When we have a guest staying with us, we want to be as accommodating as possible.
Particularly if they are staying with us after hitting hard times or going through a tough period.
However, there is a fine line between being accommodating… and truly putting ourselves out.
Even if some people expect us to always do the latter.
The mother-in-law [MIL] of Redditor Ok_Asparagus7214 was recently dealt a hard blow in life.
Leading the original poster (OP)’s husband to want her to stay with them for a while.
While the OP wasn’t wholly opposed to the idea, they. were less thrilled by the way their husband wanted to re-arrange their living situation during her visit.
Somewhat at a loss of how to handle things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to give up our only bedroom for my mother in law to stay?”
The OP explained the one area where they weren’t willing to budge to accommodate their MIL:
“MiL has said she wishes she were able to stay with us occasionally.”
“While it would be beneficial for all if she were to stay here sometimes and us sometimes with her, we aren’t pressuring her to stay with us!”
“My husband’s parents separated 6 weeks ago – dad left mum for someone else.”
“Obviously, she is very upset about it, and we have been supporting her as much as we can.”
“She is in her 70s, lives 1.5 hours away, and has never driven, so getting her to come to us has always been dependent on her and her husband traveling together.”
“As my husband and I are starting work again soon, we want to encourage her to come to us more often by public transport, and her staying over would make things easier.”
“Our house is small.”
“We have one bedroom and no sofa bed.”
“We suggested to her that we could swap our sofa in the living room for a sofa bed so that she could spend more time here.”
“She was hesitant, so we suggested that we have a really good double air mattress that she could stay on in the living room, but again she was hesitant.”
“She is healthy and fit, so there are no medical reasons why she couldn’t sleep on it.”
“My husband has now asked me whether we could give up our bed and bedroom for her when she stays and we sleep on the air mattress.”
“He said it’ll only be once or twice.”
“Though I do understand that it isn’t ideal to sleep in the living room, we have offered her two solutions.”
“I feel like we should do what we can to support, but should also have our own boundaries.”
“He is disappointed and thinks it’s selfish not to give her our bed.”
“AITA for saying that I don’t feel we should?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give up their bedroom for their MIL:
Most agreed that the OP was not remotely obligated to give up their bedroom, and since the OP’s house couldn’t really accommodate guests, their MIL should probably stay in a hotel:
“NTA.”
“That’s crazy.”
“‘He said it’ll only be once or twice’.”
“LOL yeah, famous last words.”
“If she’s the kind of person that would put out her hosts by taking their bed, it will absolutely not just be one or two times.”
“I wouldn’t gamble on this outcome.”
“Sounds like she needs to stay in a hotel.”- Lucky_Volume3819
“NTA but here to say wow, this poor lady.”
“Can’t imagine that happening so late in life.”- L2N2
“No do not give up your bed.”
“Get the sofa bed.”
“If she doesn’t want to sleep on it she shouldn’t visit.”
“NTA.”- Vibe_me_pos
“NTA.”
“But her coming to visit is NOT GOING TO HELP HER.”
“She was dependent on her husband and he left.”
“She needs someone to encourage and support and help her to become INDEPENDENT.”
“Coming to visit and crash at your place will just reinforce that she is dependent on her son instead of her husband.”
“That doesn’t help her.”
“What will help her is getting out and learning to do things herself, building self-confidence.”
“Encouraging her to do things, telling her she can do it, going with her one time to show her how she can do it, will help her.”
“If she has a lot of friends and the ability to get around where she is without a car, then she should, stay there, and you guys should visit her and help her find new activities and get out with her friends.”
“If she doesn’t have a network of friends and activities where she lives, then consider helping her find a new place to live closer to you guys and where she can get around without a car.”
“I would suggest an independent senior living community that has lots of social activities and amenities where she can enjoy a fulfilling life that doesn’t depend on you.”- shout-out-1234
“NTA.”
“It’s also your bed and you don’t have to let anyone else sleep in it.”- Traditional_Koala216
“First it’s the bed once a month.”
“Then it’s the bed every weekend.”
“Then she moves in.”
“Stop all of this now.”
“It’s your house too.”
“You need to have a significant discussion with your husband, and maybe some planning – your MIL could benefit from living in a retirement or senior living community and it can even be nearby (where she can visit you and then go back to her own bed).”
“NTA.”- WhizGidget
“NTA.”
“Nope nope nope.”
“You offered solutions the only other solution I see is a hotel.”
“You are not a hotel.”- Icy-Copy1534
“NTA.”
“You’re not saying no to helping her you’ve offered real, thoughtful options that work within the space you have.”
“Wanting to keep your own bedroom (especially since it’s your only one!) doesn’t make you selfish, just human.”
“It’s really generous that you’re trying to make her feel welcome, but it’s also okay to have boundaries in your own home.”
“Hopefully your husband can see that you’re still being supportive, just in a way that works for both of you.”- griefquest
“NTA.”
“If she’s not willing to sleep on a sofa bed, then she can get a hotel, or you and your husband can go visit her instead.”- PeepholeRodeo
“NTA, I get him wanting to do that for his mom, but it can easily become a habit.”
“We’ve only ever given up our bedroom and our bed to two people, my partner’s two kids, before we got ourselves a bigger apartment.”
“He only has them every other weekend, and we didn’t think it fair to them that we hadn’t managed to find a place where they could have their own space.”
“We had to make do with it for close to one year, and I’m never ever doing it again!”- blackcatlove4
Others, however, didn’t think there were any a**holes in this particular situation, feeling the OP’s husband was simply looking out for his mother, who was going through a hard time:
“It sounds as if your house is not a good fit for hosting overnight guests.”
“I completely understand you not wanting to give up your bedroom.”
“Nor should you have to.”
“However, you shouldn’t be inviting folks, even family, to spend the night at your home if you can’t offer them decent accommodations.”
“A sofa bed or an air mattress on the living room floor is not really suitable for someone in their 70s.”
“Even if the bed is okay, she’d have no privacy in the living room.”
“It would be different if your mother-in-law asked to visit you.”
“In that situation, it would be a case of ‘you’re free to stay with us, but this is what we can offer’.”
“However, you’re inviting her.”
“And she’s free to decline if she doesn’t want to sleep in your living room.”
“NAH.”
“Perhaps you should either find her a hotel near you, or you should go visit her instead.”-Wild_Ticket1413
“Stop pressuring her to come stay with you and sleep on an uncomfortable bed!”
“I’m half her age, and I’d be pissed if you kept pressuring me to come visit when you didn’t even have a decent bed for her to sleep on.”
“She may be ‘healthy and fit’, but that doesn’t mean she has to be comfortable sleeping on plastic in the middle of your living room.”
“I wouldn’t be.”
“You don’t have to give up your bed, but leave the poor woman alone.”
“NAH.”- annang
If we had to give up our bed for a houseguest, it’s hard to deny that we wouldn’t be slightly annoyed to do so.
That being said, after everything the OP’s MIL has gone through, it’s easy to understand how she might want to be around family and loved ones.
One can only hope they come to a solution that pleases everyone… and inconveniences no one.