By now, most people have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They were developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to understand the emotional journey of loss.
The stages are not linear. Individuals may experience them in a different order, skip stages, experience multiple stages at the same time, and return to earlier ones during their grieving process.
In the anger stage, individuals might lash out.
While grief can be an explanation for this behavior, it isn't an excuse for it.
Cruelty is still cruelty and requires contrition and amends.
A woman dealing with a cruel widowed sister-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Inlawissues724 asked:
"AITA for telling my grieving sister-in-law I won't invite to her to things if she keeps up her attitude?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (51, female) have been married to my husband Albert (60, male) for almost 24 years now. We have two kids, Josh (22, male) and Jessica (20, female). My brother is Alex (49, male) and his wife is Anastasia (48, female)."
"My husband's brother, Levi, passed away last October at age 61 of cancer. His widow is Christina (69, female), who has always been very bossy, rude, will do favors for people they didn't ask for and be annoyed at them when they aren't overjoyed."
"And if anyone dares to call her out on anything, she refuses to speak to them for some time (included Levi at times)."
"She had an unhappy first marriage and moved to the US from the UK about 28 years ago to try dating over here (and left her then teenagers over there with their dad)."
"When I was pregnant with and later had Josh, she genuinely pretended that Albert and I didn't exist, or would make snide comments. Unfortunately, Levi never asked her to stop."
"They moved back to the UK in 2005, came over to see my in-laws and us once every six years or so, and then back to the US (Nevada) in 2022."
"These past few years they have come to us in Oregon for holidays. One Thanksgiving she yelled at me that she wasn't being 'acknowledged' enough by Jessica, which made me mad because I know for a fact Jessica said hi and talked to her a bit."
"Nowadays: Levi's death has been hard on Albert. I miss him as well, as does his mom, Joanna (88, female). I genuinely do feel for Christina in this regard."
"But last Xmas, Christina made rude comments on Jessica's croptops, saying 'Oh, look whose stomach's out again', and right before she left, she told her 'your stomach's out again, and it's getting chubbier too!'."
"I was so shocked in the moment, I didn't know what to say. Jessica was pretty upset and wished I had said something, and I should have."
"Now Christina's up here to visit for 3 weeks, saying she's 'bored now'. We don't know what to do with her because Albert and I are both employed and our kids are in school."
"But anyway, the conflict: Our kids, plus Alex and Anastasia were over last night. Christina told Jessica at dinner, because of her tank top, that she could see her 'huge shoulders & arms' and that the food would 'keep adding to it'."
"I confronted her about that right then and there, saying that I get that she's grieving, but it doesn't give her the right to be rude, and that we won't invite her to stuff if she has this attitude. She gave me a look of anger, got up and left the table, refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, and went back to Joanna's house (where she's staying)."
"Albert says he agrees with me calling her out, but says I went too far by saying I won't invite her to stuff. Alex and Anastasia disagreed and said that she has been needing a reality check for a while (as both love my kids a lot)."
"Albert is frustrated, though, because he feels that Christina was his brother's wife for 24 years and thus deserves some grace."
"It's just such a messy situation, and maybe I did go too far. She's here for the next few weeks."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my SIL that I won't invite her to stuff if she keeps being rude, but fear I may have gone too far."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. The fact that she lost her husband has nothing to do with any of this. She's a mean person, and I would never spend time around someone who speaks to my children like that." ~ mountainlicker69
"She was an a**hole before his death and remains an a**hole after. Grief is hard on anyone, but it's not an excuse to be rude and body shame your children. NTA." ~ GlitterMeStoked
"Why bother having this black cloud in their lives anymore? The brother has passed, and the post doesn't indicate they had any children. What is compelling everyone to keep her in the family if no one seems to like her and she seems to like no one?" ~ godihatepeople
"I didn't realize there was a 6th stage of grief called 'teen girl body/food shaming'. Does that come before or after 'acceptance'."
"NTA. Read her the riot act and kick her out if she even looks funny at either of your kids. Your daughter is owed that." ~ Daveii_captain
"NTA. I'm pretty shocked at your husband's lack of loyalty to his own children. Wow." ~ HappySummerBreeze
"NTA. Body shaming her niece won't bring back her husband. It is rude and uncalled for. As her mom, you've done the right thing to stand up for your daughter, shut down Christina's comments." ~ CestLaquoidarling
"A close family member of mine has literally died a few hours ago. I've called the funeral directors, they've taken the body, and now I'm doom-scrolling to distract myself."
"I've so far managed not to body shame anyone."
"NTA. The woman can sod right off, stand up for your daughter. No one should be treated poorly. Grief is no excuse." ~ targetsbots
"NTA. I feel like you're being too graceful by 'justifying' her mean comments as an expression of her grief. That's not it—she's just a mean woman, who makes mean comments."
"Good for you for standing up for your daughter, and I do agree with your brother and SIL that this is the reality check your SIL needed."
"I do feel sympathy for your husband; losing a sibling has to be one of the hardest things, but he also has to realize that protecting your daughter is more important than protecting Christina's feelings." ~ azaharinflames
"NTA. If someone made rude and demeaning comments to my daughter about her body, she is getting reprimanded, widow or not. She can still be invited to family events, but it should always be on the condition that she must be kind to her extended family at these events."
"Grieving and snapping or being extra sensitive or short-tempered during the grief is one thing, but as someone who has lost loved ones and grieved deeply, it never caused me to fat-shame someone." ~ Select_Ad9091
"NTA. Your number one job is protecting your children, above all else. She came after your kid, and the fact that you didn't smash her face with a clothes iron the first time she did it is all the grace she gets."
"I've grieved. Millions of people have grieved. It's not a license to be cruel to anyone, much less children (I know 20 is a legal adult, but come-the-f*ck-on.) It may be a license to be anti-social or withdrawn or blue or exhausted, but never, ever does grief excuse cruelty. Full stop." ~ CosmicContessa
"NTA. Her bullsh*t should've been called out ages ago, and she's lucky you haven't already cut her off."
"I don't care how old she is or what she's going through; she doesn't get to bully your child or anyone else. Your husband is failing his daughter by not speaking up or supporting your stance."
"If Christina doesn't know how to respect others, she should be excluded." ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
"Christina is a huge a**hole, and it sounds like she has been her entire life. Losing her husband is a horrible tragedy, but you are correct, it doesn't give her the right to be cruel to everyone else."
"Your husband should be concerned that she's being openly cruel to your daughter repeatedly, and yes, someone like that should stop being invited to events, at least for a time, until they can change their attitude. NTA." ~ justhewayouare
"I was widowed at 35. It was one of the most painful times of my life. Somehow it never occurred to me that saying sh*tty things to other people would help me feel better."
"So I didn't do that. If I had, those people would have been perfectly justified in dumping my a** on the side of the road." ~ calminthedark
"NTA. Any guest in my house, family or not, is treated well and with open arms. However, the moment they show disrespect, I will show them the door."
"Being that they are 'family', if they cross the line again, we're done. My door will not open again."
"If your husband feels so strongly about it, he can go entertain her alone, seeing as it's so important to him to cater to a bully. Especially one that bullies his own daughter." ~ Tomte-corn4093
"I'm sorry, widowhood doesn't confer immunity from out-and-out rudeness or disrespect."
"I've been widowed for 18 months and never felt the inclination to comment on anyone's appearance with anything other than a compliment."
"I think it's fully acceptable to exclude your SIL from any further events you're hosting if she can't exhibit kindness and respect to you all." ~ LadyBAudacious
OP's husband may disagree, but Reddit has her back.
They decided she was justified and fair in how she handled her sister-in-law's unnecessary rudeness.
