When two people move in together and commit either to a long-term relationship or marriage, there’s an assumption that they will share one bedroom and sleep together every night.
But there are benefits to sleeping separately, according to recent studies on sleep hygiene, and sleeping separately speaks much less to the quality of the relationship than people might think, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor shesaysno_ had been with their future husband for two years, and while they were looking forward to getting married, they had some serious problems in the bedroom… with their sleep.
While they could only get a good night’s sleep when they slept separately from their future husband, the Original Poster (OP) felt at a loss when their fiancé insisted on sleeping together, despite snoring loudly and thrashing around in the bed.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by telling my fiancé to stop giving me a hard time about us not sleeping together?”
The OP and their fiancé had very different sleeping habits.
“My fiancé and I have been together for two years.”
“At the start of our relationship, I quickly realized we do not have compatible sleep patterns at all.”
“I am the kind of person who sleeps and wakes at the exact same time every day and NEEDS to do so to feel regulated.”
“He can stay up until 3:00 AM, wake up at 7:00 AM, and go about his day and feel totally fine.”
The OP’s partner also made it impossible for the OP to sleep.
“In addition to this, he is the worst person to sleep next to that I’ve ever met.”
“He literally thrashes around the bed, kicks me, screams at the top of his lungs in his sleep (in multiple languages at that), snores like a truck, and will lie his 6’2” body on TOP of my 5’1” body.”
“When we first started dating, and he’d come over, I would pretty much always have to leave my bed in the middle of the night because it’s unbearable, and I’d get no rest. I’d end up in my spare bedroom, where I don’t like sleeping, and I’d wake up, and he’d be ‘sad’ that I left but said he understood.”
“Eventually, we agreed that it is not fair to me that I be forced to leave my own bed every night, so we just started going to sleep in the different rooms with him in my spare bedroom.”
“He later moved into my house, and we just kept this arrangement.”
But the OP’s fiancé wasn’t okay with their sleeping arrangement anymore.
“Lately, he has been getting increasingly emotional about not being able to sleep in the same bed as me, to the point where he’s spending hours per night pouting about it before we go to sleep.”
“He used to just go, ‘Awwww, I’m sad, I’m gonna miss you!’ but would kiss me goodnight, and that was that. Now he’s acting like a wounded puppy about it, leading me to need to console him and promise him we will ‘find a solution someday.'”
“Tonight he got into my bed and just said, ‘I’m sleeping here.’ I came into the room and said, ‘Please don’t kick me out of my own bed tonight,’ because if he sleeps in my bed, I can’t! This triggered him to storm off and complain that it’s ‘not fair.'”
“I ended up just yelling out of the room that I don’t know what he wants from me or what I’m supposed to do. I said, ‘Do you just want me to never sleep again?’ and he said nothing and just went into the other room.”
The OP was incredibly frustrated by the situation.
“I understand that he misses the intimacy of sleeping next to me, but I can NOT do it.”
“I have a chronic illness and am currently trying to work on my mental health. I NEED to sleep. I am the opposite of the kind of person who can get s**tty sleep and just power through; I will literally collapse.”
“My mental and physical health suffer when I don’t get to sleep, and I already have trouble with it on my own because of my health issues.”
“And I simply can’t sleep next to him because I’m the world’s lightest sleeper, and I can’t deal with the snoring, kicking, flailing, and yelling.”
“Every time I’ve tried to sleep next to him, I feel like I’m going insane all night. I have ended up so exhausted that I’ve fallen asleep sitting up trying to work the next day.”
“But I also can’t handle the emotional labor of having to console him because he can’t be in my bed.”
“Also, I want to add that this has nothing to do with sex. He doesn’t want me to be in the same bed as him for sex. Our sex life is outstanding, and this has never been his complaint. He only complains that he doesn’t get the ‘intimacy’ of sleeping next to me every night.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some sided with the OP and didn’t understand why their future husband was acting like this.
“NOR. Why are people like this about stuff? I had a boyfriend who snored like the bejeezus but would not do a sleep study and then acted sad when I wouldn’t sleep in his bed. It’s literally torture. I don’t get it and never will.” – Active-Designer934
“NOR. He’s refusing to accept that his sleeping the night with you means NO SLEEP for you.”
