—really shouldn't know."
"I feel very overwhelmed by all of this, and at this point, I'm so tired of all the drama. He says he 'can't give up' on her—at this point it's cringe-inducing."
"He's always going on about 'having to take the chance' because he 'still loves her'. Apparently he tried it with my mum after they divorced too, but she completely rejected him."
"I confronted him a few weeks ago that he sounded like an addict always looking for that dopamine hit from her and not caring who else his actions affect."
"I asked him a few months ago if I could live with him for my third year of uni since rent is increasing. We talked about me paying him rent, came up with what we both thought was a fair sum, and agreed I could move in by July."
"All I asked was that he let me know when she would be coming round so I could make myself scarce. I have no interest in having any sort of relationship with her after our family was separated."
"He agreed and guaranteed he would text me if she was coming. From what I can tell, she only comes to his flat."
"Come to today, where not only does he inform me that she will be coming round without warning, but she will also be getting keys!"
"I said I had one condition. One measly condition that I would have warning of her presence."
"He told me to 'just chill' and 'we will come and go as we please'."
"So AITA for no longer wanting to move in with him?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I changed my mind about moving in with my dad."
"He says I should be more chill about it, we had already agreed I'd move in, and that I should just deal with it."
"So I want to know if I'm being irrational."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA and don't move in with him, if you do then you'll be his live-in therapist." ~ author124
"NTA. He's already breaking the one, extremely reasonable, boundary you're setting. It will only get worse once you've moved in and it won't be easy for you to leave."
"Don't do this. You aren't your dad's emotional support animal." ~ Vandreeson
"NTA. You need some time away from your dad, and therapy to establish healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for your father's feelings or emotions, he is a grown man."
"You are his child, not his emotional crutch. I'd suspect you've been managing his emotions or being his therapist in some way or another since you were a child, considering how quickly you both fell into the current dynamic."
"If that's the case, that's all on him, he used you, maybe not consciously….but your child should not be your emotional support to that level. Best of luck OP." ~ superrm81
"OP, please also stop carrying his emotional baggage. He's old enough and married enough to know the likely results of his choices and he's choosing to set his face on fire, over and over."
"He can be ridiculous and impetuous all on his own. Don't know if the pension/$ decisions affect you long term."
"Either way, 'Dad, you've shown what choices you are going to make. I WILL NOT BE THERE to live with you, take care of you or provide for you financially in any way especially if you CHOOSE to let her take advantage of you. Your choices and their consequences ARE ENTIRELY YOUR OWN. I'm not available to be your emotional support animal. Make sure you have an alternate back up plan because I am not it'."
"We are so often convinced we OWE our elders. No, no you don't. You owe YOU to make good decisions for your life and nothing else."
"Love, honor, respect and support are EARNED. He has tapped that metaphorical bank and drained it dry. NTA." ~ No_Appointment_7232
"Definitely NTA. You said it yourself—you had one condition. And that condition wasn't for her to never come by. It was merely to give you a warning when she would."
"You're clearly in the right. Also, not to sound like I'm being judgmental, but if your dad has had four marriages fall apart, it sounds like he needs a reality check on his relationship skills."
"Regardless, you've been more than generous supporting him." ~ ironchef8000
"Find somewhere else to live. Get a flatmate. Don't live with your father."
It's straightforward—you don't want her coming and going and your dad does want her coming and going."
"It's your Dad's place, so she will be coming and going. If you don't want that, you need to live elsewhere. NTA." ~ peonyhen
"NTA. You don't want to interact with her and he's planning on giving her keys‽‽ Yea, don't move in with him. Find a houseshare." ~ TossingPasta
"NTA. Your dad is for the bait and switch. He agreed to what you asked, but then when he went to inform her it became negotiable."
"It's up to him whether to reconcile with his wife and what their boundaries will be, but he should not have made a deal with you and then changed the terms. He should have asked her first if there was any question."
"It sounds like you are already exhausted by their relationship. I think staying away from it is the best for you." ~ 1962Michael
"NTA. You can live or not live with whoever you want and it was unkind of your dad not to at least give you a heads up after agreeing to it."
"But you knew what you were getting yourself into—drama with an emotionally immature dad and whatever your stepmom is. This is the cost of living there for lower rent unfortunately."
"And in an ideal situation, you'd move out with roommates and tell your dad that you can't be his emotional support anymore. Then reinforce the boundary." ~ friendlily
"You shouldn't move in with him at all. He keeps dumping all his problems on you."
"And you'd be dragged into the middle of their arguments all the time; you'll never have any peace. He shouldn't be involving you in his personal life like this anyway."
"He sounds exhausting and self-centered. NTA." ~ No_Confidence5235
"NTA. You can't be best friends with your parents when they are using you as a crutch and then throwing you away when they no longer need you. Until they do again..." ~ Potential-Power7485
"NTA. Don't do it. And PLEASE tell your dad that you are no longer comfortable being his therapist and that he needs to see a professional."
"And repeat that every time he starts emotionally dumping on you. Learn to hang up on him, delete his texts, and block him if you need to." ~ Adventurous-Fig2226
It sounds like the OP needs to set some boundaries with her father which include not living under his roof.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp