There are countless elements that go into making a relationship work and helping it grow into something that will last long into the future.
One of those elements is deciding when to reveal the big things, like a tough past or wealth, which might be different from couple to couple, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Signal_Amphibian7538’s family was wealthy, and he’d watched as past relationships dissolved into money issues and “gold digging” when his partners became more interested in his wealth than him.
When he started dating a woman he really cared about, the Original Poster (OP) was worried about telling her more about his family.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for still not letting my girlfriend know that my family is wealthy?”
The OP came from a wealthy family.
“I (26 Male) have been dating Emma (25 Female) for three months now. Things are great between us, but she has no idea my family is very wealthy.”
“My family’s business is agriculture, and I don’t wanna mention any names due to privacy reasons, but let’s say they’re one of the biggest companies in the states.”
“I grew up with money (private school, nice vacations, and all that stuff), but my parents raised me to value hard work.”
“I have a normal development job and live completely off my own salary.”
“Emma knows I’m doing okay financially since I bought a Toyota last month with my own savings and some extra from freelancing some projects after work.”
The OP was worried about Emma caring more about the money than about him.
“The issue is I’ve been making excuses about why she can’t meet my parents or see their mansion.”
“I keep finding excuses on why we can’t meet them yet (they’re busy with work, travelling, and so on). I’m not ashamed of her at all. I just really like how things are between us like she likes me for me.”
“I’ve had past girlfriends suddenly get very interested once they found out about my family’s money, and it was awful.”
“Am I wrong for keeping this secret? Is three months too soon to worry about gold diggers? Should I just tell her since it’s been three months?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that three months was early, and a dinner out would be enough.
“NTA. Three months is still very early to meet family. You should wait at least another three months.”
“When they meet, choose a regular restaurant, they should dress without being extravagant.”
“There’s no reason for her to see your parents’ mansion before bringing together for a year. Only very serious girlfriend who is wife material should meet family.” – MajorAd2679
“NTA. Just have your parents meet you out for dinner somewhere to meet each other, or come to your place. It’s fine that you don’t want to show her your family home, etc., until you know for sure you’re both serious about the relationship.”
“Just don’t lie and don’t refuse to introduce them or she might start feeling like she might be the other woman, or like you don’t really like her.” – Lala_G
“Meet your parents on neutral territory, BUT make sure they know what you have told her and what you are waiting to tell her. So she doesn’t hear something from someone else and gets mad because you didn’t tell her.”
“Whenever you tell her, if she gets mad because you didn’t tell her, that’s a red flag. She should be able to understand and the ‘why’ behind it. If she doesn’t, then you made the right decision to wait.” – Lazyturtle1121
“If you want her to meet the parents, but not give away the extent of the money, meet them at a restaurant. Ask the parents to be low-key about what they do for a living, although a nice restaurant that establishes that they have a bit of cash is okay.”
“That will prove that you care enough for her to introduce her to the family, which is undoubtedly the issue on her side.” – Echo-Azure
“NTA and meet for lunch/dinner someplace. BUT… in this day and age, do not fool yourself into thinking that either she or one of her friends hasn’t already done a complete background check on you.”
“Women can find stuff out faster than the FBI and mafia. Do not underestimate her! She may already know but has class and seeing where this thing goes because as you said, it’s only been 3 months.” – Leviosapatronis
“I don’t think you’re wrong. It’s such a fine line between telling somebody where it changes the dynamic.”
“There is another way. You can put it to her. Everything you’re doing right now is like walking on a tightrope. Is it too soon? Is it too late? Will she think I’m dishonest”
“There is another way you could handle this, which is to say you’re completely self-reliant. You depend on not your family at all, and almost give the impression that there’s an issue there without saying anything. You can build it up into a sense of building your own self-esteem. It seems that you’re doing well enough on your own.”
“Then you can have some sort of conversation with her, just let her know it is never an option to bring them into it. Over time, you gradually slide her into it, and I might have a conversation with your parents, too. Something similar like I do this completely on my own. I love you. I appreciate you, but this is why. Some variation of that that fits you and is honest enough, but also set boundaries.”