“It’s harmful and incredibly selfish. My ex-husband used to do something similar. Please get this figured out before you marry him, and don’t marry him if he won’t work on it. You may love him, but you need to love your health, too.” – flamboyantsensitive
“NOR. The onus is on HIM to fix the problem, not you! He is the one with the issues with sleeping that disturb your sleep quality, so what is he doing to find a solution?”
“If the answer is nothing, then he has no one to blame but himself, and trying to put the guilt on you is such bulls**t behavior.”
“If he wants to sleep in the same bed, he needs to proactively be looking for solutions.” – EJK_PlantsAreFriends
“NOR. It’s plain and simple. Interrupting someone’s sleep on a regular basis is torture. Have you tried having him put an app like Shuteye on his phone? It records audio while someone is asleep and then gives ‘highlight’ recordings.”
“I used to be a thrasher and sleep talker, but I grew out of it. It was so bad that I’d end up lying sideways across the pillows and screaming at my brothers so loud that my parents could hear me at the opposite end of a 70-foot mobile home.”
“I wish I knew what changed to cause me to stop, but at least I can offer hope that it can change.”
“There’s a chance that he doesn’t actually realize how bad it is, or believe that it’s happening, so maybe he needs proof.”
“As others have mentioned, especially since you mentioned snoring also, a sleep study is definitely a good idea.”
“The point is: it’s not that you don’t WANT to share a bed with him… It’s not possible unless he finds out the root causes and tries to do something about it.” – socialcluelessness
“NOR. You just described my husband’s and my sleeping habits, as well, except I am the loud, snoring, and thrashing one, and I can sleep for only three hours. We sleep in separate bedrooms, and it has improved our marriage considerably.”
“The difference is that I did a sleep study and got a CPAP machine, and my husband and I agreed it’s still better to sleep apart with occasional slumber parties and, of course, fun time, and that’s been GREAT for us.” – eelorad73
Others encouraged the OP and their partner to do a sleep study before getting married.
“I have two words: Sleep Study.”
“It saved my best friend’s marriage. They had already started couples counseling, and their therapist recommended it. They both say they are 100 percent happier.” – Nana-in-OC-7113
“NOR. The onus is on him to correct the problem. If he wants to sleep with you non-sexually, he needs to see a doctor and pursue at least one sleep study.”
“I’d make that a requirement before even having your bachelor/bachelorette parties, let alone before you get married.” – No_Nefariousness4801
“NOR NOR NOR.”
“Like, literally, what is OP supposed to do to fix the problems he has?”
“The thrashing and screaming sounds like he has intrusive alpha waves, which may or may not be due to the fact that his brain is being regularly deprived of oxygen.”
“Hey may also have a milder form of somnambulance.”
“Literally, there’s nothing she’s going to be able to do to fix that. And it’s TOTALLY fair that she can’t sleep in the same room while that’s happening. Her health matters, too, and it WILL BE affected if her sleep is messed up long-term.”
“And if he’s dead set on making her find the solution? OP cannot be expected to lose what of her health she has left to make him happy. Because at that point, he won’t be happy until she is actually dead.”
“Right now, he genuinely thinks she’s overblowing the situation because he doesn’t like it, and that’s a red flag on its own.” – CasaDeMouse
“NOR, and same, OP. I constantly told my husband his snoring and constant gasping were ruining my sleep. He downplayed it forever.”
“I finally recorded it one night and played it for him the next day. To his credit, he booked the sleep study that day after hearing how HORRIBLE it was.”
“He was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and now uses a CPAP nightly. I tell him often that it literally saved our relationship.” – Suspicious-Table512
“NOR. And instead of being an actual adult taking rational steps to solve or address the issues, he has CHOSEN to bully OP about it and coerce her into compromising her sleep and thus her health.”
“OP, please research manipulative abuse and coercive control.”
“Bottom line: he has multiple health conditions that disrupt and disturb your sleep.”
“He knows how sick it could make you, and he’s CHOOSING to bully you instead of going to a doctor?”
“Does that sound like someone who loves values and appreciates you?” – No_Appointment_7232
As much as the subReddit could understand a couple wanting to sleep in the same bed, sometimes it’s more important to sleep well than to snuggle up and sleep together every night.
But if the OP’s partner really disagreed with that and wanted to sleep together every night, he needed to see a doctor and get a sleep study done, so his health could improve and the OP could sleep in the same room without jeopardizing theirs.