“And I would wait to see if she is a keeper for you, three months is kind of soon. NTA.” – AffectionateWheel386
“I have a similar problem. My parents manage a series of apartments along the coast, their income is in the seven-figure mark, and it’s not hard to find that out, unfortunately.”
“I attended public school, I live in a rental under my name, and is paid for entirely by me and my partner.”
“Here’s my warning. My partner came from borderline poverty and financial strain, we met through online gaming, and only after he met my family, he realised what I came from.”
“Once he found out. He didn’t work as hard. He makes jokes about how good it would be if my parents could ‘float us some bands,’ and if any money troubles come up, his first suggestion is to call my parents.”
“Now I don’t know your partner, she may be a wonderful person. But if she looks the other way whenever the bill comes out. Asks you to buy her things often, and has expensive tastes, but doesn’t have the salary to back up the lifestyle. I would steer clear of showing her what you come from.”
“Just something to think about.” – PepsiMaxCo
Others warned the OP about going on for too long without telling her.
“NTA for not saying anything yet, especially given past experiences. But don’t let it become a deception by omission. If the relationship is getting serious, it’s time to start having honest conversations. Not about wealth but about trust.” – Sure-Selection-4351
“Be careful about this becoming a deception by omission. You’re not special. Wealth is not the only thing that people have to hide in early relationships. We all have something to hide.”
“So come clean about it, and if you find she’s a ‘gold digger,’ then dump her. It’s not that hard. It’s the worst thing you can do: lying.” – Plenty_Surprise2593
“NTA for now. Don’t let it become a lie by omission.”
“Have her meet your parents at a casual restaurant for lunch or dinner before the six-month mark (the radio’s mind binder question of the day this morning said that 87% of people view not meeting your significant other’s parents by the six-month mark of dating is a red flag).”
“But don’t let her be blindsided if your parents invite her home for Christmas if they expect everyone to be dressed up.” – mb21212
“There is a fine line here. While I 100% understand your concerns, if I were on the other side, we have this great relationship that seems to be going somewhere, and you don’t trust me enough to tell me something this important?”
“You need to think about how long until this is lying by omission. I you are dating her once a week, that is one thing, but if you spend most of your time together, the clock is running.”
“I don’t know, if I was dating someone for six months, and they didn’t think they could tell me something this basic, I might be upset by that.” – chinmaker5
“It’s not wrong not to tell a new partner about your family’s wealth, but it does seem kinda wrong to make up excuses to avoid her meeting your family or otherwise finding out about how you were raised. A simple ‘I’m not ready for X’ would suffice because it’s the truth.”
“If you straight up lie to her then yeah, that’s an a**hole move.” – TheStraggletagg
“I was best friends with and later dated a guy in high school, and it was years before I found out his grandparents were wealthy. He didn’t warn me when he took me to his grandparents for the fourth of July, and we pulled up to a gate that opened, then drove up this long road that led to a huge mansion, and I mentally freaked the f**k out.”
“I grew up POOR, was a foster kid for the last ten years, and had no idea what I was in for. I had all these pre-conceived ideas that ‘these people are going to hate me and not think I’m good enough.'”
“They turned out to be some of the warmest, welcoming, and kindest people I’ve ever met. Like, weeks later, I moved from the West Coast to the Midwest and got a care package a few months later with a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and a note saying they were worried I’d get cold.”
“Keep it to yourself as long as you like because in the end, their wealth has no bearing on your relationship and should mean nothing to her when in relation to you, but for goodness’ sake, give her a heads up before they’re to meet her. I’d have dressed a little bit nicer (I was wearing cutoff shirts and a T-shirt) and felt a lot less self-conscious and awkward.”
“I was lucky they were as kind as they were because they didn’t appear to even notice what I was wearing, hugged me like I was a long-lost granddaughter, and even switched to casual clothing to match at some point during the day.” – HatingOnNames
The subReddit could understand the concerns the OP had about telling his girlfriend the truth, especially after previous relationships failed with the reveal of his wealthy family.
But others cautioned him to not go too long before telling her the truth.
If they were meant to be, it wouldn’t change how she felt about him, but if it was going to change her feelings, it was better for the OP to know sooner rather than later.